ThE EmAnCiPaTiOn oF pAmMiE

2006-06-25T08:07:00.000-05:00

THE ADVENTURES OF PAMALICIOUS

2006-06-23T13:36:00.000-05:00

IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE! THE NEW SITE IS UP AND RUNNING!

CLICK A LINK BELOW!

THE ADVENTURES OF PAMALICIOUS!

THE ADVENTURES OF PAMALICIOUS!

THE ADVENTURES OF PAMALICIOUS!

Ooo Ooo Is that a Template 201

2006-06-21T10:07:00.000-05:00

Yes Friends! It's coming! The Debut of............

THE ADVENTURES OF PAMALICIOUS!

Stay Tuned!!!

Off in the Horizon - 200

2006-06-19T14:00:00.000-05:00

HELLO PEOPLE!! I hope you are enjoying your summer! Is the anticipation killing you - well it's killing me. I'm actually really missing blogging and I appreciate all the notes of love for where is a sista! I'm working to get myself back up and running ASAP - so be on the lookout for an announcement in the next week or two - again LOVE YAH! and best believe I've been reading your stuff!

And The Sun Sets Monologue 199

2006-06-06T14:18:00.000-05:00

The Aftermath & Epilogue

I'm checking myself over, twirling all around looking at me from all angles - forty looks nice :) - Hey peeps! I'm finally peeking out the clouds to give my narrative on the b'day weekend!

I posted some of the pictures that I thought would interest from a you don't need to know who those peope are standpoint,lol. Let me tell ya'll. I was so in my element - I'm still trembling, lol.

It feels soooo good to be loved! I had someone from all the groups I associate with in attendance: Family, Friends, Work Associates, Blog Associates, Discussion Group Associates, the mighty BTW class of 84, even IM buddies who I have never met before face to face!!

I want to thank EVERYONE who helped and came out to help me celebrate. It was so good seeing everyone , socializing and whatnot. I was fluttering around that room something fierce, lol lol.

Apparently, that drunken post was not the only thing I did that I don't remember - Mini-me said she was having Carrie flashbacks as I stood in the hall way in my b'day suit - serenading her! Lawd have mercy!!

Sunday after taking four tylenol while laying prone so as to not make my head explode - I was up by 8:30am (guess I was trying to prove something). I hung out all day with the Fam and just had a good time! Of course I have caught a slight cold - but it's all good.

I want to take a moment of course to thank CAUN. When he stepped in that club - he took my breath away! He was sooo fine and he has come into my life and enriched it. As women we are flowers and alot of us have decided that any fertilizer is better than none - so we just take the raw shit and struggle to blossom up out of it. Well God has blessed me with top notch veggie based compost and my petals are stronger than ever. Sure I had my stuff halfway together before him, but the otherside of that equation is that it's so much more solid after him. I take care of him and he takes care of me. I WANT to take care of him - to listen and hear him - to comfort him - to take some of it off his shoulders and he wants to do the same for me - except this time, HE IS APPRECIATED. We treat him with the upmost respect (ok Stormeka sometimes goes to the left but, lol). This man gets the big piece of chicken up in our spot!! Again, thank you baby for all that you have done, all that you do, and all that you have planned.

I need to thank the Glam Squad - these sistas mean the world to me! They rallied around and helped me pull off one hell of a party.

I want to give a special shoutout to Mama CAUN! I am LOVING that she posted on the blog. I look forward to meeting her!

So now I am two days on the otherside of forty. I feel so so - I don't know. I guess having this forum for the documentation of the journey (and not even all of it or all aspects of it) - gave it alot of power. It forced me to live within it and to actually see it. That has been interesting. It's time for a change....it's time to do something different.

So this my friends will be my last 'current' post. I need to step away and come back at you all strong! Going back to my original alter-ego; since I currently am Pamela Mariah Naiomi Stormeka A-M-P as CAUN calls me......Mariah gave me this journey in The Emancipation of Pammie and now she's giving me the next chapter via her tour "The Adventures of Pammie!" - I will be doing summer reruns about twice a week going back in the archives and posting some oldies to keep me in your eyesight and maybe even a picture or two. Give me about 30 days and I WILL BE BACK!!

Thank you to everyone who has read and to those who come back again and again! Keep me in your kinja's and other spots and check in often - you never know, I might even get me a myspace just because dammit - I hate being on the outside looking in, lol Now there's something else to do......

IN THE INFAMOUS WORDS OF RUSSELL SIMMONS:

GOOD NITE AND GOD BLESS!

I'll see yah sooner than later!

Sunshine Monologue 198

2006-06-04T10:01:00.000-05:00

Whew! I will be back with the narrative - I'm going to get me some Tylenol, a hotdog and open my gifts!

Forty is FABULOUS!

Sunset Monologue 197

2006-06-04T01:06:00.000-05:00

Ok - I am just getting hom from my b'day party. I*t was a blast! I havent had this much fu in a long time. I wll be back tomorrow with the story abd pictures. I am dedicaged tot he blog - look at me making an entry. it's after midnite so acgtually i8t is my 40th birthday! Howevefr, I am wayy to drunk to really talk about it. I knew this would be funny as ehll.

I'll talk tot hya'll tomorow.

2006-06-02T21:47:00.000-05:00

Let The Festivities Begin!

To say I'm excited is an understatement. Today was a BEAUTIFUL day people! Things have been running so smoothly I'm just chillin this evening. CAUN and I are TRULY blessed!

As you can tell - I'm back at full speed. My hairdresser came through for a sista and it's all good and then some. Mini-me got her hair braided and is outiftted in a cute outift for the party. I met up with my younger sista who did come down - we'll call her "Zena" due to her stature. We all met at the mall and had a wonderful time. My very first b'day acknowledgement came from my biological and then "Zena" got me some cute stuff from Ashley Stewart.

I did some power shopping myself and now it's just about relaxing. Got my tags (the first time I got them before my b'day ever, lol) - so it's full steam ahead!

Im happy happy happy happy ya'll!

Sunset Monologue 194

2006-06-01T21:21:00.000-05:00

How do I know he loves me? He sat through two hours of "So You Think You can Dance", but don't tell anybody, lol.

So That little glitter dohickey up above is freaking me out! The party is the day after tomorrow! That's the countdown to my actual birthday. I am stoked! I got my first gift today. You know the whole gift thing is a bit tricky for me. I have been wondering if I would get any gifts. You know, all these people coming whatever and whatnot and yea you wonder.

Family.....it's a wrap. Moving on.

I came in the living room a few minutes ago and exclaimed "Where the hell did all these bags of chips come from?" Losing it.

Operation rediscovery and preservation of my sexy begins shortly. I'm camping out like a concert at the hairdresser!! Dayum!

It's too calm, it's too non-urgent. Things can't possibly be going this well, lol. I even worked out my money so this party wouldn't have me trying to live up in the spot afterwards.

Well let me go get started. Before I go however - - The supposed last day of this blog will be JUNE 5th - then we will go into Summer reruns for about thirty days until the unveiling of the new season of what's poppin! Please keep me on your kinja and check in because it should be nice.....

Sunshine Monologue 196

2006-05-31T07:50:00.000-05:00

And this morning I decided to mess up my entire day by....

Stepping On The Scale!

WHAT

IN

THE

HELL!

I should NOT have done that shit! Now I am going to have to really focus to get my beauty mojo back. Anyone who has weight issues, whether they are in denial or not, knows that sometimes it all comes crashing down on you and you just can't bear to look at what you have done. Cause yep it's you that's done it. It is a constant struggle to maintain your self esteem and no one can give that to you. I have got to and need to do better.

You can't win for freaking losing - first the weight was, you know, a bit of depression, and a companion through the lean times NOW it's because I'm freaking Happy!!! I be damn!

It's such a complex subject because I don't look bad (now let's not trip, lol) due to heredity my skin is tight and I don't have any sagging or anything and visually I actually don't ever look like my weight - HOWEVER, I know my freaking weight.

I'm afraid to really reach out to CAUN cause he's gonna have me running through Decatur with a whip on my ass (which might be kinda fun, but I digress). It's nice to know someone loves you regardless - but, again, I need to do better - so that I can be around to be loved regardless.

So now I must work on getting the UMPH back up and at em - cause I looked FABULOUS in my B'day dress and I don't want me feeling down about my appearance cause I'm a really HOT forty year old Momma! OH YES I AM!!

Sunset Monologue 190

2006-05-30T20:49:00.000-05:00

I've been rolling around saying "I'm forty" on my tongue and it sounds pretty good. It seems so finite - I feel like I can't have one moment of non-adulthood/growness after Sunday. Damn that's wayyy to much pressure when I was just in the kitchen doing the booty dance with CAUN,lol.

I've been getting the 'Pam's doing her own hair again' look but public announcement: I'm a HOT MESS till Friday when I start my transformation - so deal with it and my superman curl, lol (my hair dresser can tell I been messin with her carefully crafted do's when I end up with a superman curl in the front of my head, lol lol lol). Boy I can't wait to get this mess braided up then I think I'll go bald - just something totally drastic, lol.

So today (hold on CAUN wants me to rub his spot) Ok so anyhoo - I am about to have a problem with the fact that my mother is not coming down for my party. They have known about this for awhile now and the wrath I would face if I didn't show up for something like this - no matter how I made it happen - Heaven help us, so for them to not have planned and now skirting the issue I THOUGHT was not going to affect me - but it is...

My daughter is very upset and wanted to know why we always have to come up there and they never make a way to come and visit us or participate in anything we have going from graduations to my party. I have no answer, cause I'm tired of trying to figure it out.

And as we know - I've been called selfish - but I am defensively selfish and that's what I can't get any of them to understand. In my non-family life - I will give you the shirt off my back - but because there are always 'conditions' speechs and all kinds of level three BS - when it comes to family - I get on the defensive and close my arms around myself.

Oh and it is not a situation where we are estranged - it's just a mother/daughter damn you working my nerves and fostering new ones to work for the rest of my natural born life type situation.

Love her but GRRRRRRRRRRR

I just get fustrated with the entire thing and moreso now because mini-me is older and 'noticing' things. How am I having 70 folks to celebrate me turning 40 and my own momma ain't there?

No I don't have the money to fly her down here

I will not let this get me down, because then we'll argue and fight and I don't feel like it.

I have three siblings coming out of the 12 and that's it. Oh well. I'ma have me a banging time!

Sunset Monologue 189

2006-05-29T18:36:00.000-05:00

"I Never Knew Love Like This Before" - sung by CAUN in the shower this morning.

Happy Memorial Day Ya'll! Hope it went well for yah. I am dreading that tomorrow is back to business as usual - yet I have Friday and Monday off, so it's all good.

We didn't do anything special today. CAUN washed all the clothes (smile) and we ran some errands and just kinda hung out - it was H-O-T! Good grief. I'm still hot. I been hot all weekend. I do however have a that cute sun glow, lol.

I took a moment this weekend to catch up on all my magazines. They were piling up. I am a magazine junkie so I currently subscribe to: Vibe, Glamour, Cosmo, Redbook, Essence, and Marie Claire. I have two free subscriptions from a couple of fund raisers that I haven't even filled yet. I am also gathering information for the rebirth.

Something very interesting is happening up in here. The emergence of the CAUN and Mini-Me (oh she's been named Shocamatima as her Xmen name). As a parent and especially as an astutue single parent - the thing you fear most is involving your child in a relationship and if it goes to the left, it goes to the left for the child as well. Many a woman will sacrifice her entire viable dating years because they have fallen into the 'all men are trying to molest me and my child' syndrome. Well as ya'll know, I don't subscribe to that hysteria. First off it is very unfair (and downright wrong) to assume that all blackmen are molesters and two, a well rounded child is a well rounded parent. Now my thinking might be a bit skewed, because my situation is different. I'm a widow, who was widowed when my child was an infant. I was raised with a Father and I have a wonderful Step Father and even now a Biological Father. These things I know have greatly affected the type of decisions I've made. I think I have made great choices on who I have exposed her to and she's quite balanced about her view of men and their purpose and reason for being.

This however is different. CAUN is just an involved with her as he is with his kids and me. She's opened up to him and in the process found herself an...advocate. I never thought about the fact that when the power is always one way, a child may feel as if there are no alternative points of views. Now she has started actually looking to him for advice, instruction and conversation.

She's known four men out of the 12 years I've been 'single', but this is the first one who has understood the meaning of the 'package'. Now Mobetta was great, her first solid exposure to a strong blackman - but it was one sided because like with me - he was around for only the good times and provided only good times. CAUN has been here through the lost camcorder and the knee injury. She's seen him be there for ME and she's seen him love ME and be open about it and embrace her as well. He's carried her, the crutches, her wheel chair. He opens doors, he listens to her, he tries to get me to get out her ass so much about stuff. He's been consistent in our lives and it has had an effect on her. I've heard her say thank you to him for all the nice things he does for me and her.

Remember in the Grinch how at the end his heart grew three sizes and burst out his chest - there's your visual of how this makes me feel. My child is getting some much needed positive male interaction - it has come at such a pivotal time in a young girls life - she'll remember this for the rest of her life irregardless of what the future might hold. It's one thing to know the man your mom is 'dating' 'with' etc. but it's another to feel like a 'family'.....God is Good!

So before I leave - I want to give yah some summer drinks (yes it's that time). Make sure you keep this close to yah!

1. CHAPALA - 5 small chunks of watermelon, 1 lime/chopped, 1/2 oz sugar syrup, 1 1/2 oz gold tequila, apple juice; ice cubes

Mash up watermelon, lime and sugar syrup in a cocktail shaker. Add a scoop of ice, then the tequila. Shake vigorously and strain into a tal, chilled glass 1 inch from the rim; top up with apple juice.

2. WOO WOO - 2 oz vodka, 1/2 oz peach schnapps, lime wedge, cranberry juice, ice cubes

half fill a cocktail shaker with ice. Squeeze in lime, then add the vodka and schnapps. Shake, then strain into an old-fashioned glass half filled with ice. Add the squeezed lime wedge and top up with cranberry juice.

3. BELLINI - 1/2 oz peach liqueur, 1 oz peace juice or nectar; chilled champagne or sparkling wine

Pour liqueur and jucie into a chilled champagne flute. Slowly top up with champagne or sparlkling wine.

4. BAHAMA MAMA - 1/2 oz. Malibu, 1/2 oz. Kahula, 1/2 oz each dark & white rums; pineapple juice, pineapple wedge; mint sprig, ice cubes, crushed ice

Half fill a cocktail shaker with ice cubes. Add the Malibu, Kahlua, and rums. Shake vigorously adn strain into a highball glass half filled with crushed ice. Top off with juice; garnish with pineapple wedge and mint.

5. MOJITO - 2 oz white rum, 8 mint leaves, half a lime/chopped, 1/2 oz sugar syrup, club soda, ice cubes

Mash up mint, lime and sugar syrup in a cocktail shaker. Add a scoop of ice, then the rum. Shake vigorously adn strain into a chilled tumbler 1 inch from the rim, top up with club soda.

6. CUBAN LIBRE - 2 oz white rum, 7 lime wedges, cola, ice cubes

half-fill a highball glass with ice. Add rum and squeeze in seix lime wedges, addig the squeezed wedges to the glass. Top up with cola; garnish with the last lime wedge.

7. SHAMPOO - 1/2 oz gin, 1/2 oz lemon juice, dash of pernod, dash of blue curacao, chilled champaigne or sparkling win, lemon twist

Pour gin, then lemon juice, pernod and blue curacao into a chilled champagne or sparlkling wine, garnish with a twist of lemon.

8. CAIPIRINHA - 2 oz cachaca ( a clear Brazillan spirit made from sugarcane), 1 whole lime chopped, 1 Tbsp superfine sugar, 1/2 oz sugar syrup, ice cubes, mint sprig

Mash up lime, sugar, and sugar syrup in a cocktail shaker. Add a scoop of ice and the cachaca. Shake vigorously and strain into a chilled tumbler. Garnish with mint.

Sunset Monologue 188

2006-05-28T22:36:00.000-05:00

What you see is not a test.....Yea right! How are you all this evening. Everyone
must be enjoying the weekend/holiday. The net is DEAD! I haven't been on much myself today so I understand. I'm glad to see that folks still know how to live outside this little box.

I decided to do my BBq'ing this morning - so that I could chill tomorrow. Woke up early full of invigoration about the whole process. CAUN was up as well and this is the craziest thing - we hang around each other constantly, but today is the day I had to deal with some of my issues all over...the BBQ!!

I started freaking out. I was so agitated as he tried to help me. I was in full 'Stormeka' and then to top it off - I was fustrated because in all honesty, I couldn't identify exactly why I was feeling this way. It was as if he were encroaching on some sacred space - the BBQ. Of course he noticed it and he took it, but I wanted to work through it within myself - by expressing it to him. I was ashamed that I was lashing out and didn't even know why - so I began to try to verbalize it. He beat me to it however and very calmly - explained to me that I was used to the man who came over AFTER if AT ALL, I had done everything. He always had family, stops, things to do and came over when I had done all the work and he could reap the benefits. I was used to men in general who reaped the benefits and were not committed to doing anything to get it to that point. He was not going anywhere and he wanted to be involved in every aspect towards the goal and not just come around for the reward. What painful words to hear. I had to get away, so I hopped in the car to take a ride to the store. I screamed on that ride - releasing the pent up fustration that I, Pamalicious, Pretty steady sista - had some.....BAGGAGE! I mean I know I am not exempt from baggage, but the manifestation of some contents of it can be unnerving.

For someone to even 'read me' on that level, was unjarring. I've been read before but not for MY benefit, always as a way for someone to access, how much they could expect to get. I resolved to push through the issue, decompress the power the issue could take on - which would have been that I could shut him out and take control. IT IS SO DAMN HARD AS A BLACK WOMAN TO GIVE POWER TO SOMEONE ELSE!!! We be so tired, but it is still hard to say 'ok - he's not going to.....hurt me'.

So when I got back - there he was in his wife beater and shorts ready to open my car door, take my bags and.....help me. I stuffed my IKE (what?! you trying to help Ike) back in that damn bag and handed him the reigns. He cooked the hotdogs, chicken and steak and I did the lamb ribs. I also did the Kale, potato salad, baked beans and whipped up a cheesecake.

We had a wonderful day and I feel good that I did not let an issue take over me. It - hell - ya'll really don't understand.......CAUN is a beautiful beautiful person and he's forcing me to shift alot of cabinet space around in my head, heart and life, but that's a good thing - alot of us (sistas) never get that chance and we can't figure out or won't figure out how to, as much as we have been running around exclaiming we are, EXHALE. It's hard and it hurts your chest - but it can be done and dammit - I'm going to do it, because I be damn if I'm going to choke me....or him.

Sunset Monologue 187

2006-05-27T22:58:00.000-05:00

Hey Mon! It was breezy HOT lower 90's today in the A-T-L and we were all out in it. First up - the Caribbean Parade celebrating Carnival. Man oh man do I need a vacation. CAUN and I have been talking about crusing around Christams and boy oh boy. I had even pulled out my cruise tape from wha....14 years ago, lol lol. It was alot of fun and I came away with soaring self esteem, cause as we know our Island Sistas aren't really hung up on little stuff like: (1) they got guts (2) they old as hell, lol lol So I danced and had me a ball!

Next up we went to Atlantic Station. For those not in the know, Atlantic Station is this 'project' Atlanta has that simulates what it is like living in Manhattan. You go over a bridge and it's like entering that part of Epcot where they have the different countries. Nah it ain't Manhattan, but I guess if you close your eyes after you've had about three mojitos it might be (rollin eyes). Anyhoo, we went to see X-men 3! Whew Lawd that movie was OFF THA CHAIN! To me, it was the most intense installment by far. But let me get this off my chest: HALLE BERRY CAN NOT ACT!! Dayum! That woman is just to one-dimensional to me. Is it because she's so photogenic AND pretty (because you know you can be one without the other) or what, but she just comes across as having no depth to me everytime I see her. The wig was 85% better though, and she looked as if she was no longer embarassed to be in the damn franchise (well after Catwoman - she did have to humble herself).

Of course CAUN and I had to immediately adopt names. Well actually he came about his quite by accident - he was pretending to be Magnito and of course that didn't work, so I said he was more "MAGNEGRO!" Well there you have it and he christened me "Stormeka" my power? I can roll my neck and make you submit and I can telepathically pick out skanks and yamps!

This time around, we went Indian for our meal. One reason why I love and like (because sometimes those don't go hand in hand either) CAUN is because he's got a penchant for giving things a try. He's shown me all about if it's important to a person, part of loving is to 'give it a try'. So he ate it and it was tasty. Now will this be a part of his 'lets go to eat' list - NOPE, but he gave it a try. As always, mini-me and I will certainly keep this in our 'mother/daughter' pot.

The night before we watched home movies. CAUN learned all about my family and it's dynamics and I discovered quite to my dismay that I gave the exact same party the first four years of Mini-me's life, lol lol That was hella funny. We then watched my old VCR tapes of Video Soul and damn near ran Mini-me insane, lol lol I fell out a cuple of times at some Mike footage (good to see him back out and about).

It seems as if every weekend we have all this activity and what not. We are gelling more and more daily and that's a good thing. Mini-me and CAUN are developing quite the relationship. She has taken to 'thanking him' for the things he does for us and the way he treats us. That means more to me than gold. We got a very nice groove going.

I was thinking in the car about whether or not it's 'tacky' to consider that I might get gifts at my birthday party. I know, I know it IS a birthday party,but it's not like I'm twelve. Do I hope I get something? Hell yes! I would love for some folks to recognize me in that way - it's not something that happens to me on the regular, if ever. Hmmmmm - wouldn't THAT be nice.

Well let me go ahead and wrap this up. I decided to throw those lamb ribs on the grill tomorrow. We don't really have any plans and have exhausted our allotted budget for the weekend already. Dinner on Friday and Movie w/snacks and dinner in the evening wiped us out and we are trying to be astute about our spending habits. Our collaboration is not an excuse to pretend we've 'saved' any money unless we actually 'save' some - yah dig? I'll have my usual BBQ pictures.

Peace out!

Sunshine Monologue 195

2006-05-26T10:00:00.000-05:00

Can ya'll believe that?! It's been a good week - I can't complain. This makes a week since CAUN and I have been ghetto-honeymooning and it's going fabulously! No regrets on either side.

I sent out a reminder note about the party and now my RSVP list is over 60!! I had a stroke of nervousness last night. That's alot of folks coming to celebrate with me - I sure hope they are going to help this be a slammin party. If that many people come and the party ends up being WACK - I can never show my face again, lol lol.

Got my dress and almost had to tackle CAUN with a stun gun, so the dress looks hot, lol lol. Shoes working and I've figured out a hair style - so it's all good.

I want to sit and read my personal journals for this past year (the 39th year) and see where I was on that level.

June 5th is my last day of class. I am taking a haitus! I will be back in school July 28th (damn I think I told ya'll this, lol) Part of my agenda is to do some leisure reading!! I really want to just sit back and read a good ghetto novel, lol. I hope I get a gift card for the bookstore.

We have a few things planned for Memorial Day, but nothing extravagant. I will be BBQ'ing and I found some Lamb Ribs, so it should be off the chain. I will be posting pictures of the mini-cookout.

I want to highlight a blog that I think is really fly. I got the glitter idea off of there. N'search of Ecstasy is off the chain. She has some good stuff over there! Go check her out.

Here are some blasts from the past - Mobetta is off to Cancun with his new lady friend. He claims he doesn't want to date or anything, but this woman is treating him to Cancun, lol lol. Italy and I spoke briefly and I told him that CAUN and I were cohabiting and he got his boxer/briefs in a knot, lol lol Whateva!

NINE DAYS YA'LL. I can't believe I am 9 days from being 40. I can't believe that I will celebrate with folks I know and love. I can't believe that I've found love. I CAN believe that God is Good and these next 40 years are going to be fabulous.

Ya'll have a wonderful Memorial Day! The man is out looking for shit so BUCKLE UP! USE MOUTHWASH (LOL), GET A RADAR!!

PEACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunset Monologue 186

2006-05-23T21:49:00.000-05:00

A Whole Lotta...NOTHING!

What it be? I can't even lie - I really don't have alot to talk about, lol. Sometimes, your mind just goes blank. I was trying to write a letter to my biological father today at work and for some reason I couldn't think of a damn thing to say. That letter ended up being 1 page long with alot of pictures thrown in.

I decided to take the summer off from school. I got the paperwork and will fax it in tomorrow. I will be done on June 5th and will go back on July 28 - just in time for "Communications in Organizations". Every class I take ends with the word 'Organizations' I wonder if there is 'Sex in Organizations" Now that class I would love, lol.

As I predicted in my own mind - 80% of my family have flaked out about coming down for my party. No biggie - My space is limited for that bullshit. I know they will be there in...spirit (laughing exceptionally loud).

Can you say - 10 days till the party! I'm in a holding pattern right now because basically what's left is the food and my fridge is wayy to small to store anything - so I have to get all that stuff at the last minute.

Co-habiting is going fine. We have a nice flow going (we had that already). I really am loving laying in the bed in the evening giggling/laughing/planning etc. with CAUN. If there were two people who needed a master suite - it is us, lol. We need room to run around.

Ok, why didn't someone tell me that IPODS were so time consuming?! Damn I need to devote several hours to getting all my listings corrected and organized! I did buy some stuff from itunes, but I be damn if they wouldn't sell "Whoop That Trick" as a single!!!!!!!!!! I need that song dammit!

My Brother is taking my daughter with him after the party for a couple of weeks. Since this is during the blog haitus and rebirth period - that's cool. Ahh, just gave ya'll a hint eh? Write these down - there might be a contest, lol.

Here is some REALNESS FOR YAH!: We all take these medical walks and sometimes we fall off the wagon. I confess I've been off the wagon for over 9 months - no meds, no eating right, no nothing. I just went into this entire denial thing. The meds cost (even with Insurance) and I kept finding other things to do with the money.

Last month I did go to the Dr. to get back on track - but the meds he prescribed me to went off the freaking market. So I just kinda tried to eat a bit better and fall back into old habits.

Well I've finally had my wake up call - it takes different things for different people - I'm finally getting an 'issue' with not controlling my diabetes and it's cut me to the core - because my issue is with my........SEX! So I know ya'll know that this is a definite HELL TO THE NAW!! I called my Dr. and asked for a new prescription and as of today - DIET CHANGED. I gotta bring my sugars down and under control. It's sucked up all the moisture in my body and I am the equivalent to a big TUB OF COTTON CANDY!!

So sure it's all sexy to taste sweet and all that stuff - but no way in hell am I gonna mess up my sex!

Before I Go: Sista wrote CAUN and asked whether or not I was his...Mother ( I am developing an entry on the state of women relations when it comes to..men), and I just have one thing to say - Yea I'm a MILF - don't hate!! (thanks Scott).

Ya'll be easy!

Sunshine Monologue 194

2006-05-21T09:00:00.000-05:00

Winds of Change

Blog Musical Mood: The Entire New Edition Catalogue

As I sit here in a wife beater and boxer briefs, belonging to one CAUN, and listen to the sounds of early Sunday morning: Lawn Mowers, that ass next door and his chain saw and a load of clothe going in the washer - I smile to myself. It's almost funny how life moves you along.

The move on Friday went well - he's all settled in, I have a stereo in my living room that would rival Phillips Arena and I have alot more day to day stuff to do. However, it was VERY nice to come home last evening and the grass was cut,little odds and ends were done, I could just walk in the house - no need to carry bags, and I got a foot rub! (smile). So yes we are 'ghetto honeymooning' (this is the honeymoon w/o the benefit of the marriage, lol) but it's all good.

Never Underestimate the Power of NEW EDITION! People, People - we went to see New Edition on Friday evening at Chastain Park, one of our amphitheatres. When I tell you I almost had a STROKE trying to get to see New Edition - I am almost not stretching the truth. Traffic was so bad that we missed all the opening acts, didn't get to take the picnic in and ended up having to get out the car and strike out walking. So it's me, a pregnant "janet" and a blanket! We were determined. When we walked in - they were introducing New Edition. Let me tell ya'll something - if I had missed ONE SECOND of them after paying $110 for those tickets - they would have been right here in my living room giving me a private show!! If Atlanta PD don't figure out how to do traffic up in this bitch I am going to SCREAM!!!!!!!!! I had never seen Chastain so crowded - New Edition never sounded so good. It was smooth as butter and YES BOBBY WAS THERE! and I was so proud of him! "Janet" and I shed a tear. He was ON KEY, KNEW THE STEPS, DRESSED IN THE OUTFIT and LEFT WHEN HIS TIME WAS OVER. We were so overwelmed that HE IS NOW THE BREADWINNER in that family! Even though we had our picnic in the car during traffic leaving the amphitheatre but a good time was had by all. I was in seventh heaven - I was in a sandwich of love my very bestest friend and CAUN.

So, because I'm handling my business grown folks style - I am making sure I maintain the relationship I've nutured with my daugher. I am a mother first and foremost and making sure she is comfortable with my life is definately on my radar. So I took her and her girlfriend out for 'girls day' - we had a good time. All of my years of teaching shopping is paying off, lol.

Party plans are on and poppin. Over 45 people RSVP'ed (but you know negroes - we'll see who actually shows up). I have all the cutlery etc. - if I had more than a college fridge - I could get the food. I'm sooo excited!

A word about change - I'm not sure that "Janet" is overly keen with CAUN. It's not a negative feelings I'm getting - but, a 'my friend has another focal point' feeling. I think we both are going through it - her foray into the journey of parenthood, is going to cause me some growing pains as well. The life she and I used to have is changing and it's a natural progression. I am enjoying this time in my life and I all the activity. I don't know should we talk about this or what. It's just an 'oddness' about the whole thing. Growing Pains!

Well - let me balance my check book and get my grocery list together. I'll talk to you all tomorrow!

Sunshine Monologue 193

2006-05-18T10:06:00.000-05:00

Ain't No Mountain High Enough

To keep me from blogging to you babe! So this is what I know - the most moving and frighteningly paralyzing experience a person can have is when God gets to you in the blessing rolodex! I have taken some time this week to look back over this particular journey here in blogsphere and the sum total of all of my 'work' done on here is where I am at today. I set a time limit for myself and as the clock ticks away - it seems as if I'm in the game Jumunji and I am moving under an outside pace to the finish line. So very interesting ya'll!

There will be no real epiphanies this entry - just some catching up. I know that just as many of you have the nosey gene, like myself and just wanna know - what in the world has been keeping you busy? Well let's see.....

Mothers Day weekend was the best I've had in eons. Friday I had to get the do did and then we went to see Mission Impossible 3, which was WAYY better than two - but not as good as one, lol. Saturday we went to the Georgia Force game and that was like a Monster Truck Pull or something. Sitting high up in the 'Executive Suite" however was sweet. We had a good time and on Sunday - I had breakfast and then got presented with an IPOD MINI (holds 1000 songs). I was so excited! Then we went to the Sweet Auburn Festival, which was very nice. Next Target and Dinner. All in all it was a GREAT weekend! Mini-me was sooo very excited and what not because this is significant in that - this is the first Mothers Day in 12 years where I haven't faciliated it. Her and 'CAUN' were in cahoots with one another and I was obvilious to the whole thing. So nice! So very nice......

I have assembled a 'glam squad' to help me with the party preparations. If my alter-ego Mariah can have one, so can I. These set of sistas will ensure that I don't fall asleep from being tired at my own event, lol. As you know, my initial thought was to have it outside in my yard - but this 'blackberry winter' we are having scared me and once again - a hookup came through and yah girl has rented out an entire CLUB for my event. No, not a corner in a club, but the entire thing! It's more like a lounge and it's been renamed "Club Pamalicious" and it's on and poppin. Invitations have been sent out, I have my DJ and things are coming along just fine. How about with the package comes my names in lights up on the Marquee in the street? It's okay - I know I'm trippin, but you know what - I haven't ever done anything for myself (remember I eloped) so this is what I'm getting off on. Let it ride baby!! Pam is turning 40 and damn fabulous!

I actually paid my fee to go to "Summer Camp" with the Highschool (ya'll know I call the discussion group I belong to High School). This should be fun. I haven't really gotten away as an adult in eons either - so me going off is a good thing. I recommend all women experience vacationing not wrapped around a 'family vacation'.

Plans are DEFINATELY underway for the next phase of my Emancipation - aren't you dying to know what it is?!

And she is FIERCE and she is FIERCE and I'm glad she won

This little woman is FIERCE as well! "Janet" is about as cute as she wanna be preggers!

School is going well - I am juggling it all. I have a somewhat by the books Teacher this class, but I have a B so far - so it's all good!

Mini-me is doing fine - gets out of sixth grade next Friday with a 4.0 average! She has on a full leg cast in hot girl pink - that will remain on until June 29th at which time hopefully we can begin a bit of physical therapy. The Dr. is thinking of going back in (!!) to make sure the cartlidge is regenerating itself, but I hope not . What I know is that even if the Armed Forces has to escort her - she getting up out of here and be pampered by the family in Philly, lol lol - I need some ME time

Let me tell ya'll. Having a man is a full time job. Well it is if you are really having a full time man. This means that you have to make time, split time, grow time in a petrie dish and then some,lol. I don't have alot of time anymore to sit and lounge on the couch like I used to. The crazy thing is, I never really realized or acknowledge how sedate my life had become until I'm cooking, cleaning, entertaining, etc. a man. I should be in shape in no damn time!

Here's something never talked about: the personal upkeep when you got a man. DAYUM! You pluck, wax, pumice, buff, blowtorch, excavate - as well as, pose, preen. You have to rearrange your intestinal track because of course you don't burp, fart or get the trots. That's a full time freaking job!

And to top it all off - As of this evening - "CAUN" and I are living together! Yep you heard correct - we are merging households. Now I attempted this back in 1999 - when I let physical attraction become a negro sitting on my couch playing play station. This is NOT the same thing - in that instance he moved in with me. Here we have us moving in together, lol. I'm entering this with my head correctly attached to my shoulders and clear as a view off the Grand Canyon on a crisp clear morning. We've talked, flushed out the finances and it's a go. We've told our children and our parents. Now ya'll know I live in a two bedroom apartment sat on the ground better known as the 'dollhouse'. Well - this move definately required a storage bin offsite, lol lol. It's funny I wrote this in an email to a friend not to long ago:

Ok - I need to gush a bit so excuse me - I just get full and I've pretty much stopped talking about CAUN and I but every once in awhile. Girl this man is soooo wonderful and so much fun to be around!! Last night he brought home a hub so that he could split my internet and then we sat side by side together and he began IM'ing me (now remember he's right next to me) it was just so much fun to hang with someone who is just being themselves - no pretense. We get along soo well and I am not faking anything - most of the time I'm looking a hot mess. I cook and he cleans up - we are running around the house and what not. I have never been so pampered IN MY LIFE. Foot rubs, hugs, kisses, baby, honey, darling, I love you at least 10 times a day, snuggles, WOW is all I got to say - We keep joking we are too old to be having this much fun, lol. He is also creative and will write a song and sing it to me (I said creative and NOT singer, lol). He has his groups he's working with etc. He even wrote a screen play and it's inspired me to actually pull out my dusty old manuscript and I might finish that bad boy up this summer. There's alot he hasn't experienced, especially in the areas of travel - but he's open and willing and excited about the possibilities - whew let me just stop - but it's a beautiful thang!
And Ya'll.............IT IS!!

So there you have it! Tomorrow we are going to see New Edition (our third concert since we began dating) and our calender is jammed pack till after this party - when we will regroup, get the house fixed up and then begin the Pam and CAUN tour of America - we got three vacations planned so far!!

I should be back on schedule with the blogging - so look out for more, more, more!!!!!

Sunset Monologue 185

2006-05-17T21:05:00.000-05:00

DON'T DESPAIR - A BLOG IS FORTHCOMING! TALK ABOUT A SISTA BEING BUSY! THANKS TO ALL WHO HAVE CONTINUED TO STOP BY! A SISTA IS WORKING ON IT!! FUNNY EH? RIGHT AT THE END - I GET SO BUSY, LOL. HERE'S OUR OFFICIAL MOTHERS DAY PICTURE 2006 TO HOLD YAH TILL I GET MY POST UP - ENJOY!

Sunshine Monologue 192

2006-05-13T10:19:00.000-05:00

In The Spirit

I saw this in Essence and it moved me and I thought I would share, especially before Mothers Day.

Sweet Surrender

Our lives don't lie. Our joys, sorrows, challenges and triumphs reflect our deep, often unconscious beliefs, just as the choices we have made mirror where we are on our journey. Your most difficult moments have come from resisting change. We hold on to what's familiar, even when it's hurting us. We stay in unhealthy relationships rather than learning to love and cherish ourselves and our own good company. We may resist doing the work to heal our addictions, even when they're destroying our physical and emotional well-being. At times, we resent our circumstances, unaware that wherever we are, we're always in life's flow. We feel alone, though we are never alone-and afraid, though we have nothing to fear. As we awaken to the presence of Spirit within and around us, we feel free and at peace.

To humble yourself and surrender to God-this is life's great spiritual challenge. Yes we must have vision and passion, and we have to be engaged in life, planning, creating, re-creating - but we must release our attachment to the outcome. God asks us to trust the details of our lives, the timing of our every blessing, to a Wisdom that is greater than we are and to find the sacred in our very circumstance. When something is meant for you, it can never be lost or taken away. When it's not for you, it simply won't come your way, and that's a blessing, too. The task is to stay positive and focused on the big picture, so you will see along the path the treasures, ever plentiful, that God has laid out just for you - everything you need to fulfill your life's purpose.

Faith. Sweet surrender. Trusting in the goodness of life. Understanding that everything and everyone has a reason and season for being. Allowing folks to be who they are and things to unfold in divine order, rather than criticizing, worrying, stressing, and trying to force them them to work our way-this is the source fo inner peace, the path of joy and infinite possibilities. with this mind-set, hold the powerful thought: I can't wait to see the good that will come from this.

Surrender to God your every burden - fear, guilt, anger, illness, addictions, financial woes-everthing holding you back. Banish the word can't from your vocabulary. Sweet surrender-faith-leaves no room for doubt or fear. Its' the ultimate paradox: what you fight, you strengthen. To be strong in the world, you have to be patient, humble and willing to let go. The spiritual warrior's path is one of complete nonresistence. Surrender the illusion of control and you relax into your great spiritual power. Bow to the Source with absolute faith-just as our foreparents did. Embrace the gifts of grace and divine protection that are yours; they were bestowed on you at birth. And practice living each day by the most powerful words ever written: Thy will be done.

Sunshine Monologue 191

2006-05-12T15:40:00.000-05:00

Sprinting

Blog Musical Mood: Motownphilly - Boys to Men

Whataweek! I have been so busy and I apologize for not working more diligently to find time to blog. Mini-me ended up having to get a cast! She will have to wear that for 8weeks then they probably will go back in to make sure her cartlidge is regenerating itself. Worse case scenario? She would have to go to a specialist to get some grown in a petri dish! She got a cute shade of pink and seems to be doing okay with it. I have been obsessed with the birthday party. Only 22 days. It was going to be outside but this recent weather(something called "blackberry winter")started freaking me out,so I decided to try once again to find an inside venue and let me tell you GOD IS GOOD! I found the perfect location to showcase my fabulousness - I have rented an entire small club for this party folks! I am quivering! I am so exicted and CAUN says he already knows he's going to have to tie me down. Club Pamalcious in effect! Invitations sent out, responses coming in, glam squad assembled (these ladies will help me pull this off), DJ hired, Menu set, now just decorating and tying up loose ends. This is the biggest thing I've done for me in my entire life(the elopement took 20 minutes to plan)so yes I'm enjoying myself.
Ok,why is my teacher of 'Groups in Organizations' trying to really teach?! I don't have time for class right now,lol
Mothers day weekend in effect - MI3 tonite,arena football in the sky box on Saturday and who knows on Sunday - CAUN being closed lipped.
Well as you can tell I am speeding through in a run on sentence kinda way,lol Peace out and I'll be back on Sunday!

Sunset Monologue 184

2006-05-07T21:27:00.000-05:00

VROOM...VROOM...SCREECH!

Blog Musical Mood: Love Is A Battle Field

Hey Peeps! Yah see yah girl CHILLIN! This is me enjoying the car show. Again, Thanks KARSH for the ticket! We rolled down there on Saturday; CAUN, Mini-Me and I. I like the car show and hadn't been in a couple of years, so this was hella cool. We parked at CAUN's gig and took the scenic route to the World Congress Center. It was a beautiful day and I was strutting like a Drum Major, so happy to be out and about with my....family.

At first Mini-me was upset because of the wheelchair. I wish it wern't so close to the end of the year, she could write a wonderful report about being 'disabled'. Eventually she got in the hang of things and that is in part due to CAUN's spirit. He is wonderful with her. The brevity of being with a man who treats my child well - - moment getting choked up - continuing my entry - so we up in the car show enjoying ourselves, Mini-me and I turned the corner and she yelps "There's Mr. RW" Lord have mercy - my ex. The one who asked me to marry him. Now he lives exactly 17 minutes from me, yet I hadn't seen him in almost two years this September. Mini-me was panicking. CAUN was getting himself some cotton candy and would be coming to find me any second. Well I gathered my balls about me and marched my behind right over to him and got his attention. The look on his face was priceless. We started to chat and suddenly CAUN was at my side. RW's face changed ever so slightly as I introduced the two and he introduced me to his friend. Some more pleasantries and that was that. It felt SOOO GOOD to have a man on my arm when running into an EX, lol. Ya'll know ain't nothing worse than running into someone and you by yo self. I wonder did he, like me, clue his partner in on exactly who we used to be. Of course then I continued to see his ass the rest of the time at the show, lol. I ain't gonna hate - his new woman reminded me of...me. The funniest part of the whole thing; Mini-me decided to give CAUN a debriefing about him, lol lol Who knew she thought he was....corny, lol lol. Kids.

We did all the things you do at a car show and settled on the Maybach as one of our favorite cars. CAUN and I have such a good time together and for the most part Mini-me stayed mortified at our antics,lol. We settled on the Hyundai Santa Fe and the Toyota Sequoia as our rides. Now I settled on the Jag for my 50th birthday gift, lol I sat in that bad boy and it was LUSH and I looked LUSH in that bad boy.

We went all over that place and then we ended our evening at Ruby Tuesdays. It was a wonderful saturday.

Today, I panicked and decided to clean up. Now yes, I've been home all week with Mini-me and yea I did a couple of things, but I'm having to increase my housework. This whole 'having a man' thing takes alot of energy, lol. All this cooking, cleaning, loving etc. My physical activity has picked up three fold. Tomorrow we go back to work and school. At least we have an all staff and BBQ, so my day will be cushy.

Janet is preoccupied with the baby, so we have been missing each other - but no fear, I've been getting ghost alot lately myelf, all wrapped up in CAUN.

Well I would write more - but my domestic has CAUN in a frenzy, His cup is about to runneth over - so I'mma go get something out the washing machine or something and end my night on a High Note, lol Ya'll take care.

Sunset Monologue 183

2006-05-05T21:33:00.000-05:00

Fruitopia Friday

Blog Musical Mood: Riding Dirty - Chammillion

Hey Ya'll - just sitting here listening to LA's Finest shake the rafters on my home with his snoring, lol lol We were going to the movies to see Mission Impossible III - but then decided not to do everything at once. We are going to the car show tomorrow. I won one ticket through a blog contest THANKS KARSH!, so it will only cost us $15 to get in - so that's a go. Mini-Me will be in the wheel chair so she'll be fine.

I had enough of staying in the house - so I went out today. Packed that child up and we hit the streets. Funny the best place for me to unwind? The thrift store, lol. I needed to go anyway because I needed to get Mini-Me some pants to fit over her brace. Well this was a good trip - I mean once I cleaned out the trunk the wheelchair wasn't bad to get into the car at all. I have been weaning her off daytime meds and making her do some things for herself these last two days - so it worked out fine. Funny what kinda determination and strength you get as a parent. I just had to deal with that whole lift the wheel chair up and out. Now I fogot to put the brake on and pushed her into the street (!!!) but it was okay. I was in the zone, lol I got me two pair of cropped pants, five shirts and a pair of slides. I got her a pair of cropped pants, two pairs of sweats, and two dresses and a really cute shirt. I got LA's Finest a pair of dockers for work and two really nice shirts all for $45.00!! You know how I do it. I outfitted us all, lol It's no wonder why it's so HARD for me to shop 'normal'.

So He has also been dragging me around the block a couple of times a week. That's a good thing. We talk and plan out things while we speed walk. I joined my gigs Active for Life so I might as well be active. Now he knocked out and I'm still up - but then again - I got alot of excess energy being locked up in this house this week.

I got a feeling that I'll have a nice Mothers Day coming up. I'm excited. Funny I always was one who said I didn't like flowers but since he's been bringing them to me - I LOVE THEM, lol. One bouquet has lasted a month no lie - these are super flowers,lol. I had three bouquets and the other two died but this one is going strong, lol.

Before I go enjoy my weekend - let me show ya'll something that has not happened to me since um 1983 or something like that. LA needs to stop hatin on my Caramel Skin, lol

And FINALLY - as of this thread - I am officially changing LA's FINEST to his New Name: CAUN - No need to know what that stands for (heheheh,) but he will be referred to as CAUN (pronounced CAH YOUNNNNNN) from this day forth.

Sunshine Monologue 190

2006-05-04T08:45:00.000-05:00

And The Thoughts Continue

Part II

I had something interesting happen that deserves a few words. LA's Finest and I are adding more and more to the foundation of our love as we take this most beautiful journey. Now of course - our union affects alot of people, we got kids, ex's and all kinds of other people that we both will acknowledge within our union. Now we might not give them any real energy, but we do know they are around. Well LA came home one day and said he was told that he probably wouldn't end up marrying me because I didn't look like I was up to his....speed. Now unbeknownst to him, this was not the first time this sentiment had been expressed about me. I actually had heard this before from Mobetta's Ex wife. And here I was again, many years down the line running into this sentiment again.

I always find it interesting how as women we think it is our 'right' to chew up and spit out men and then require them to forever be in debt to us because we gave them the time of day. So many women operate on the principle "Do as I say and not as I do". We can break up and move on with new people and new experiences but don't let our last man, finally bury what we had and move on - - Oh HELL NO! How dare him! How dare he have the nerve to......be happy. We need to really check this among ourselves, because not only is it not fair - it's borderline psychotic behaviour if you ask me.

I smiled this time like I smiled last time at that 'ASSumption'. When LA's said it, it reminded me of that McDonalds Commercial, where the dude looks at the woman and thinks she's square and not with it and then her cell phone goes off and she's CRUNK! I like being that woman! I like the fact that the fabulousness that is I - is not wasted on everyone and it takes a keen eye to even point it out. There are alot of thoughts out there about me and WHO I AM. I find it exciting and intriguing. So please, continue to think right up until "I Now Pronounce You Husband and Wife" rings out over the land........

Missy Heat Mizer! Missy Heat Mizer! I have been laughing at this one as well, because I have come to accept that I can be a meany and can get quite fiesty. It's a part of my personality that I have embraced. It also is coming in handy when it comes to LA's Finest. He has the softest, most open heart I have ever encountered. He is AN ANGEL!! We are really ying for yang because he certainly has made me look more into my sensitive, tender side and I have had to just lay some stuff out on the line to him - because I want to fight so many people for taking advantage of him! How dare they take such a beautiful person and use him over and over again for their own evil selfish plans! Know this: Pamela is in the house and I'm blocking left and right on his behalf - the days of using LA's Finest are OVA!!!!!!

You ever feel like you wanna get even closer to someone. Love Making, which is the ultimate expression of openess and passion is NOT ENOUGH. I feel like that about LA's Finest. Ya'll just don't understand, lol and probably are tired of me expounding on it - but oh well, lol. This is soooooo different than any experience with a man I have ever had. I feel like I want to take my skin off and show this man my soul. He is stripping away so many layers of old paint and the shine that is coming through is blinding! Getting in touch with deeper levels of me (including tears) has me all discombobulated but it is such a necessary journey. I sing from the rafters my love for this man. I have never been this demonstrative, this open or this forthcoming about a relationship. I have opened up to my momma, my family, perfect strangers.

We feel a bit fustrated because we want to be more to each other than just dating or whatever - it's like we need a bigger title and a bigger identity for what we got going on. I don't keep track of time or anything because it would put limitations and societal pressures around our union and I'm doing MY THANG with this man.

The atmosphere in my world, in my house is so wonderful. He belongs here - he is not outside of the scope of my day to day and I am not outside the scope of his. We have merged and it has been the most natural thing I have ever experienced. We have NO PRESSURE among us - our bond is bereft of drama. Some say you should argue before you mate - well we have disagreed, but we both are not argumentative - so why interject something that is not needed for us to get along.

We are up in here living, grooving and loving. I gots me a family and that's a beautiful thang! LA's Finest has met and integrated himself into my friend base - we move as a unit. Him being so open about our love with his family and friends is the most beautiful thing in the world. I have been a 'secret' in a man's world more times than I care to admit and for a man to 'claim' his love for me - is worth it's weight in gold. It's allowed me to 'claim' my love for him.

To be on the cusp of 40 is sexy within itself, but to then find Love and GOOD LOVE from a GOOD MAN - is Orgasmic.

Sunshine Monologue 189

2006-05-04T08:08:00.000-05:00

The Trifecta Approach

Blog Musical Mood: Make It Last Forever - Keith Sweat

Mannnn, I have been trying to get back to blogging! My mind is about to explode with thoughts. I am going to NOT break the blogger rule by posting one long as post - but hit you with a couple of mini-one's, lol. So enjoy!

First, Mini-me is doing alot better. I've been out all week tending to her. Being put back in a position of a new mom (as in I'm on call 24 hours) has been interesting to say the least, lol. I am T-I-R-E-D. At least a new child weights like 7 lbs. I should be ready for bikini weather in no time, lol. I am however, attempting to wean her off of the codeine and we need to deal with pain management - in order to go back to school - so I am going to just take this week and we will start again on Monday.

I have to go and buy some jeans etc. (from the thrift) because she has to wear the brace under her clothes and as we know young people's clothes have no breathing room. I'm picking up a few things that we can cut up and she'll be going 'Hulk Style" for a little while. I will try to make it creative etc.

She's been quite a trooper and I let her know that I was proud of her and that one of the beauties of she and I is that we can make one HELL of a glass of lemonade out of the lemons we are dealth. Hopefully by Monday, we should be back to some form of a routine.

Meanwhile, I was doing quite janky with my school work. Just been preoccupied. So I was down to the wire - had an 8 page final paper due. I was on page negative two. I sat down and focused and crunk it out in three hours! Turned it in and hoped for the best - just went and checked for my final grade and I got a 34 out of 35 on my paper and an A out the class (93). YES! Next class started that very day! I didn't have the money for my book - so I won't be able to get in the groove till Friday when my book gets here. I was thinking of taking the summer off, but I'm in the zone and so I'll just go right on through.

The 40th Birthday Party Plans are coming along fine. I have decided to have a white party. I think they are so classy and outside in the beginning of the summer it will be hella sexy. Of course as the Person of Honor - I have something up my sleeve. Apparently, "La's Finest" does as well.......

Stay tuned for Part Two.........

Sunset Monologue 182

2006-05-01T17:58:00.000-05:00

The Limbo Heard Round The World!

Blog Musical Mood: Don't Disturb This Groove - The System

This E.T. looking creature is not a sonogram of some impending birth I'm about to have, but Mini-me's Knee!! It's been a long day people! Mini-me was a trooper and surgery was successful. Unfortunately it was at the worst end of the scale and there were two 2 centimeter pieces of cartlidge (bone) floating around. The Dr. ended up calling some residents in because this was the biggest break she had seen in her career on a child!

There were two options - to remove the floating pieces and 'grow' some cartlidge for a graft or try to work with hers. The Doctor decided to get 'experimental' and try to save hers.

Mini-me has two screws in her knee holding the broken bone together, which required a bit of additional time in surgery. They are 'hoping' that this bone recognizes it is home and fuses itself back to her knee. however, they couldn't save it all - so she has a gap (which basically means when she gets old - she probably will have knee problems - the short term is we are hoping arthitis doesn't set in while she's young).

It is imperative that she puts NO PRESSURE on this leg. Currently she is in a stricter brace which has a contraption hooked up to it - so that I can actually pump ice cold water into the brace. I have to do this a couple of times. Pump the water out and replace it with ice cold water. She must keep pressure off this leg for six weeks and she is in a wheel chair for a minute.

The Dr. is predicting she should be ready to go back to school (based on me calling and making sure) on Thurday...Friday at the latest. However it looks like six weeks in this immobilization brace, then they might have to go back in to make sure the screws dissolved and things are going okay - then we got about 4-6 months of additional therapy because by the time the six weeks are up - her knee would have fused...straight.

There is an option of a cast, which I will explore next week when I take her in for her check up. I might just get the cast to ensure - she doesn't get antsy and move that leg.

So there you have it! I got her all the way up to 12 without a childhood injury and she takes her maiden voyage with a doozy! ALL FROM DOING THE DAMN LIMBO AT A FESTIVAL!!

Otherwise things are going fine - let me just say that it is SUCH A BLESSING to have this man (LA's Finest) in my life! To have someone to be there, to listen, to hug me, to just be a man about his, I'm damn near speechless and this ain't the first time since he and I began. We had such a wonderful weekend (I got about three blog topics off of this one) and we both were like - Who would have thunk we would be sitting here doing THIS from a decision to answer my note on Blackplanet.

I have a paper to write (yea I'm getting to it and it was due today) - but never fear I got three blogs to get on here!

PEACE!

Sunset Monologue 181

2006-04-28T17:43:00.000-05:00

Freedom Finally Friday

Blog Musical Mood: Living For The Weekend - OJays

Hootie Hoooo! How are ya'll doing?! I am liking the mystery surrounding the death and rebirth of The Emancipation of Pammie. Ya'll keep it crunk for a sista and I think you will like where I take it.

Well my hormones are back in balance - so let me blast ya'll with some little Friday Ditties!

Scapel - STAT! - Well on Monday Mini-me and I venture into The Children's Hospital for a little bit of surgery. Diagnosis on the Knee: She dislocated her knee cap and broke the bone behind it. Surgeon has to go in and gather up the 'floating' pieces and repair the knee. We are still gunning to enjoy Cheerleading in the Fall. Ya'll keep her in your prayers - they will have to knock her out. Thank You

CONTENTMENT

I find myself, closing alot of folders in my life as I sit back and watch us grow, expand, blossom. No need to drag up all my history - the last two years will suffice, lol. No need to tell stories to validate my existence - I know I'm here and alive. He looks at me and I feel his mind whirling and his heart beating faster. He is so articulate in his expression of...love. He takes my hand and transfers the feeling to me, old arteries are unclogging and filling up with joy - my demeanor is calm, but believe you me - I'm jumping for joy! Isn't it a shame that we are trampled on in this journey of life, and can't ever recreate that 'feeling' we had when we were...untouched. We joke we are 14 and 16 and I do that on purpose so that I can 'feel it' like that. He leaves me speechless and I've given him voice. He gives me direction and I've given him purpose, He gives me security and I've given him comfort - - LOVEEEE Never Knew What I Was Missing.

You all have a fabulous weekend!

Sunset Monologue 180

2006-04-26T16:09:00.000-05:00

We Interupt for...Emotion

Blog Musical Mood: Beat It - Michael Jackson

For Those Who Take It With No Lube In The Name Of Assisting

I Salute You!

Hope You Had A Vanglorious Day!

Keep Your Eye On The Prize!

Hey ya'll! Want to take a minute to thank you all for the comments about the ending of this blog - let's just say this has been my baby and of course at some point the baby grows up - so yes THIS BLOG will be ending - but don't scrap the bookmark just yet..............

Well it seems as if I am 'feeling' and it might be due to some hormonal things going on - so I'll spare you all my drama and be back tomorrow. NO - Nothing is wrong, just feeling as if my ovaries are talking FOR me, lol.

Sunshine Monologue 188

2006-04-25T10:28:00.000-05:00

So What Else Is Going On?!

Blog Musical Mood: Sweet Lady - Tyrese

Hey folks! What it be? I hope things are going well witcha. Thought I would start off by letting ya'll know what's happening in the rest of the Licious World. So let's begin....

My Bio Please Mini-me came to me a couple of weeks ago and said that she felt like performing so she 'booked' herself at XYZ elementary school to sing in their fashion show and would I email over her bio?! Um, you ain't got no bio and stop booking yourself and asking me to be your manager, lol lol The girl is BUSY! So her day came this past Friday and she graced the audience with "I Believe" by Yolanda Adams. She is the gutsy one I tell yah - she didn't go to this school, knew no one but got on up there and belted out her song. She said she had a good time and I got it all on tape. Good Deal!

I Do Have Insurance The leg drama goes on and on - I FINALLY have gotten her an appt to resee the Orthopedic Dr. to get the results of the MRI. The HMO system sucks ass, the damn thing is probably healed now and probably wrong. She doesn't need the crutches and can wear her leg taped up - but I make her wear the brace to school. The swelling has went down but not away and she still can't bend the damn thing. I just decided to NOT be fustrated.

I'm a Student I finally received my official transcript evaluation and I am pleased to announce that going through the summer in Community College has paid off. I need 120 credits to graduate with my Bachelors in Organizational Management and I have......67!! Look at that! I could be out by late summer next year! However, I am getting ready to call the school and find out how to after these next two classes (which I will complete on June 6th) I can take the summer off and go back when Mini-me goes back second week of August. I'm so nervous that with all the cheerleading camps, hanging out, traveling and summer activities I won't be able to focus, and I'd rather suspend than waste my money and have to take anything over. I don't know how that works with online schools, but I'll find out and report back. My current GPA is 3.35 so I'm doing okay. I'm doing okay.

I'm still Humble Being the recent recipient of the blessing that is...MAN (smile) - I want to make it clear that I am now not the knower of all things (not anymore than I already was) and that I am still quite in touch with and cognizant of the struggle and what not associated with dating and what alot of my other sisters are going through. I'm still pinching my damn self, so there is no need for me to gloat or to now act like I don't remember that just a few short months ago - this blog was FILLED with analyzation of the plight and what must be done. I want for my sister what I want for myself! So no gloating here - maybe a little jig but I would hope that me expressing my visual instead of my cognative is a good thing. As I look back on the wonderfulness that is this blog - it is leading up to having one hell of a transition to 40.

Party Ova Here The party plans are underway (it's almost making me a bit sad seeing as this blog will end in a short 41 days!). I am getting excited! I decided to have it at Casa De Pamalicious because it's wedding season and halls/hotels etc. are going for top dollar when I got...food stamps, lol. Hookups are coming out the woodwork for this event, so it's ALL GOOD!! I will start doing a party watch in the border so that you all can keep up. I find it crazy that all 40th party ware is making it seem like it's doomsday. I want a happy theme - any suggestions? Right now I"m geared towards a color scheme but no theme.

Love Exciting and New Everyday we get to know each other is a good day people! We spent this past weekend doing something we actually haven't had a chance to do - spend hours together. It was fantastic and the best time I've had in awhile. We have similar personalities and both like having fun so everything we did was tinged with laughter and what not. We went to the mall and had an opportunity to check out our tastes and sizes and what not, which is always nice. It was so comfortable us riding along, listening to music, filling in even more blanks about ourselves etc. etc. The sun was shining and all was right. Mini-me has warmed up alot and they are developing a relationship - I've explained to her that it's okay because regardless we needed this and it's been good for us. I'm all dewey and glowy and so is he and he is 1/8 a shade from coal black so that's a feat, lol. We went fantasy house looking, we went in the Zales (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that scared me, but I won't go there), It is just soo nice having HIM (because sometimes just having a man present is not enough). We get along so well and have enough in common and enough not in common that it's making a mix. We move about in my 'dollhouse' quite well - we haven't overstepped each others need for space as of yet and can be doing two separate things - now I do have a penchant to want to just stand around and look at him and what not - but I'm starting to not do that unless he got his wife beater on,lol. The 'Cabin' (which is his place since he's rarely there) is nice and cozy as well and I can see adding a bit of me there - since he's splashed his paint on the 'dollhouse'. We are past 90 days and going QUITE strong. I think I'm finally....comfortable with the continuous of me....having a man. EXHALE, EXHALE, EXHALE.

Finally - I want to take a moment to say HELLO to everyone who has discovered my blog and keeps coming back. I have appreciated ALL the comments etc. and I am happy that you want to peep in on little ole me. I will not compromise the integrity of my blog based on the audience - I'm keeping it R-E-A-L this is life according to Pamalicious - sit back and enjoy the ride - I got nodoze to the left if you get a bit sleepy, lol

A SPECIAL SHOUT OUT (old school style) to everyone LA's Finest has brought my way including his Mother, Brother and Co-workers.

Sunshine Monologue 187

2006-04-24T11:07:00.000-05:00

Coming Up For Air

Blog Musical Mood: You - Raheem DeVaugh

I feel like after all the emotion that has transpired recently needed to marinate and I needed to come up for some air. There are other things going on in the world besides me and LA's Finest, lol lol. I know right! He wants to say Thank You to all the responses his entry got. He is retiring his pen and moving on to focus on his passion - Rock On Entertainment

Below is a post that actually came to mind because I had the best 'musical' weekend! Music and Me I tell yah! We both like music and we spent alot of time listening and remembering and this entry fits so well - so I thought I'd repost it today for my 'newbies'.

Enjoy!

Music Makes You Loose Control

All weekend I have been having music in my head and in my heart. Little ditties that I have enjoyed for a lifetime as well as new ones that strike my fancy. Filling out that 10 songs I'm digging now, certainly put that into overdrive and I just started thinking about music and the 'soundtracks' of our lives. I mean it's one of the few things that can chart our existence out here, lol. We know what music surrounds all the highs and lows of our life. I know that SPARKLE by Cameo was my song, when I was in love with KL from High School, lol lol. So I thought that I would devote this evenings post to "Music and Me" Come Take this journey with me.

How it all began

I sat watching Soul Train with my family. The Jackson Five were to perform. I wasn't quite sure what all the fuss was about, afterall I was what six, seven years old. Then they came out and began singing. My young heart began beating so fast, I thought I was going to pass out! I looked into those almond eyes staring back at me in those quite colorful clothes and when he said "Come here Girl I think I love yah! Show me what you can do" I got to shaking my little Muslim Hips, cause I just KNEW he was talking to me - this can't possibly be what love is all about - but it was and I had begun my first love affair --- with Michael Jackson. I still have that 45, my mom bought me - I'll never get rid of it.

The Longest most consistent and most satisfying love affair of my life

Well I could do a whole blog about this subject, but I won't and I swear I will keep this short and to the point. Michael Jackson, His Brothers and Sisters for that matter have been thru my entire life with me. I don't necessarily identify with the 'typical' fan because it's about the music for me. I can recognize that Mike has some issues etc. but his music DOESN'T, and that's what I focus on now as an adult; but let's go back to when I was into the MAN, lol. I think he is responsible for the 'romantic dellusions' I have today, lol My entire room as a teenager, was covered with pictures of him. I had diaries devoted to him, letters I wrote weekly, the record player with his face on it and an undying passion to be his wife,lol.

Part of my popularity in late elementary school and early High School was the FIVE VOLUME fairytale that I had written chronicling our life from him meeting me at 16 to us celebrating our 25 wedding anniversary and everything in between. I would hold 'readings' such as they do today, where girls and guys would gather while I read aloud all of our exploits. Five - five subject composition books full of our life, oh and by the time I hit 12, our passionate sex, lol lol I was a PIONEER in EROTIC WRITING, lol lol

When 'Destiny' came out the album cover was a fold out. Mike was at one end and Randy was at the other. I learned about kissing from that album cover. My girlfriend and I would put that record on and as we sat and listened we would 'make out' with them. She was into Randy because I didn't associate with anyone that was into Mike, lol lol I have that cover still and their lips are kissed off, lol

There was a song for EVERYTHING that was ever going on in my life, lol lol As my young adult angst went to an all time high - HE was there, (shit he's STILL there). No matter who I was in love with that week (lol) Mike was the one who could sing about it and make me feel good or better. Parent problems, eventually He covered that for me as well, job issues - He got that covered, stupid negro issues - He always has that covered, Orgasmic heights of bliss, he got that too.

When I see him perform, even in his current 'condition' a few things happen. I get extremely hot and have to take my clothes off and I get woozy. This is no lie, ask Mini-me, lol. When the CBS special came out, I stripped and got right in front of the TV and passed out. You might even be able to ask "Janet" about that. I can cut that special on today and I'll sit there and swear it won't get to me and it does, lol

So now I'm 39, a grown woman, with a few miles of yardage on my heart, but still Mike does and will always be the 'soundtrack of MY Life' and I wanted to first before I go into other music, I've had affairs with - speak about my MAN.

Getting my Freaky Deaky On

I was relatively a time bond waiting to explode on the whole sexuality tip. I had such an innocent relationship with Mike. All bubblegum and puppy dogs. Then one day a short, afroed, man came strollin in, He wore 4 inch heels and played a guitar and wanted to know if I was "Soft and Wet" - Well I looked him dead in the eye (literally) and was like HELL YEA! and thus began my back alley love affair with PRINCE.
All of the wires in my loins got connected and set afire as this man took me on a ride I will never forget. Him and his orgy pals (Vanity 6, The Time, Andre' Cymone etc.) Had me on overdrive. He wanted to do so much to me and I let him, from "Jack u off" to "International Lover" to "Beautiful Ones" I was his hooker baby! Drippin wet pictures of him hid behind the clothes in my closet, low low volume as he took me there time and time again.

I was 15, just got home from school - cut the radio on and they said 103'rd caller, call in. I picked up the phone and suddenly I was on the radio and they were telling me I had won. I was like "what did I win" and they said "Two tickets to see Prince at the Fox the midnite show" KLUNK! that was me passing out on the floor. I wanted to go with a 'date' my first 'date' but Moms wasn't having that, so after she donned a purple feather in her head (don't ask) we went to see Prince. I will FOREVER remember him writhing around in that bed on stage, his sexuality was just so raw - way to raw.....for my momma, lol lol

I am still prone to go off on a binge with him when he's hitting the notes I want to hear. You know you never forget your first sexual partner - and I haven't. He still makes music for my loins.

Somewhere There's A Love Just For Me

I have been a 'romantic' for as long as I can remember. The notion of love and men etc. has just been something I have always wanted. I remember the very first crush I had, his name was....'MC' and He sat next to me at JC Harris elementary school, I was NINE. I LOVED that boy, lol I say that to say that crooners have always been in the forefront of my musical landscape.

Shalamar: I have ALL of their Records in all their incarnations. Jeffrey Daniels, was definately on my 'to do' list, lol They would always have like one or two slow jams on the album and I would just play them over and over. I have followed Howard Hewitt throughout his career as well as Jody Watley (check her site out, and her new remix!)

Debarge: Shaped who I wanted to marry, lol Ahhh gotta love when Light Skinned was in!! El and James were both on my 'to do' list followed much later in life by their edgy brotha "Chico"

Today, I am still very much into 'slow jams' when I hear "Yes Indeed" by Tina Maria, it breaks my HEART! Phyllis Hyman "Living All Alone", Stephfanie Mills "Comfort of a Man".....all songs that touch the inner me.

I came to the conclusion that in a woman's life we have three cycles: Want a Man, Got A Man and Lost A Man. I made a three part CD collection, that musically - takes us on this journey. Still a favorite in my CD player.

Releasing my Inner Becky

At one point, I left my home and went to the other side of the tracks. I was doing the swirl bad. The Only person I associated with from my homeland was Mike, other than that - I was imersed and engulfed in this new world. Jackets filled with buttons of Culture Club, Billy Idol, Cindi Lauper, Madonna, let the world know that I was now batting for the otherside. There were darker sides to this life as well Motley Crue, Twisted Sister, Poison - pseudo dealings with the devil I took glee in. Then there was confusing identity crisis with Duran Duran. I still get dressed and go to some favorite haunts that I enjoyed, have a beer and do the white girl dance with the best of em.

I Used to Love H.E.R.

Today I got to thinking about Hip Hop and when I met 'her' and if she's had any influence on me. I grew up in Atlanta in a world that was black - I rarely interacted with the rest of the world. Black hoods, black people, black schools. Uptopia in a manner of speaking. I have memories of 'her' in passing - we met but it was nothing that made me want to meet 'her' again. The Sugar Hill Gang was catchy but it was seen more as this quirky 'song' that came from some place called New York. At least to my friends. My girlfriends and I couldn't figure out why? NOBODY was cute! She was that girl that stood on the wall and maybe one person asked her to dance..but Mike, Prince, El Debarge were the frivolities of choice.

Then I met my math teacher. He was from 'up north' as we liked to say and one day while we were acting a plum fool - he brought out a cassette player and popped in this tape and "She" came out sat down in front of the class and commanded our attention - 'she' had brought Grand Master Flash and they were telling us they were 'close to the edge'. We looked around at our trees and grass and southern charm and were blown away. Where is this place of urban decay and what is this form of talk/singing? 'She' had passed out party favors and alot of us kept them on our dresser - in sight but not touched.

I moved to Philadelphia and when I stepped out the car and my $10.00 sneakers hit that concrete I was....appalled. So this is urban squalor. Where are the trees, what is this 'accent', how come the homes are...connected?! I just couldn't get it. Then one day up in my older brothers room (and excuse if my chronological order is out of wack) he pulled out an LP and these three guys were on the front with these funny hats and huge glasses. He told us this was RUN DMC and listen to this. When he put the needle to that piece of plastic - 'She' was Carrie at the prom! We sat mesmerized by this music...but unlike Carrie 'she' won prom queen and went on to graduate w/honors.

So many memories of the beginning of the commercialization of rap. We were like the stepford kids - this music was making us act strange, we were moving with jerky movements and the music replaced our former passtime..the television. The first time we heard "Eric B for president" and then.....Public Enemy. We would sit in my brothers little car and I mean little; 2 doors put 5-6 of us in that car as he blasted this music and our heads bobbed in unison. For a voracious reader like myself - this was prose put to music and I could get with that. Hours and Hours on end we were instrumental in making Def Jam rich.

I moved to New York in 1989 - so I lived in the mecca and took part in the pilgrimage! My husband grew up in New York and used to be part of the Wrecking Crew a very popular breakdancin group. "She" had introduced me to her friends :) 'her' consciousness was mind boggling - KRS ONE etc. taught and preached and made us be so proud to be black...Ralph McDaniel became my second cousin, lol and slowly some 'cuteness' began to emerge as well as a reshaping of my personal choice landscape in the form of Big Daddy Kane...oooo la la.

Then one day - a shot rang out from far away..a place called Compton...there were black people in California?! It was intoxicating..mesmerizing...and addictive. Our cousin who we didn't speak about had come home and he was UPSET! Your psyche didn't want to embrace the violence, but it did and in doing so...we slowly self imploded.

Throughout the years 'she' has planted herself firmly in my life. The Chronic, Parents Just Don't Understand Doggie Style Hammer Don't Hurt Em - all parties I have joined in with 'her'.

At 39 however, she has alienated me for the most part. She's now naked, hungry and out of doors. She has lost her own respect and whored out so many of her bretheren. She sits at the grown folks table but the grown folks don't really respect her..anymore. We want to see her cousins from back in the day - sit back, play a little spades and remember when.....

What the Future Holds

Well as part of growing up - you reach back. I am enjoying classic R&B, vibes and grooves where you lose yourself in 'inference' - letting me paint the picture. I still will visit the dark, murky world of the underground - this time as a stripper with the joy of booty bass music - I can hear my stiletto's tapping on the ground, lol,but I'm getting kinda old; back kinda hurting - I think I will one day be grown enough for Jazz - some of it is starting to sound quite soothing.

Sunset Monologue 179

2006-04-20T23:23:00.000-05:00

No Options

My Blog Musical Mood: Feels Good All Over - Stepfanie Mills
His Blog Musical Mood: 50/50 Love - Teddy Pendergrass

After reading my last blog entry, LA's Finest indicated that he wanted a voice on the page. He needed to get something off his chest it was bubbling up and was about to overflow. So I told him to write and I would post UNEDITED - it would add so much depth to the recent words I have been writing. So without further adieu - LA's Finest..........

I can not speak for every man but, I can speak for myself when I say I was afraid of commitment. I was afraid that I might miss something better. I was afraid that I might hurt her and she would hate me. I was afraid that I would need to win the game before the game beats me. I believed that love was a convenient word to say in order to get the rights of passage to anything I want from her. And then something happened…….I grew up. Not just in a physical sense but spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. I don’t think the same, act the same or do the same things I used to do. And with that in mind, I don’t love the same. The love I have now has meaning and depth behind it. I use to feel like, “What if I use this good love I have on the wrong woman and end up stuck.” I did and was. Let me rephrase that, not the wrong woman per say but a woman with a different direction than mine. After years of irreconcilable differences, I was back in the mix, the game, on the market……….SINGLE!!!! let me dust off my players card, get a new Black Book, and redo my wardrobe (label whore. Indie.Arie would hate me). But the game ain’t what it used to be. The internet is widespread, and clubs are dangerous. You could pick up anything from bullets to AIDS. My weapon of choice was the internet. No strings attached. Just for fun. See ya when I see ya. Who Let The Dogs Out?

Then I came across somebody that made me rethink my situation and want to do some type of realigning of my standards for the type of woman I would like in my life, a good one. I wondered though, what, in my terms, constitutes a good woman? And if she’s such a good woman, am I that good enough of a man for her? I can play the roll for the panties. Hold it up for a little while then ease out when she gets serious. I love having a stable of women strategically placed around the city to fit my needs when I am in that area. She would fit perfect. Not too close to me and not too far for a midnight creep. I can make it look like my schedule is too hectic and permits me from getting serious. Hit her up for my needs whether it be sexual or financial. The ratio is so on my side, she would think she hit goldmine with me. But then I realized that it’s harder to keep up the front than it is being real. I have to remember all those lies I told and make sure they didn’t run on top of each other or was said to the wrong woman.

I decided to be upfront and real. She made me feel comfortable enough to expose myself and not feel like I didn’t measure up to Tyrese/Diddy. O.K. here’s the hard part. Can I keep my interest in HER and HER ONLY? Am I ready to be monogamous?

I’ve come to this conclusion. I Love this woman with all I have. My world is not a perfect one and neither is hers. Yet together our worlds are as good as anybody else’s. What strikes me the most is that she was happy before I came along. She didn’t look for me to make her happy. That’s what makes this comfortable. I love this woman and am not afraid to cut off my options to anyone else. My nights are now filled with reminiscing on the 80’s and 90’s, old episodes of Martin while sharing popcorn, stretching a dollar one week and blowing $100.00 the next. Her giving me the control to watch ESPN and me being considerate and giving it back for Lifetime. I have a new journey and a partner to take it with.

I LOVE YOU PAM !!!!!!!!!

Sorry Ladies....His Brother is Happily Married :)

Sunshine Monologue 186

2006-04-18T09:02:00.000-05:00

Rain On Me

Blog Musical Mood: Inseparable - Will Downing

"You have a man now - I got/you got" The money sat on the table. It represented roughly 50% of the second job. Now if you got a million then 50% isn't so bad, but if you got a dollar, then 50% means something significant. And in my world it was a defining moment. Ever caught a movie sequence where a person life flashes before them and beams out from their body? I listened intently as he quietly explained to me the who, what, when and why's of his gesture. However, my mind was sparking and racing all over the place.

Sometimes when we take a journey - we want the past steps on that journey to disappear. Some things, mind you, need to - but alot of our journey is forever just below the surface for us to go over, use accordingly etc. Relationships, unfortunately are one of those things. Not just your romantic laisions but all of them - our interaction with other humans is a pivital aspect of our make-up in my opinion and that's why they never really fade away. You have a decision to make, you can either spend your life's journey throwing your past into boxes, bags and closets and exerting unnecessary energy pretending that at each striking of 12:01am the previous day didn't exist, or you can find you a spot and catalogue, scrapbook and file your past and feel secure enough to pull out a chapter sometimes.

As I sat there - the drawer marked 'Love Journey's' flew open and a strong wind tossed those memories right up in my face. Except something was different - the words smeared on those pages cleared up and I had an epiphany...........I had never really had a man before. I've had dating, I've had marriage (!!), but I haven't really had a man.....before.......today. I know, I know - you think the prime grade A 100% fine specimen of NIGRESS in me, wants to start ripping to shreds all of my past relationships and their shortcomings, but to do that would be crack my own self across the skull exposing the white meat. However, the truth is the truth. I've had lovers of my flesh, I've had lovers of my personality, I've had lovers of what I could give - but I've never had a straight up, no afraid, not ashamed, not conflicted, open lover of...ME. I should curl up in the shower naked and let scalding hot water beat down on me at that realization - but instead I feel good! I feel good that the little bits and pieces of goodness that I find in all Brothers all put together equals LA's Finest Right SOCK, lol Because the rest of the outfit of Love this Brother wears and it's custom tailored and it looks good on....ME!

I wanted to get angry, I wanted to lash out, I wanted to call up and ask every Ex - what was it that made them afraid, but I've acknowledged my own fear, and that's enough. We are who we are and we are where we were during each encounter with each man. I am now HERE and the journey has taken on new forms and shapes and I'm now spinning in my cocoon closer to my emergence on June 4th -

So it's raining on me - the paper with the time I was bleeding internally for 15 days and couldn't find or reach my 'man' is soaked, the post it note with the time my 'man' called me a fat bitch in front of my daughter is all gummy, the notebook paper with my 'man' explaining that I wasn't really fly enough to be on the arm of a record producer is soaked - I throw my arms out to receive the rain and then strong arms encircle me and pull me under the shelter - they wrap a warm towel around me and hand me some hot chocolate....."You Got A Man Now...It's Okay....It's Okay"

Sunset Monologue 178

2006-04-16T21:17:00.000-05:00

14 going on 40

Blog Musical Mood: Dreamin - Vanessa Williams

What it be people?! I saw a piece of that movie 13 Going On 30 and thought I would do a play on that - by posting some actual diary entries from when I was....14. Of course I have all my journals from 14 to present ( now isn't that gonna be off the chain at my demise?). So let's look into the world of Pamalicious when she was 14 (In no particular order) - believe you me the psychosis started EARLY!!

March 16, 1981

Dear Diary,

I had a wonderful time. I went to the movies with T. We had a great time. When we got home he kissed me about twenty times. It was soo romantic. I guess I better go!

March 21, 1981

Dear Diary,

On I am so sad! at the last minute my mother changed her mind of all the things. I guess I"ll call T. and tell him I can't go. I know he will be upset.

March 22, 1981

Dear Diary,

Boy am I mad. I called T. and he had just talked to Z. and I told him and he said "well I'll bring you something back". I am so mad at my mother. She gets on my last nerve. She's always ruining my plans. I don't know why she doesn't trust me. If I wanted to do something, I would have been done soemthing.

March 27, 1981

Dear Diary,

Today T and I got into an argument and I slapped him. I coudl tell he was mad, because he didn't say anything to me the rest of the evening. We have not kissed each other in 10 days and I guess we won't now - since I slapped him.

March 28, 1981

Dear Diary,

I know why we aren't kissing - he said I was on punishment. He said I had a month to go for the slap incident. We were talking on the phone and he goes "you gon give me a date?" and I asked, What date?" and he said "to have sex" and "you know I don't do that kinda stuff, I'm not ready for all that" He goes, "Ok Love I can wait" I'm so confused I like him alot, but I'm just 14 and I don't want to be one of 'those type of girls'. I'll just have to explain that to him and probably he'll find himself another girlfriend. Oh well.....

April 7, 1981

Dear Diary,

T. was very upset with me today, He didn't say as much as hello to me, he igged me today like I didn't exist. He never walks me home anymore. He did have on the tightest jeans today. I should tell him that he could go sterile wearing those tight jeans...hmmm then I could have sex with him because I wouldn't get pregnant Laugh Laugh Laugh.

April 19, 1981

Dear Diary,

I went to six flags today. It was fun, I had a goodtime. We left about 12:00a.m. and came back about 11:00pm. We had a good ass time.

May 1, 1981

Dear Diary,

Well it's over. T and I broke up today. It's a very long story and I actually don't feel like talking about it.

May 20, 1981

Dear Diary,

I'm on Goddamn Punishment! Ain't that a bitch?! However, I did see K.L. at school - he sure was looking good.

June 13, 1981

Dear Diary,

What a day - I need to cuss, damn, shit pussy face, bitch two time motherfucka, hoe, hussy, heifer. Oh I can't think of nothign else right now. I feel better already. My life is no way where I need it to be. Maybe I'll leave home. I got six dollars...

August 17, 1981

Dear Diary,

This was my lucky day. I went to the laundrymatt and the cutest boy ever came in. I liked to died, then I went to the Omni and saw 50 to 60 boys! Not one of them ugly! DAMN!

September 8, 1981

Dear Diary,

I haven't written in awhile. Well I'm in love again. His name is K.L. and you should see him. He's tops, dark, tall and very very very ditto thirty times cute or should I say handsome. He might be my future husband.

October 4, 1981

Dear Diary,

I got me some nice Gloria Vanderbilts friday. I will wear them Monday. I asked my mom about going to the homecoming dance and she talking about chaperones and shit. I won't go. I don't want my mom there!

K.L. and I cut 1st and 3rd period together and hung out. I had so much fun, he came to my locker with me and then we just hung out where the cutters hang.

December 27, 1981

Dear Dairy,

Oh wow I met today the finest boy I've ever seen. I mean it, I told him he was fine, couldn't help it. He's a 10,000 in my book. Fine beyond comparision. He's a transfer. I saw him in the hall and he saw me too. He walked up beside me and his hand brushed my thigh and I thought I had an orgasm. We stood at the lockers talking and when he left he said so sexy "Bye Pam" Whew!

January 3, 1982

Dear Diary,

today I went to see Switch and The Barkays at the skating rink. I had a ball. There were so many fine boys it was pitiful. Tomorrow I"m spending the night over P. house and that should be fun. We've changed our names and adopted celebrity names. Mine is Walanda and Her's is Monique.

So people - do you see a reoccuring theme?! Good Grief! I'll see about posting some more entries from other periods of my life - I've had fun reaching back.

Sunshine Monologue 185

2006-04-14T09:51:00.000-05:00

Mental Exercise Friday

Blog Musical Mood: Chante's Got A Man - Chante Moore

Happy Good Friday for those that subscribe to Christian Doctrine. Traffic was a beeze today - to those of us that....don't. Professor GQ has been badgering us with his deep thought process lately and I decided to wait a minute before I weighed in on these questions. Well today is the day I give this some thought. Enjoy and have a good weekend!!!!!!!

If you were to be the opposite sex for one day, what would you do? Um - I got four words for you I GOT A PENIS! Man oh Man, I would spend half the day watching, touching and making that bad boy react. What an intriguing piece of machinery. So what as a woman I can have babies - this thing is wayyy more fun. (Channelling The Nutty Profession) SPANDEX! I WANT SPANDEX! I want to put in in some boxers, some boxer/briefs. I want to hunch the bed with it, I want to stand around and grip it - after blowing half the damn day fascinated with my dick, I would then go out and mingle with the ladies. I want to see exactly what possess a woman to just drop the drawers and ride the pony. I know that most of us have equakequake fault deep denial about our issues - but I would love to see it through a man's eyes - cause I got a sneaky suspicion, he got our number, lol

If you had to name the most difficult thing about being a teenager today what would it be?The inability of our parents to parent thus leaving way to much pressure and to many decisions on a group of children who were born LOST. They can't figure out their way and all of their beacons are off doing their own thing.

If you had to name the most embarassing moment of your life, when was it?Well I already spoke about pulling my skirt down in front of the Bell South dudes - but of course I have more. How about - trying to impress a boy and slipping and falling and actually sliding down the walkway ending up in between his legs. Damn those tight ass Jordache jeans and Candi Heels. Well we did go to the prom together, lol - or when I first had my eventual husband visit our family home - I fell down the front steps in a heap at his feet. My Pops was like "Don't mind her - she falls all the time" LOL LOL

If you could have a lifetime 50 percent discount in any single store at your local mall, which store would it be in? Macy's but in reality I would like this discount to be at the VALUE VILLAGE THRIFT STORE - keep it real!

If you could spend New Years Eve doing anythign, what would you do and with whom?I would like to be standing someplace where the sun coming up was about as close to God as you could possibly get - holding LA'S Finest Hand and then we would make love up there and reach total nirvana

If you could have one person you have lost touch with call you up tonite and invite you to dinner, who woudl you want it to be? My childhood friend Patricia. I still miss her!

If you have to name the best music album ever recorded, which would you select? from my generation it's a tie - Sign of the Times and Baduism - just SPECIAL, however, The Michael Jackson Catalogue transends time, space, energy and sanity. Bury me with my Mike Music.

AND PROFESSOR GQ JUST KEEPS GOING AND GOING......

Hello My Name IsPamela Muhammad aka pammiepie aka pamalicious aka Mariah/Beyonce/Eva

I Was Raised InBorn in Ohio, Young Years in Atlanta, Early Adult in Philly/NY/NJ, The Emancipation Atlanta

The Reason You Are Reading This is because I always find these downloads about self intriguing

Right Now, I'm working on..The mess at my gig, this blog, my homework

the first thing I do in the morning isRoll over and kiss LA's Finest on whatever body part I can find

the last thing I do at night isSnuggle up and kiss LA's Finest on whatever body part I can find

My Momma Always saidA whole plethora of stuff you can also know at www.shahrazadali.com knock yourself out.

I Love It When Peopledecide to take a journey and sidestep all the things that make the journey real - what magic the mind holds to convince us of our greatness, lol

I hate it when peopledecide they are of some importance to me and the world and it's obvious they are not!

If you ever see me walking down the street ask me aboutHow it feels to be celebrity, lol

My notable run in with the law Involved me getting pulled over for having expired philly plates here in atlanta. As the officer reaches the car and I roll the window down Mini-me who was three and a half at the time yells OH HELL WE GOING TO JAIL and begins to sing the theme from Cops at the top of her lungs - he let me take her ass on home, lol

This One Time At Camp We had the nastinest camp counselor who always changed her panties in front of us and then would do naked yoga and one time we saw her tampon string - EWWWW especially when you 10

Yo, You see this scar, I got this when IFell on a coke bottle playing touch football with the fellas

the last time I swore I'd never drink again was after a night of.. Drunk Karoke when I was so drunk I fell asleep on the couch being filmed because they kept putting on Michael Jackson and I would wake wide up and get on the mike,sing and then go back into my drunken stupor

Future ProjectsGetting Mini-me healed, passing this course, getting the house painted, loving LA's Finest in new and exciting ways, Bringing in my 40th Birthday CRUNK and witnessing the birth of my bestest friends bundle of joy!

Giving a Shout Out to: EVERYONE WHO READS, RESPONDS, LURKS, HATES AND EVERYONE IN BETWEEN!!

Sunshine Monologue 184

2006-04-12T07:44:00.000-05:00

HMMMMMMMMMMM

For some reason, I like this picture. I have this look on my face that I can't identify. I get clowned by alot of folks because me and my family take ALOT of pictures! We will pull a camera out in a minute. Those that are bereft of their own identity say we are attention seekers - I say we are chroniclers of our life in pictures. It adds depth to our fabric and it speaks to our souls.

What's up?! Mini-me finally got a referral so let's see now can we get an appt. I had a revelation that I could get to work at 7:30am as asked if...I just had to come in the dining/office, lol lol. I was up and stayed up and got some work done. The pollen induced conjunctivitis is doing alot better, I won't have to pluck my eye out.

I have SO NOT BEEN FEELING LIKE I'M PERSERVING MY SEXY!! Yet apparently my sexy is way more than my looks (which I've always known) because LA's Finest seeing me raw and uncut like I've been lately - seems to be turning him on. Reminds me of Maya Angelou's "Phenonomal Woman" it's the subtle stuff that makes you sexy - not your hair and nails being done.....So though, I'm about to get back up on my game - I feel good...cause I am not defined by my exterior - but embraced and loved for WHO I AM, the Sway in my hips, the gleam in my eyes, the silliness of my laugh - yea it's like that.

Funny that Hassan spoke about his turning 35 and the personal ramifications of this because I am 52 days away from the big 4-0! It has been on my mind for reasons similar to his. I never have had a...plan. I have just floated along this river of life - hopping off my raft to do this and do that. I wonder if living like that has served me well, am I going to hit 40 and have some kinda panic attack about the meaning of life, my life. I'm getting 'old in the tooth' as my momma says and though I have alot of irons in the fire - are any of them getting heat? Will my next 40 years be the ones that define me? I am starting to think that my first 40 might be chalked up to being WACK. Damn! Ok, Ok - I am not going there - breathe....

Ya'll know that I am a believer in the concept that you make a decision to love and I still hold to that notion, however, I am starting to ponder that there might be a bit of 'falling' in the mix as well. Why? because I am feeling it. I keep having this vibe that I am plowing deeper and deeper, my heart keeps fluttering and skipping beats. What in the hell?! Conversations bring new things to ponder and appreciate. I bounce back in between fear and estacy at the whole thing. We are in the process of trying to literally consume one another. As petals on our flower open and new things are discovered, I keep tumbling. I will now (after Janet began a conversation with ok first, what has LA's Finest done now) contain my thoughts to here and my personal diary. I guess folks are officially tired of me, lol. Seeing as he is gushing still, I wonder when folks will start giving him the 'uh okay you in love - good for you - stop telling us about it' look. I still am a bit baffled why happiness is still suppose to be a measured emotion, but sadness/drama/strife has no time limit....

I also have reaffirmed something else - when the relationship is not founded on sex, the discovery of how good sex can be is FANTASTIC! I don't dwell here often, but we been getting DOWN!! **giggle** **giggle** Reason One Million why I love being a GROWN ASS WOMAN! Bro been exercising his right to be a GROWN ASS MAN and it's looking JOOD (which is better than good). Queue up Busta Rhymes new one Touch It- the original and peep those lyrics, lol

And as we started, got me ringing her bell (Uh huh)
When I come I be doin it and doin it well (Uh huh)
Then I beat up the coochie and be makin it swell
Tryin to hide the smell of the sex, spraying on the Chanel (TURN IT UP!)
THEN THEY TRY TO WALK WITH A STRUT SO NO ONE COULD TELL
HOW A NIGGA GOT IN THEY BUTT, MADE EVERYTHING GEL (Come on)
CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THE KID I PUT HER UNDER MY SPELL

AND I'M O-U-T!!

Sunshine Monologue 183

2006-04-11T14:04:00.000-05:00

Stay In My Corner

Paging Dr. Kildare - good grief, so Mini-me has a soft tissue sprain and I am fighting the HMO system to get a referral in a timely manner so she can go to the Orthopedic Doctor and we can get some direction and therapy and she can get back in the mix. It's starting to go down a bit, but is still painful and stiff. I guess because I have an HMO which apparently is one step up from being uninsured, things can wait. This is a child and I'm about to...go...off.

I Got My Eye On You - chillin with La's Finest last evening and I feel like my eye was itching - by midnight all hell has broken loose. Swollen, ugly, mucousy and all of that! What in the world! I take my own self to the Dr. this morning and I have some kinda bacteria and one eyed aversion to pollen, so I'm doing $35 drops four times a day till Thursday when I go back to see him.

Get the paddles STAT - My money is on LIFE SUPPORT! All this out the box expense is something my money can't handle and it's having an allergic reaction. I have been in the hole before and I'll get out again, but I wanna get back on track quick so that I can plan my birthday party - hell as of today it's looking like it's going to be right here at my house - I wonder how much it would cost to get some tents and really have it here in my front yard. Hmmmmmmmmm.......

I Got BlueBalls and they hurt - the mindfuck that is 'highschool' has resulted in not one orgasm lately and therefore I must go ahead and get myself off. I am coming to realize as I coast into forty that I really don't care about how you (1) Raise your child (2) Practice your religion (3) convince yourself you are gonna make it to heaven, so after awhile adults continuously talking about how on the money they are, especially from an internet skewed point of view eventually makes my head hurt. Time to **Read Only** making it into a tabloid is much more interesting.

Behind the Green Door - We stood at the door, we've leaned against the doorbell by accident, we've even peeked inside while others went in; Last night we held each others hand and went in...and neither one of us dropped the others hand - intense, personal, mindblowing...Whew!

If I don't get motivated to get caught up on my school work - I am going to scream!

Sunset Monologue 177

2006-04-09T21:22:00.000-05:00

Busted Knees and ROI's

Blog Musical Mood: I'm Bossy - Kelis

Evening Dude and Dudettes! Sitting here chillin in my unmentionables listening to some music. Decided to bless yah with a double dose....

So we went to the Dogwood Festival at Piedmont park. The weather PERFECT! It was packed! We walked around looking at the art, moving out the way of the dogs and doing some major people watching. Seeing as this was Piedmont Park - all men were suspect and unless I saw them openly tongue kissing a female - this was the crowd to ascertain who was most fabulous, lol. So many muscle shirts, so many bare chests - my back tooth is still twinging a bit from all that sweetness, lol. However, my celebrity meter did go off and who was standing in the Gyro line but...Ralph Tresvant and his family! I looked for awhile, but decided not to snap any portraits with my phone or anything because I understand, with me myself being celebrity (mariah, Beyonce or Eva on any given day)and dating the CEO of Rock-On Entertaiment, that he was out with family and that would make me a FAN and not an Equal, so I didn't bother him. (it's alright I get my prescription tomorrow, lol)

We chillin on the big field and Mini-me and her friend are partaking of the kid stuff when after a bike ride around an obstacle course - Mini-me decides to Limbo under the rope outlining the course. POP! went her leg DOWN! went Mini-me and the day was officially over. Park paramedics arrived on the scene and after we got her calmed down and rolled over ascertained her leg was not broken and her knee not dislocated. We got her up and through MUCH FEMALE 12 YEAR OLD ZERO TOLERANCE FOR PAIN DRAMA - made a slowwwwww procession back to the car. So now she's laid up on Motrin with an ice pack. It is quite swollen, but she put some weight on it. Tomorrow I may still take her to the Dr. to make sure this is just a slight sprain. OUCH!! My poor baby! however, the consensus was that, welcome to your future in...cheerleading!

As I sat on the field in the bright sun looking at the people - I missed LA's Finest (he had to work) yet there was this great feeling of 'having' instead of 'wanting' that felt...good. I sat there and thought about the fact that I was being placed in a very interesting situation in my own life. I was taught that you are not responsible before knowledge, meaning until you KNOW you aren't responsible, after you know, you are making conscious decisions. Well now I have a commplete picture of what type of man I would like. I got the last puzzle piece and so now I have a PROTOTYPE and that's kinda scary. Will that impede me because forever I will be looking for this particular grouping of man?

I also thought about the gamble we take in life about everything but in particular dating. Because it is a gamble and all about your ROI (Return On Investment). I think the hardest part is getting the proper dossier in place to make a sound decision on whether or not we should invest. I know I've invested before in my lifetime to NO RETURNS, and I'm sure alot of us have. I think I've accepted the fact that I was lying to myself about the fear - but I got HEART because on some level, I think I had closed my porfolio and I was just going to look back at past investments and live off of the 'interest', as I looked over new stock and new opportunities, the market was slim - but then..LA's Finest and I met and though I was (and still am) a much more sane and cautious investor, there was something about Him that made me speak with my Broker and say "God - there is a light in his eye and a fire in his speech maybe I should put a little bit here - what do you think?" He relaxed my heart and so I've decided to invest once again. Not all my chips like I used to do, with no sign of prosper, but a little bit and it's already producing returns - I feel like you stand at that long craps table and you hold those dice and you roll them around and blow on them and then you look at your chips and at some point, you just got to let those bad boys.....go. Yea you very well might crap out, but sometimes you get you a nice little return and maybe just maybe if all the stars line up right and the wind is just so....you just might hit the JACKPOT!

The most infuriating thing about life (and everyone can attest that this is one of my faults) is that I can't figure out what's going to happen next and letting it take it's course represents to much unknown to me, but life itself and the journey is so intriguing to me, that even though I fight it tooth and nail - I get a painful pleasure out of letting it unfold. So I ain't gonna lie, LA's Finest is in enemy territory right now and bullets are flying everywhere and it seems as if he has a orange target on his back, but I've decided to invest anyway - I think the Return on my Investment might just be what I've been looking for.

Sunshine Monologue 182

2006-04-09T10:35:00.000-05:00

Easy Like Sunday Morning

Blog Musical Mood: Zoom - Commodores

The clarity I see in the sky this morning can only be inspired by God. It is crisp, clear, slightly cool but a beautiful Sunday I tell you! How ya'll doing?! I know, I know - a sista been ghost for a minute. I think this is the longest I have not blessed the blog with some of my words. I actually have just been so caught up in living the Emancipation that I haven't been able to record it, lol.

Spring Break 2006 is officially entering the closing ceremonies! Mini-me has Skated, bowled, shopped, climbed Stone Mountain and today I am taking her and a friend to the Dogwood Festival. I really just feel like walking in the park and breathing deep and clearing my head. I've spent money this week and though I do feel 'bad' that I couldn't pull off anything grand for she and I to do together - she is still a recipient of the "I'm Blessed" award, so I'm okay with it.

I had a Spring Break of sorts myself, with the arrival of one of my Brothers (Ya'll know I have seven Brothers and Seven Sisters right?) He is two years younger than me and during the formative late teen years was my bestest brother,lol. He came in from Texas on Thursday Afternoon and we had a wonderful visit. Nah it wasn't a flossing one but it was cool. Janet and JD came over and I pulled together a party in 30 minutes, lol Racheal Raye would have been proud, lol. We had a good time!

Ronnie, Rickey, Mike, Ralph,Johnny and BOBBY! - HERE I COME!!! May 19th! Ya'll be on the look out in your town. New Edition with special guest K-ci and Jo Jo and Ginuine...should be a hellva good time!

Well La's Finest and I out of the love tunnel and now just traveling along the countryside. Things are blossoming and going at a nice pace. There is enough reality of the 'ghetto' intertwined among the nice trees and spring lillies to keep it real. Major Developments: (1) I went to have lunch with him at his job (2) He turned in his internet playa card! (me and him on his BP page WOW!) and (3) There's a Key on my nightstand to his abode. All of that however is trumped by a piece of notebook paper that said:

Ms. Pam - I'm glad you're with my daddy, he is a good man - Love La's Finest Little One - age 5

I still haven't fully digested the ramifications of that. I am a little overwelmed by it all.

It made me realize how close to the vest I have kept my own heart. The mechanisms I've carefully put in place and wrapped in cool words and an overabundance of personality. I didn't realize how 'tired' I was, until I finally had an opportunity to 'rest'. I am seeing visions of things that just might not be fantasy, the visions suck the breath away from me because I didn't know I had them.

I am ashamed to an extent to say that so much of this is...foreign to me, this kind of realness, this kind of selfishnessless, this kind of openness, this kind of emotion, this kind of fearlessness, this kind of man - and here I am thinking I'm the one who has NOT had fear, lol Isn't that the joke of the year.

For the second time in my life - I have discovered my 'voice' and so if this doesn't go a minute farther - THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL THANG!

Sunset Monologue 175

2006-04-04T18:58:00.000-05:00

The Photo Booth

Remember the Photo Booths? They had them at the mall (still do) and the game room and you and your friends or you and your beau would get in them and take all those crazy pictures - reminds me of "The Ink Well" Well I wanted to make that memory come to life....Enjoy!

Sunshine Monologue 181

2006-04-04T08:40:00.000-05:00

Bullets Are Flying

Blog Musical Mood: Summertime - Will Smith

Mannnnn - been having internet problems at home and haven't been able to check in wit my peeps!! How are ya'll doing? Are you wearing your surgical masks to block the pollen? DAMN!! I think I should rinse my car daily. Everyone has weighed in on their weekend and here comes my as on straight CP time,lol lol I got something cooking for next week however - so ya'll make sure you stay tuned. Well let me go ahead and pull back the trigger on this bad boy and drop these little Bullets of info on yah!

Georgia - All The Time in Georgia! Mini-me and I went to see ATL this weekend. I ain't gonna lie - I really liked this movie!! It was a coming of age story and another angle on teenagers life. Seeing as I am stuck on my own childhood - it made me think about being a bit more open to the rest of the story and that I too, can sometimes be accused of stereotyping the youth.

T.I. did a VERY good job and Big Boi really has me anticipating him and Andre's movie - he was some good comic/gangsta relief.

The story flowed, it was not inappropriate for my daughter and though I was never really convinced T.I was skating, lol I had a good time at the rink.

T.I. is not bad looking, a little ok ALOT too skinny for my taste - he all baggie in the wife beater, lol (which I've termed a Girl Smacker,) but there were shots where he endeared himself to you. Esquire on the other hand - YUMMY and ripe for some cradle robbing!!

I had read here in the locals that the movie was long and.....boring - that speaks directly to the fact that secretly they (and I don't use quotations because Sonya Murray is black) want to see the kids act a damn fool and I truly think there was some kinda disappointment that....they....didn't.

I saw it with a black audience at 4:30 on a Sunday and there was no trouble at all - everyone seemed to enjoy the movie - and yes the cops were outside the door. Not just the theatre but right outside the door.

I enjoyed Roll Bounce and I enjoyed this - I actually would buy it.

Spring has inspired some....cleaning. I went through my closets this weekend as part of my declutter plan. My entire porch was almost filled with hefty bags YET when you walk in my home, it sure didn't look like I had did anything. Cleaning out the spots that people don't see always leaves you a bit unfulfilled, lol. Yet you know you threw away a ton of shit. Next Up before the month is out: (1) Kitchen Cabinets (2) Home Office (3) Night Stands and cabinet in Bedroom and (4) switching out clothes. I got a full plate on my quest to just get rid of some stuff.

Looks like my Brother is coming to town to celebrate his birthday! He'll get her Thursday afternoon. I haven't kicked it with him in awhile so this should be fun!! and LA Finest gets to meet some of my family

I was giving Mini-me some money to go skating this morning and why is the only picture in her wallet of her in FULL princess get up from her 9th or 10th birthday party! LOL LOL LOL I loves me some Mini-me

Lo and Behold - I have lost some weight! Just in time for my Drs. Appointment tomorrow. I know that this flies in the face of every independently thinking blackwoman - but I'm not ashamed to admit that having a man has certainly gotten me back on point with alot of stuff. We always try to act like he just a dick and a job - but if you honest that you want one for real - then they do bring some balance to your life and give you some new things to put on your agenda like putting down the mac and cheese, lol lol and walah you look better, you feel better!!! OH YEA!! Summer of 2006 - ya'll gonna have to tie me down!!

Well guess who is kinda sorta 'dating' someone? Mobetta. He knows all about LA's Finest (cause I don't play those games)and is happy that I am happy. Speaking of the Ex's.....Why did Italy cop a 'tude' NEGRO PLEASE!! Um, excuse me - could you all move out the way cause he's being regulated to the cheap seats!

You know in thinking about La's Finest and I, there is something I am getting used to - this Brother is very comfortable with wanting to be with me. Since he told me he had shut down other prospective sistas and wanted to get exclusive with me - he's been doing just that. I'm introduced as his girl/woman, folks know about me, his momma, his brother, his kids, his job. He's not afraid to begin and end each phone call or encounter with I love you - at first I found this unnerving just because it has been for the most part foreign to me - but I'm warming up to it quickly. It's funny how the 'benefit' to having him in my life and the significance in my own journey is crystal clear. Our time together is wonderful, each day more of our personalities come out and we are learning more and more about each other and it's not a chore at all. We had the best time talking and laughing last evening while cleaning out his car. I think we are filling a needed spot in each others lives. The balance that we have and the subtle needs we are having met are the things 'till death do us part' are made of....

This also is presenting a journey for Mini-me and I. I'm keeping the lines of communication open and making sure that she is comfortable, balanced and settled in me embarking on this relationship. The last relationship she's been involved in was well over a year ago. She's spoken to me and even had a breakdown of sorts about something that I NEVER thought I'd be exploring but something every parent encounters. We got it all straightened out and things are back to normal - but my radar is definately up. I made sure she knew that I have worked diligently at making sure that she was not exposed to people, places or things that would affect her negatively and that I am still practicing that. I told her that her happiness is paramount in my life and will always be - and that I love and care for this man and he loves and cares for me......and her and we will work to continue to make sure she and his daughters are comfortable as we progress in our relationship. We've spoken about her minimal exposure to men (she brought it up in saying that her Grandmother mentioned it) and I explained to her that I think I have made sound sound decisions about who I expose her to and that I wouldn't expose her to any man that was not contributing to our happiness. Her home has never been filled with drama and chaos and never will be. I explained that even if at some point he and I don't work anymore - this has already been a pivital and good experience for all of us.

Life......Exciting Ain't It?!

Sunshine Monologue 180

2006-03-30T12:39:00.000-05:00

To The Left....Slide

Blog Musical Mood: Fly Like A Bird - Mariah Carey

I'm so glad they decided to release that song as a single. I loved it the first time I heard the CD! So what's up peeps?! Another day, another dollar pissed away. Everybody doing ok in their neck of the woods? Everythang is quite breezy in my neck of the woods. Working my 'Corporate' today - we have huge meetings today and tomorrow - I'm shady at best up in here, but I know how to MEET, lol.

My mind has been awhirl and a swirl with this whole Relationship thing. Nothing negative, but just thinking of how as a single person - there is a shift to get into this modi operandi, especially if it's going well. The following concepts have been floating around in my head.

Yes I can Share

Let's be honest, most single folks are pretty well set up, especially if they have been out here working etc., but by the same token, alot of us are also set in our ways and as each day goes by and we remain mateless, these things begin to take on whole new meanings. You have to learn to play nice and share, lol The first thing that comes up - the remote! You know being single, you got all your shows bookmarked and set up and if you are female for the most part the following stations are NOT in the line up: ESPN, ESPN ZONE, etc. etc. just like at his house The Food Network might not be either. As you watch a person enter your space, you get nervous "they touching...my shit!" eventually (well hopefully) it subsides - but that foray from 'it's all MINE' to 'I gotta share' can be a big adjustment.

Cocooning

The development of relationships has you adjusting something very important...your time. Budding relationships take up alot of it, you really do just want to sit around breathing each other in. You go into this cocoon that usually lasts for about three months - at which time, everything takes the back burner. Good friends, understand this and back off, lol. Like now, my friend are starting to peep out the woodwork and be like "Hey you wanna...?" It's good to go into the cocoon - but always keep your individuality intact, it makes the dips back into the cocoon once the relationship gets to coasting that much better. Your friends will be counting on you to disengage yourself and rejoin the living, lol

High Maintenance

The days when you come home, put on some raggedy PJ's and park it might be over. You no longer can wear your coke bottle glasses, your retainer, your moustache wax, or sit and clip your toenails on the couch. You are in a relationship. I looked at my lounge/sleep wear and it is PITIFUL!! I gotta overhaul most of it. It's amazing how much straightening up I've been doing, lol. No longer are my clothes piled on the bed till Saturday Morning, lol Bras are put up, Hell Bras and panties are now matching, lol The thing is - I never realized how much I had let get a bit shall we say 'comfortable' - it's just something that happens. I also feel the need to straighten up my damn house - the clutter has gotten ridiculous. I have mapped out a couple of projects - I think I need a storage facility, lol

The Secret Society of Singledom

Whew - I was looking through my night stand the other day and it dawned on me, I had old numbers and all kinds of 'spoils' of dating in that drawer. It made me think, hmmm as we get closer and closer, I need to start purging. The biggest obstacle in alot of relationships - that damn computer! Where do you begin on that thing. My stuff is pretty streamline now, because I had been working on that one for awhile, but I know people, I interact with people and I would hope I wouldn't have to stop. My ass ain't out there so that should be fine - - the funny thing is I have been needing to purge - and this certainly is a good excuse. I already trimmed my IM list, my cell phone has been trimmed as well. Another thing you have to do is update your freak kits. Nothing worse than recycling old freak kits. Your relationship deserves NEW stuff people!!! Don't be skank! Hell, your relationship may spark you to want new personal me time stuff. Because no relationship should make you give up personal me time activities. That's your time to connect with you, lol So no, you don't have to go over your stuff with a fine tooth comb - because life isn't like that and it's not about hiding, it's about...moving on, but you might wanna pack up or get rid of those numbers you scored at the club and just threw in your nightstand, lol lol If for no other reason than they taking up space!

Us to....WE
"Hey we need to just jump in the car and take a jaunt to Houston to see NE girl" "Yea that would be cool" "Um you have a man now..." SCREECH! Hold up wait a minute! Hmmm - that's a concept that takes some getting used to,lol You get VERY used to operating in a tunnel and a solo tunnel at that. Taking someone else into consideration is a big thing. Now I know there are necks starting to move at this notion, especially given the example, but if you are trying to make a relationship work - you need to consider your mate. This isn't about asking permission, this is being open and accountable to your mate. You dont want him calling and saying "Hey I'm going to Carnival in Brazil with the boyz - be back next week" WTF?!

The Peanut Gallery
You know who they are? They end sentences with "I hope ya'll work out" or "Hmmm, you sure are spending alot of time together" or "well now, he's spending.the night." or "How long have ya'll been dating?" add that to every discusssion group, everyone who think they know the right way it should go, all the women's magazines and you have....chaos! Everybody got something to say about what you doing, how fast you doing it, what they would do. I am guilty of it as well, lol - Funny how this was one of the things that made my eyebrow go up in terms of LA's Finest - he said "Don't let folks rent space in your head, you will have no room to think." I used to run a Apartment complex up in this bad boy. The peanut gallery is not all bad - but as much as I hate to use this saying, relationships are a good case of DO YOU. Even if they turn out messed up, you have to your own journey.

So now add all of that with things such as: "Um, this is my child" "You spent What on that pair of shoes?" "Man I tell you, he was just calling to say what's up?" and all the other stuff and your freaking plate is FULL! Now of course this is a female perspective of it - I'm sure men have their own things as well.

What I do know, is that on paper relationships look all dewey and glowing and alot of sistas got pages and pages of words about how they want to find that love everlasting - but are you REALLY READY?! Some folks can't get off the single train, some folks figure out that in order to clean out their closet and by the time they did - they will be to old to hook up,lol So to end with another oldie but goodie - BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR! Cause really if you are not ready - then leave it alone.

Sunshine Monologue 179

2006-03-28T12:05:00.000-05:00

La La La La La Means.....

Blog Musical Mood: God - Prince

Is this blog boring you? Is it and life more interesting when there is strife either real or imaginary? Sometimes I find in my life that the ears are glued to me when I am analyzing and expounding new found wisdom in hopes that some of it will bring about change in my life. I have friends who are only interested in the story that begins with 'well we broke up' and are attentive until the story begins 'I met a real cool brother'. Is life itself boring when there is no drama? How do we begin to look at regular cruise control life as exciting as well?

How ya'll doing?! I hope ya'll are well. Spring started on the 21st - on paper that is and we Spring Forward on Sunday. Can you believe that?! This means it will stay lighter longer in the evenings affording us more time to get the damn thing done!!

Well I have a few overarching updates so let me get em going....

On Bended Knee - LA's Finest looked so nice in the suit. He had told me he wanted to talk to me about something and I wanted to know before he left for Church. I'm sitting there and this Brother looks at me and gets....on...bended...knee. Now believe you me, my heart started pounding because I was frantically trying to formulate the softest decline ever - you know something like "Baby this is beautiful, but why don't we continue to talk and continue to vibe and revisit this in a couple more months - in the meantime let's put it in the glass case so that we can remember " I guess he saw me looking crazy, lol cause what he did was confirm his love and then formally ask me to be his lady. I can't remember that happening to me in my adult life. I think the last time I was actually asked which meant a man was making a verbal commitment to me it involved notebook paper and "Will You Go With Me?" YES NO MAYBE. Wow a Platinum LA'S Finest Membership Card - .....I got the clock!

The Flying A's - Yes Mini-me made the squad...two weeks of intensive training and tryouts. $500 they want! Alrightyy then! She's excited. I'm excited and now my fall/winter is booked!

I see a new video game off in the horizon.......Cobb Vs Dekalb..fight for the county residence!!

A sentence foreign to my ears......You have a man now.......hmmm - interesting how that affects your life and decisions and.....range of motion.

I had an epiphany who LA'S FINEST reminds me of - there was something about his character, something about his vibe, something about his peace that has been so comforting to me and then it dawned on me...my stepfather!! That's a beautiful thang - having men in my life to use as litmus for myself.

Sending flowers to his job as proclamation that I'm in the house! Don't you love it?!

LITTLE VOICES...how are you?....you like my daddy?...BIG VOICES...How are you mam? Mam you have a wonderful son.....I know I do, he's a good man...hope to meet you....soon....

The comfort of ordinary everyday things - - flowing at an even pace - - progression of healthy - - rediscovering how to share because the remote...belongs..to..me, lol

Backpack to dufflebag......nighttime to dinnertime....I need to start removing clutter from the Castle - three washclothes - ain't that special? LOL

10 weeks in school ya'll! Just finished my second class and beginning the next one today. Financial Aid being quite shady in disbursement so I'm scrambling to get book money up etc. but I'm keeping it going. I will do this!! It's an example I need to set for my child and it's an accomplishment I need to do for myself.

Like the easy entry of spring time in the ATL - my life is just a blossoming and this time, I feel quite relaxed on the receiving end of the blessing.

Sunset Monologue 174

2006-03-24T20:54:00.000-05:00

What In The....

Blog Musical Mood: You Put A Move On My Heart - Tamia

Ok, Ya'll I've officially lost it! I decided to spend some time with Mini-me celebrating her making the cheerleading squad. Dinner and a movie were on the agenda. We decided to go see Madea's because she has been whining about everybody don seen Madea and I want to know what it's about. I had asked around and they said it was ok to take her - so we went.

I'm not a big fan of Madea - that first movie sucked. However, I apparently was in another time zone when I saw that one - because what I am about to tell you has shook me to the very core.....

Why in three levels of hell did I cry through the entire second half of that movie!?! Specifically the love story between Boris and that girl. I'm talking about welling up and overflowing and then bawling! Mini-Me holding my freaking hand!!

Why was that whole thing (well not her circumstances but the blossoming of love) hitting me like a ton of oranges in a bag?! I AM TRIPPIN!

By the time they got to the wedding and I heard those vows (I was NOT delirious enough not to notice that HOT MESS of a Wedding however!) I was incoherant! That hit home and resonated so passionately in my heart and soul.

I had been kinda saying I needed to release and this was it my friends. What in Sam Hill has this man done to me?1 I haven't known him that long! How did he get here?! Ain't I too old for this?! I can't even talk to anyone about this! I told 'Janet' I cried and she asked was I PMS'ing, lol Hell I don't know - but my heart was beating so fast and I got the chills and it all just was speaking...to me.

When Cecily was telling about the love she had with her husband - I got faint. But the vows they exchanged - it was as if, I had projected myself onto the screen and it was I talking - where did THOSE words come from?! More importantly how did they bubble up...from me. I'm shaken ya'll. I really am. I am not a crier and I cetainly did not really think I was capable (or maybe I was denying myself the ability to be capable) of being moved on such a level by the subject of....love.

Ya'll need to talk to a sista. I'm going and lay down. Have a BLESSED WEEKEND!

Sunshine Monologue 178

2006-03-23T10:18:00.000-05:00

Puzzles, Legos and Lincoln Logs

Blog Musical Mood: Use Your Heart - SWV

Soo as I lay in bed last nite, I was thinking about life's journey and specifically a persons relationship journey and how they get to where ever they are in that journey. I think that relating to different people should provide us with an opportunity to gather 'puzzle pieces' because since no one is perfect - we should take away from each relationship SOMETHING that we want to keep in our pocket because everybody ain't so bad, you can't get something to add to your little pile.

I know for me - my journey has been more about self discovery than anything else. I was thrust into the world with a very strong father figure and having being taken care of emotionally - I knew off the bat that I wanted that to be in my life - the irony of that is that, being raised Muslim - my charge was to go forth and take care of the blackman. So basically I have spent alot of time....GIVING and GIVING while trying to figure out exactly what I wasn't getting. Because I didn't even know, seeing that I used GIVING as my RECEIVING. I derived pleasure from his happiness instead of requiring my own separate happiness.

I had to learn something that wasn't told to me in all my 'training' - in uptopia the clearly defined roles of men and women work - in hell.....they...don't. All people don't deserve the best of what you have to give just on GP. MOST don't, lol

I didn't really hit my stride actually until Mobetta. I gathered quite a few puzzle pieces from that relationship, yet there was a serious flaw and it took me a long time to realize it - even though the shell was right - the insides were not. If I am honest - that relationship drained me so much emotionally. I had to hold this man on my back so many times. Even after the 'relationship' had hit the skids - it became co-dependent and I was just beat down - it wasn't fun anymore did he even know or care about what I was going through?

I was able to add another piece to this puzzle in my next relationship, but I be damn if my own needs were starting to really bubble up. He provided alot of 'I'm into you' yet under pressure I was a......fat bitch (yea I know). I WILL NEVER let a man deplete me in this way! So I had to get rid of that...quickly. I don't do mental/emotional abuse!

So for the past year or so - I been dating and really, taking off layers of bullshit. I was quite conflicted in how to remain me - yet not be taken advantage of. I had not found the right...mixture I was looking for and I certainly had not found a man who was introspective enough to understand that in order to get his needs - he had to provide for some of mines. He had to WANT to even know mines - I don't run on automatic. I had begun to think I did, lol. I just fed off of myself and rejuvenated.

I spoke before about changing from Vanessa Bell to Shari Headly and that's real. I need a person who has space in them to fill up with me. Who can recognize that yes I give and I make men feel GOOD (and I dare one of em to say otherwise), But they need to be in tune to when I need to feel good. It's no longer about me getting him the water - (pop culture is a bitch) it's about him knowing when I'm thirsty (Lawd a White Men Can't Jump Reference, lol). I have put my foot down about that. Instead of being self motivated to GIVE - I need to be convinced it's worth it.

So now I meet LA's FINEST - he's an interesting creature to say the least. He's come with that elusive piece I've been seeking, Sure it's a bit haggard around the edges and the visual is a bit blurry - but when I put it in my relationship puzzle.....it fits. When you get this age, you got an idea about what will make you tick, you have enough relationships casual and otherwise to have an 'idea' of what would make you a good mate if that's what you seek. You have been around enough people to feed off of their good/bad/ugly. There are two things that keep us stuck - FEAR and Public Scrutiny and Criticism (which is another topic). We give alot of other things power over our lives - I've come to some understanding that LIFE is the proverbial baby - there is NEVER going to be a right time, you will NEVER have enough money and all the planning in the world will NOT GUARANTEE it will come out the way you want it to - but every minute of every day in some hospital, home, hut or otherwise - there is a mother looking at a new born baby with that far away look in her eyes - - that's how I am feeling right about now. I don carried and nutured this thing and lo and behold - it has birthed itself. Now ain't that some DEEP SHIT for a Thursday!

Sunshine Monologue 177

2006-03-22T11:17:00.000-05:00

Nothing Wrong With A Little Bump and Grind

Blog Musical Mood: 12 Play - R Kelly

I go downtown thinking we are just going to have dinner - and then he pulls out Two tickets to the R. Kelly concert at the Fox! OH YEA OH YEA OH YEA!!

Ok, you talking 360 from the Prince Show! It was like we were at a BBQ or something,lol Niggas just strolling around the fox - all the ghetto fabulous in attendance.

R Kelly looked like he was sitting at home and said "yo let's go to the fox and perform" LOL LOL LOL Old T-shirt and sweats, lol lol

He did quite a few songs and the ladies were hysterical most of the time, but I must say Brothas was feeling R as well.

He did this whole piece for "Feeling on Yo Booty" which was funny.

I didn't know he made so many references to drug use however. It was for some reason comical - the amount of sex he sings about and I knew this going in, so I don't know why hearing him sing about it and improvise and whistle and every other thing about sex was.....funny.

He did three chapters of Closet - while in a closet, lol He lipsynced however and it kinda took away from the whole thing.

The best part - was he just started playing music and dancing. You know it's cool to just see someone dancing like they were in the club - he knows all the latest dances and we all were jamming.

I still wanna know however, why he was $80 a pop It wasn't worth all that.

I had a bomb ass time - I can't believe two concerts in as many weeks. This Brother gonna make me wanna birth something! LOL LOL

As we were sitting in parking garage traffic, I discovered something else we liked doing together - - people watching. At first I was like 'he know he think that woman fine' but as we went about commenting, I was like - he got it down pat, lol lol I enjoy being social with him - he said he was going to get me more 'active' and I believe it.

You know you don't want to get wrapped up in calculating when certain things have been done for or afforded to you, but I can't help but think that these types of things are few and far between for me. Makes me wonder has it been the man.....or what they decided they would do....for me and what I....accepted.

You know at a certain age, you really don't need to know a person ENTIRE life story, there's alot that can be cliff noted, lol but you do need to know enough to ascertain more about their character, check for inconsistencies and just round that person out - because their past does have meaning. I'm finding it quite intriguing and interesting as we are entering the 'fill in the blanks' period of the relationship. Events and Happenings that make us who we are today. His life's journey is alot different than mine, but it actually makes me dig him more - it speaks ALOT about him, his hopes and dreams and why they are important to him. I actually feel quite 'sheltered' in my journey when it bumps up against his. I feel quite sheltered now, lol. He's definately an Alpha male and the things he's motivated about are not the things I'm motivated about - the things I'm motivated about are more subtle and I am concerned that because it is and not as HYPED as his - it might be construed that I don't have any. My life is just very laid back - it's how I've always lived - that's what I bring to the table - calmness, which is probably why I always go for the Alpha male, lol lol

So it's all good. I need a vacation on somebodies all inclusive beach - - but it's all good.

Sunset Monologue 173

2006-03-20T19:37:00.000-05:00

A Tisket A Tasket

Blog Musical Mood: Whateva Whateva - Jill Scott

Hey peeps! How's it hanging? I decided to take it back to some classic soul this evening for school, you know the Temps, Supremes etc. Can you believe I'm almost done with my second class. I'm pulling an 88 right now and this weekend is devoted to the final paper. I'm enjoying school - I wasn't as interactive this class as maybe I should have been in terms of the boards, but the book is great. I actually read some chapters that wern't assigned, lol.

So this is a mind dump sorta thing - enjoy...

Well AtlNEWbian is gone...she moved to Charlotte. Had to get out of a bad situation that was just not allowing her to grow or giving her any peace of mind. I hope I left her with some words of wisdom and that she finds a place to plant her feet firmly on the ground. Mini-me was really affected by them and enjoyed having them in our lives...as did I. I am actually a bit mad that it had to go down this way. However, having been in the 'defining your self worth' chapter myself many years back - I understand. We still miss her!

Well Spring is upon us, calendar wise anyway and I am almost done gathering the things I need to overhaul the house. I haven't changed out comforters, kitchen stuff etc. in two years and I'm tired of looking at this stuff. My Landlord has agreed to paint the entire house, my choice. So fresh paint will definately pick the place up. I so enjoy the home and decorating etc. I can't get off like I would like to, because I've run out of room and money - but I like a home that feels homey and is not just articles sat around for artistic sake. It feels good when, for instance, LA's Finest says he likes my decor and the way my home is laid out. I can't wait to do my thing. I need to find me some storage space however, we are definately running out of room in here

Spring also indicates that I gotta get my physical shit together. I can admit, I have totally tossed Diabetes care in the waste basket and that's one of the reasons I'm so tired. I intend to throw myself on the mercy of my Dr. and get back on track, before something funky happens and I only have myself to blame. I need to get back on my meds, I need to get back on my diet and I need to get OFF of my ass. Why is it so hard?

"I've fallen in love" there I said it. I had to whisper them a bit so they could gain strength and momentum to burst forth. No time for fear, no time for over analyzing, no time for mathematical equations - this feeling was not taking no for an answer....I am getting chills just allowing the feeling to come forth to write this entry. I have so much bubbled up inside of me and it's spilling out in all kinds of ways, from constant daydreaming, to smiling like I've lost my mind, to a single tear just appearing for no reason. Wow! for once I'm absent of words - totally unexpected, totally unrehearsed. Channeling my Negro Pop Culture - remember the scene in Boomerang when Halle and Robin were sitting on the couch and Robin was just gushing "OOOOO This Man" well there you have it. He's a man, he's focused, he's gentle, he's kind, he's giving, he's strong, he's handling his business, he's standing straight no crook in his back, he has morals, he has values, he has God, he is funny, he has street sensibilities and white collar credibility, and when he looks at me...everything else disappears.

"I Love You"..."I Love You Too" The words felt foreign to my ears and my heart. My heart was beating so fast - I thought I would have a heart attack - WE have fallen in love...

Sunset Monologue 172

2006-03-19T16:28:00.000-05:00

Baby I'm Back!

Hey Ya'll!! Well I finally have had an opportunity to get some blogging in. I hope everyone is doing well. I skimmed several blogs and have been,even though I haven't had time to write in my own and it looks like everythang is everything :) - I really miss when I don't blog or keep up with my fellow bloggers. This is quite addicting. So let me do the long post now and get it out of the way. Stay tuned for more - cause I'M BACK!!

Working Up A Black Sweat

Tamar Featuring Prince was the best $30 I've spent this year!!

Tamar tore it up! She reminded me a bit vocally of Fantasia, without all the yelling. She had legs TO DIE FOR! and my feet were hurting for that sista - her shoes were FIERCE.

She was accompanied by the Hubba Bubba Twins (they didn't quite make the Doublemint status) and those little frail girls were flinging that hair and doing background vocals proud.

Prince was of course doing his thang! He has mellowed and is obviously enjoying being in his mid-forties. He don't give a damn! You know as one the last great live performers who is still producing work (as opposed to just running through their catalogue) - he got down!! It was an old school party on the real!

There was a brother who LA's Finest and I have labeled the 'pick nigga' who's job was to just give him his guitars and provide the picks, lol. Now you know he getting much ass just for having that job, lol

The audience made the concert however. The Tabernacle is an old church and so the acoustics were excellent - it is very intimate and every place for the most part is a good seat. Before the concert the audience was involved dancing and what not and the cast of characters was hilarious - there was MARCHING BAND MAN, A COUPLE OF OLD STRIPPERS, and some other scary folks. The CHILDREN however disturbed me. There were two little girls at a midnite show about 9 and 11 or so - dancing on stage - provocatively and it just wasn't right and I was glad I wasn't the only one who was like it wasn't right. IF PRINCE SAID "this for grown folks - get you a babysitter" then what the hell does THAT say!? Audience Highlight: White boy we met in line singing 'Play That Funky Music White Boy' ON KEY w/Prince accompaning him oh and Tamar's man DARREN DEWITT making an appearance to dance.

I met Morris Day (as in Hi how you doing?) he was standing at the bar while I was walking by. Slight man (he's lost weight) and definately he's perserved his sexiness. No Jermome.

This was me and LA's Finest first foray into a social setting and it went over very well. Actually two fellow classmates from 'Highschool' met up with us and the four of us hung out for the evening. The absolute highlight of my entire evening: Before I sat down LA's Finest wiped my seat for me. (melting as I type this). To be able to experience this type of attention in my lifetime - ya'll just don't understand. but I digress....

All in all however, it was off the chain!!

You can NEVER FAIL WHEN PRINCE IS INVOLVED!!

BrokeBack Ballet

Now I got home at like 3:00 on Friday morning from the Concert. I'm tired but lately I've been just pushing the button on my life and that includes how much sleep I need. So Friday night, I'm sitting up at Ga Tech, watching the 'Ballethnic' yearly performance "Infinity" Believe it or not 'Janet's' mother was dancing in it. So of course I had to come out and support. 'Janet' is a bit over 4 1/2 months and is looking quite radiant. So I'm sitting there with her and mini-me and Lawd I didn't not know there would be so much homoerotic imagery! Blackmen need not do contemporary and classical dance, lol lol There was so much crotch grabbing, rubbing up against other men, acrobatics during men on men dance numbers it wasn't even funny. I mean serious dance numbers between two men and there were women in the troupe. That definately was something out the ordinary for me. It was good however and it was a perfect accompaniment to my week of Live performances.

Casuality of the Cell Phone

While at cheerleader tryouts Thursday - Miss Lady had her pocketbook gone into which was in her book bag and the cell phone stolen. Two cell phones were stolen that day - one was found in the toilet in the girls bathroom. The instruction was to place all of their stuff in a pile in the lockerroom.

I called the cell phone and the huzzy who took it answered. I immediately informed her that she was using stolen property and I wanted my child's phone back! She hung up of course and I went online to see about the minutes - because it is pre-paid - and it went from $25 to $3 in about two hours.

So the school says that though they allow kids to bring the phones - they are not responsible. So the phone is now temporarily off because it has ran out of minutes.

I accepted the lost and officially cut the phone off. My damn $59.99 just down the fucking drain (not to mention the $25 on the phone). Virgin mobile was very responsive to my call! They suspended the account and made the phone useless, the phone is now considered "stolen" in their records - so if someone tries to get it reactivated that won't work. They also were able to give me another one just like the one she had for $24.99 it will arrive Monday. She gets to keep her number and everything.

Well through dectective work (using the call logs) and my daughter making it known she was out to beat some ass - the cell phone magically appeared and was given to a teacher.

It had been reconfigured with the girls name and her numbers and she bought a ring tone and some other stuff.

So now the girl tells my daughter that she didn't know who's it was so she just took it home. My daughers name is on the phone, so that ain't the truth.

Now the cheerleading coach (who I'm not liking on GP but that's another story) still says that its not her responsiblity and I don't expect it to be. But if it has been proven that the phone was stolen - does this child not get any reprimand?

I'm going up there to talk to the principal and I'm talking to this girls mother because I want my $25 back that she spent on the phone calling Dial a Joke and what not. She used up the minutes and that needs to be reimbursed!!

Sunshine Monologue 176

2006-03-18T12:57:00.000-05:00

Almost Back To Full Speed

Hey people! I am almost back up to blogging speed. I have sooo much to talk about, so get ready for a flurry of stuff including but not limited to: Prince Concert, Brokeback Ballet, AtlNEWbian has left me, this thing called...love, the stolen cell phone, and alot more.....

Here's a quick picture to let ya'll know that a sista is doing A-ok, be back before the weekend is ova!!

Sunshine Monologue 175

2006-03-16T14:11:00.000-05:00

Waving at Ya'll

Blog Musical Mood: Sexy Motherfucka - Prince

Hey Peeps! I am here! I am alive! I am just busy! Ain't ya'll happy I'm busy, lol lol Above is a recent picture of me to tide you over - since this is the way I feel - like an old mountainside mule, lol lol Get off my back!

However, tonite is the Prince Concert and a sista WILL be lit for that! I'll start back blogging this weekend!

Peace!

Sunset Monologue 161

2006-03-13T16:50:00.000-05:00

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

Blog Musical Mood: Love TKO - Teddy Pendergrass

How important is your bed? Your bed is one of your history lines. It holds alot of history in it. It's a place where you go to relax, sleep, refresh, heal, and lets not forget, make love (whether it be with yourself or another, lol). Within the coils of your bed is an intricate part..of you.

Lately, I have been quite restless in my bed. I have been tossing and turning for awhile now. When I look to the Right of me - I just see a wide expanse of....bed. It's been that way a long time. A spot pristine from no steady body weight. Like alot of folks, I turned that side of the bed into a portable office/closet/bookcase and piled things over there, to hide from myself the lonliness of it being...empty. I decided to stop doing that when I started my journey - because I was embracing my life circumstance and there's nothing wrong with it being empty. However, recently -the span of the empty side of the bed has widened.

Maybe because it's been a minute, or maybe because I'm about to turn forty, but I long to have me a full time bed partner. I'm fustrated currently with going to bed and there's no one to you know exhale from the day with, have chitter chatter, spoon with, be cuddled by. It's funny how, at some point you do go through a period where the 'freedom' of singleness and having 'control' over say...your bed and who is in it - has this appeal, but then you lay down one day and catch a chill from that other side and are like What The Hell?!

So I hope that this feeling passes, and I'm not sure what brought it on, but lately I feel like I want to sleep....on the couch.

OH and Before I go....

Superstar Nic broke out the ABC Meme and so am I, lol

Accent- Hip Hop smoothed out on the R&B Tip

Booze of choice- Cranberry and Absolut

Chore I hate- All of them, they are a necessary evil

Dog or cat- Not an animal person

Essential electronics-Cell Phone, computer with high speed internet access, television with remote control and cable

Favorite perfume(s)/cologne(s) - Goddess and Haiku both by Avon

Gold or Silver? - Silver right now

Hometown- Atlanta, GA (Decatur)

Insomnia? – Nah not really

Job Title – Slave by the name of Millie - OK OK - Administrative Specialist

Kids- One 12 year old girl

Living Arrangement- With the 12 year old

Most admired trait - I'm just a beautiful person and I am a born counselor

Number of Sexual Partners- 10

Overnight Hospital Stays - when I was born and when mini-me was born

Phobia- snails, snakes, worms,

Quote- "You can't win - you can't break even and you can't get out of the game - people keep saying things are gonna change, but they look just like they staying the same!"

Religion-Islam

Siblings- 7 Brothers and 7 Sisters

Time I wake up- 6:15am

Unusual talent/skill- I know a little bit about everything

Vegetable I refuse to eat- Brussel Sprouts

Worst habit - ignoring the fact I have any bad habits, lol

X-rays- neck, back, teeth, kidneys,

Yummy foods I make- oxtails, chicken pot pie, chicken stew, curry chicken salad,

Zodiac sign- Gemini all day!

Sunset Monologue 160

2006-03-12T21:21:00.000-05:00

March Madness!

{Channeling Julie Andrews} The Hood is alive with....sunshine, black people, music, BBQ and then some! What a fabulous weekend! 79-81 degrees - in March. Too busy enjoying it to worry about it's significance towards the end of the world, lol. Thought I'd hop on a brief moment and get this out, before Flav does his thing.

I woke up on Saturday with the sunshine calling me! We got dressed and went and picked up AtlNEWbian and hit the streets. We went window shopping for the most part - while I put Mini-Me a spring summer bedroom on the layaway. She's doing butterflies complete with the canopy that hangs from the ceiling to capture all her magnificence,lol. I checked out Kohl's and they had to drag me out of there, lol They had so much on sale and the housewares department. It was painful, because I saw so much I wanted! I was rolling back up to the crib about 9 hours after I had departed. It was a good day

Now the perfect evening would have been curled up with LA's Finest - but right now he has to go make that scrilla - so I was flying solo. I decided to take advantage of the warm evening and the absence of mosquitoes and park myself on my porch, in the dark with just me, my music and a bottle of wine. My toes felt alive in the gentle breeze as I sat and just chilled. I thought about alot and nothing at all. Just relaxing my mind, body and soul. I drank the entire bottle of wine during my 'mediating'. The song that resonated in my mind that evening was Jill Scotts' Whatever, Whatever - that song is FRIGHTENINGLY BEAUTIFUL TO ME and the wine made it just that much so. It was SUCH a peaceful night.

Today brought even warmer weather but my peace was interrupted by my janky ass neighbor who insists on doing loud ass stuff early in the morning right beside my bedroom window. To be awaken not by say the soft lips of LA's Finest kissing me on the back of my neck, but by a damn CHAINSAW was not working! I got on up and stood out on my porch in my PJ's just inhaling and exhaling. It was a BBQ'ing kinda day! I started getting ready and after going and getting AtlNEWBIAN, I came on back to get the que started. Oh and yes they were having a car show in the grocery parking lot, lol The DECK is just like that. I wanted us all to jump up and down in the Hyundai so that we could ride through - but Mini-me would have needed therapy and I'd rather the money go towards her trying out for Cheerleading - so I refrained.

AtlNEWBIAN and I got the outside together and I came up with the perfect Sunshine in March drink: 1 bottle of Arbor Mist Cranberry, 1/2 bottle cranberry juice, 1 litre Frescha and two strong shots (so say 1 cup,lol) of coconut rum, put in some tom collins glasses, garnish with some fruit and let it rip, lol TASTEY! So we sat outside and drank our drinks, talking, playing UNO and just chillin.

The food was looking good - I qued and made the beans and corn and she brought me some Kale. I had never had it before (ya'll know I'm just kinda catching up on the greens thing).

I decided to lay out the table better than I usually do, but we still eating Japanese style up in this joint, lol It was EXCELLENT! and we enjoyed our food.

All weekend LA's Finest and I communicated. I so enjoy our whispered hushed conversations. We are both opening up more and sharing our pasts and hopes for our future. I wish we could just block out the world but there's no reality in that - so we press on. It's a nice feeling to know you aren't the only one sprung. He's a beautiful brother - I'm glad I met him - ya'll just allow me to grin ok?

All in all it was just a good weekend. Mini-me and I had alot peace up in this joint and I'm glad of that and feel blessed. The sunshine is such an important ingredient in our lives and I welcome it always.

Sunshine Monologue 174

2006-03-10T11:05:00.000-05:00

Fantastic Friday!

Blog Musical Mood: Home - Stepfanie Mills

WHEW! What a week!! If I say so myself, the blog has been on fire. I appreciate all the conversation and insight. Well anyway - of course with it being Friday, I'm not going to bog you down in rhetoric, lol I want you all to have a fabulous weekend. It's going to be quite nice weather wise and I intend to get out in it - there is a chicken in my freezer BEGGING to end up on the grill and I can't let it down. I see potato salad, baked beans, string beans and some other goodies and I might even see LA's Finest covered in BBQ sauce, lol But we shall see, lol

Some Television Fodder

America Next Top Model - I had to cut the TV down in order to not have my skin crawl from the sound of these broads bones rubbing together. They are extremely thin this season, but I love this show! I'll keep it in the mix definately. Besides Ms and Mr. Jay have taken their Fabulousness to all new levels!!

American Idol - I am so glad we are through with the weeks of getting to the good part. - We are down to 12 and three sisters made it. I actually like Taylor however, now I will begin to watch it.

Black/White - All the hype surrounding this show, of course, made me watch - They jury is still out for me. I am still in a quandry as to what I AM suppose to get out of this as a viewer. I did however, pull something - that one episode confirmed for me that the BLACKMAN'S experience here in America is one that no one will understand and it's possibly contrived to think that this white man will be able to 'experience' it As well as - he has found great freedom in finally being able to use the word Nigger. That spoke volumes. I think in his contrived mind - he feels that's the gist of our struggle and if he can prove that the word has no power - then he'll earn his "i'm a good white man' stripes. The funniest part was mini-me's responses to the show. First question, Mom what is...JIVE and I respond 'think Good Times'. Then she was like ' why did they tell her she was using big words - what we don't use big words' - I will get my purpose for watching this - from her. Otherwise, tell me something I DON'T know.

I Love Toys on VH-1 - What did we do before this station came about. I don't wanna grow up I'm a Vh-1 Kid!

Some Musical Fodder

Are you not loving the LL COOL J and J-Lo song and video?! Dwele is killing me with his new single 'Weekend', Get Low Buss - WHEW LAWD!! I can't get that up high enough in the Hyundai! and THIS NEGRO HERE:

A Sista got two tickets to his midnite performance at The Tabernacle next Thursday - I'm about to put my thang down. I do have a camera phone - I'll see what I can do for ya'll, lol lol and I know you hear me 'coughing' cause I am getting sick and it probably will hit on.....next Friday.

And before I go:

I know the Cumbahyah Bus is in full swing and folks are really feeling the whole 'expand my horizons' but I refuse to all of a sudden become 'narrow minded' because my preference is MY BLACK BROTHER!! I LOVE THE BLACK MAN and if I want to broaden my horizons then I'll go get a pudgy, short, lightskinned Brother from out of town. Lately from Oprah to our local radio station - sistas been coming out the woodwork expounding on the wonders of the white man - GOOD FOR YOU! but I still have not heard a strong enough argument to leave the blackman alone. Nothing a whiteman can do - can top what the worse blackman brings to the table. Ya'll don't think the plan of slavery and separation is not working - look at this situation. So ya'll go ahead, gives those of us who are bold enough to stand and proclaim that we love our blackmen and we want to continue to try to work with him some more to pick from - cause the only thing a white man can do for me is point me to the mailroom - so I can talk to the brothers!

Ya'll I'm out! See yah on Sunday Evening!

Sunset Monologue 159

2006-03-09T16:53:00.000-05:00

The "REAL" Good Woman Postscript

Wow! My previous entry, brought about quite a bit of dialogue among me and my friends, a couple of fellow bloggers etc. Men and Women I spoke to who read (I don't lots of comments here - they come straight to the source) had a mouthful to say. It also gave me an opportunity to go introspective and look around in there and with the help of an 'nameless' commenter - I had an epiphany in the twelth hour and as we know it doesn't matter when you have - just have it. PAMELA HAS GROWN IN HER LIFES JOURNEY.

The missing piece to the whole quandry about good women is that little thing called 'passivity'. Pulling from Pop Culture again - Remember THIS? and Remember who He ultimately got with and WHY. I've grown from Vanessa Bell Calloway to Shari Headley! This is good people, this is very good. Yes I admit in my life that I have in some instances - kinda laid down and allowed situations to transpire without a fight - good or bad, but the distance between peace and dischord has gotten shorter. If you present yourself as a victim -you will be treated as such - and Pamela sure ain't no victim.

There are civilzed ways of doing that too - you don't have to cross over into 'yamp' land (that's young tramp for you beginners) to accomplish this. No neck rolls or sucking teeth is necessary. No games are necessary either, Some Brothers (or Sisters for the man with the good man syndrome) are not going to get it - (and here's something novel) JUST DON'T WANT IT then guess what? PRESS ON!!

And no, this is not about you giving more than them - men give differently, embrace your womanhood and use it to your advantage - there's nothing wrong with wanting something for yourself and fighting for it - even if it ends all fucked up to the left - at least you can say - well I made it do what it do and it didn't do - we, as women, speak on choices and all the opportunities we have - then make your shit happen or at least try. We got to stop being afraid of each other and letting others dictate to us the how, when and why's about things - don't be no fool, but it's okay to get caught up.

So, yea this is good - I wasn't feeling bad, but now I'm feeling real good - my journey to 40 (which is happening in less than three months) is looking so bright!! I need to definately get out my shades.

QUEUE SOME MUSIC -

Sunshine Monologue 173

2006-03-09T09:41:00.000-05:00

The Good Woman Blues

Blog Musical Mood: Black Sweat - Prince

La's Finest was singing to me last night (yes he does that - don't hate, lol) and it was a song he had written. It was a beautiful song all about the virtue of a good woman. The song is one that a man will keep in his mental rolodex to pull out when he's really messed up. I listened to it and then we briefly discussed it (and no I didn't question whether it was a song written off a wish or a song written after a wish come true) but he said something "you know this song is about a woman....like you". I was gracious in my acceptance of the title - but later on that evening as I lay in bed, I could do nothing but sign because people I got the "Good Woman Blues".

Let's first start with the title "Good Woman" - specifically the fact that you can't label yourself a good woman! It has to be a title given to you. As a lifetime member and one who was inducted into the Good Woman Hall of Fame December 1999, the qualifications are that at least THREE men have to verbally say you are a good woman and one of those must be in angst as in "You are such A GOOD WOMAN, I don't want to lose you" and at least one non-hating sista must verbally assign that title to you - and she can not be yo momma. So if you are going around 'proclaiming' you are a good woman - that sends danger signals - folks TELL you that - you don't SAY IT yourself, lol.

But anyway, as I lay in my cold bed last nite - I really got to thinking - exactly what has being a 'good woman' gotten me? We can go through all the 'attributes' about what makes a good woman, there are songs, poems, books, movies all depicting it, but here's something folks don't look at; being a good woman is the lonliest gig in town. In my year or so of blogging - you can count specifically my 'excitement', lol lol I haven't even HAD A RELATIONSHIP since I've been blogging. I had sex twice last year (and years are still 365 days). Yet I am a damn good woman (sigh).

Good women's Ex's stay in contact because they need her to rate who they are trying to date. Good women's IM blows up with brothers who need 'counseling' on what's wrong with them and/or their lady, Good women have men come by their cube at their job so they can 'take a walk' and lift him up cause his woman won't support his dream of being whatever, Good women are precious, rare and BY THEY DAMN SELVES!

Good women are NEVER first. Sometimes the car comes before her. Most good women just want to be in the top five, lol We don't ask for much. We actually (and I believe that I do) undervalue our worth. Men must have foresight, balls, sense and fortitude to hem up a Good Woman but unfortunately, alot of Brothers are just plain afraid of the ramifications of having one. It sounds all good and dandy on paper, but they cop out before you even get to the good part. Good women nowadays are stepping stools - we prop brothers up, make them whole and then they thank us and go get with someone else :(

Now don't get me wrong - it is a pleasure and a privledge to be honored by Blackmen as being a Good Woman - I'm Muslim, I don't subscribe to the theory of heaven - I WANT MY WINGS AND MY MAN NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I'm sorry it's a curse sometimes people. I haven't been in alot of relationships in my 39 3/4 years,however, it's an excerise in futility - because like alot of other good women - we tend to pick brothers in flux, brothers thinking outside the lines - therefore they got much on their plates and even more on their minds. These are the Brothers we vibe with the best - because alot of the traits that constitute a good woman - allow a man to go out here in the world and be a man. But it leaves us ASS OUT most of the time - We always gotta wait on ours - we get ours in the long run - we get ours - as soon as he gets it set up for us - because we don't deserve anything but the very best...............

Keeping it real, here's a prime example:

U are the reason,I know what I want in a woman. - Mobetta (2006)

What in three levels of hell is THIS suppose to mean? All the stuff we went through and how I held it down and all that other stuff and this is the sum of our past relationship. I am the LITMUS for which he puts other women up against.

Keeping it even realer, Ya'll hold on I need to go in my closet in the back, under my good prada pocketbook and get out my bag of 'issues'. At this point, I don't carry it around - nothing really in it that I don't carry around in my cosmetic bag - and because I'm of the pop culture generation - it is on a VCR Tape as a Sitcom, lol Actually an episode of "The Fresh Prince of BelAir" in this episode Will's Father comes back into his life and they grooving or whatever and then right when Will had embraced him - his pops had to go - Will gave an impassioned speech about how he was gonna make it and how he was a good man in spite of etc. etc and then he looked at Uncle Phil (and you can insert me looking at the ceiling in the blue light of my DVD Recorder) and he said "Man why he don't never want me?"

Sunset Monologue 158

2006-03-07T20:33:00.000-05:00

Chaste...Pure...Celibate

Blog Musical Mood: What's On Tonite - Montell Jordan

This afternoon one of our local radio stations discussed this phenom of the 'vow of chastity' and the 'vow of purity' that alot of Sistas are taking. They take some classes, have a ceremony and are gifted with a 'ring' signifying that they are abstaining from sex until they find their husbands. One of the main reasons is that they are taking time be with themselves.

Now, people, you all know what I feel about this whole 'spending time with yourself' and the self improvement alot of sistas have been doing for YEARS. I'm an advocate of taking a moment to access your sanity, but at what point do you reenter the real world? I declared late last yeat that I was done with that! If I see myself one more time, I'm going to whip my own ass, lol Me, Myself and I - are parting ways!!

If you overdo the whole 'self assessment' the mind has an uncanny ability of LYING TO YOUR ASS! The only way to see if you've made any progress is someone elses opinion, lol. You can spend all this time working it out with yourself and step one foot out here and realize - you been hoodwinked and are just as crazy as ever. You can't move on, until you move on people.

The other part that begs conversation is this whole 'purity' thing. Let's see what Mr. Webster lays out as a meaning for this word. We have to take the root word 'PURE' - Free from anything that adulterates, faultless, blameless, virgin or chaste. So if you have EVER been on all fours hanging off the end of the bed being taken there by a negro in nothing but gym socks and a smile - I'mma need you to line up ------------>HERE cause you are to the right of Pure. If you can remember when the above happen and when you do, a small bead of sweat ruins the relaxer at the nape of your neck --------------> HERE, cause as my daddy said "you can't go back to holding hands" You've already sullied yourself. Now you can acknowledge that and change your behaviour, but you can't reclaim your virginity.

Now this whole celibate thing - I, personally, will NEVER claim to be celibate. I am taken there quite a bit in my life, kicking and screaming I might add, because I haven't quite got that whole "I just can use a man for his dick" thing down - keeps missing me dammit. So I go long periods bereft of the wonders of the male being - but I don't proclaim to be celibate. I understand it and it takes great mental capacity to practice it - but I think it shouldn't have a name, because see that eludes to the notion that you are getting it so much that you have to cut it off because it's just become too much - when as we know, usually it's about something else.

The DJ had me laughing when he talked about the fact that it must be really hard to even date, because with the 'ratio' being what it is - for every sista who doesn't there are currently 10 who will for every brother in Atlanta. Now I always find this 'ratio' thing interesting, because all the men I know are constantly complaining there are no women. So let's get out our math books people and do a bit of addition as we break down the infamous 'ratio' Let's look at say 11 women that apparently are walking around the city for every brother.

Of the 11 women

2 date each other

2 are married to the Lord

2 have taken a vow of purity

1 has shunned black men a long time ago

1 has enough drama for an entire season on FOX

that leaves a Brother with 2 sistas and ONE OF THEM HE JUST DOESN'T LIKE! So there you have it people. You all get an "A".

FINALLY:

RIP Gordon Parks - your imagery and depiction of black faces will take us into the future and beyond.

Gordon Parks

Sunset Monologue 157

2006-03-06T20:11:00.000-05:00

It's Hard Out Here

Blog Musical Mood: You Can't Win - Michael Jackson

for a pimp! hehehehehe - do you not love it, lol Good for them - most of those folks in that audience has robbed our culture of damn near everything we got and have come up with, so good for them. My thing is - why are we to assume that they are bad people. Jack Black can stand up and act a fool - Robin Williams is beserk - Dude with the green suit came out looking a plum fool.

Our culture is what their culture was built off of. Understanding that in order to even play that game - you have to sell a piece of your soul - look at the Terrance's and the Jamie's etc. They've had to totally revamp to be 'accepted'.

Folks dont' get to this level by being idiots. Little John out of character is an entirely different person.

I'm more tired myself of the 'act' we put on for white people. I can safely say that a good 40% of the folks in the audience CHILDREN know all about three six.

As a person who does not just pull out the soapbox when it's convenient - if they really did bad I would say it - but to me, sure they didn't have a speech - but I don't see what the big fallout is going to be.

Be responsible for what YOU are contributing to and representing in terms of 'our culture'. If you work on that - you got a full time gig.

For Me - I really need to figure out why the things I want always come with 'small print'. I don't ask for alot ya'll. If it were not so fustrating it would be funny, I tell yah. I wish that we were farther along in the relationship to take away some of the uncertainity. The feelings and emotions are all over the place, popping like neurons and electrons. When all we wanna do is be together (insert the soundtrack of a great american love story here - pick one any one).

I'm in a very peaceful place. That's why he came into my life in the first place, because I have been so centered and enjoying of life. I will continue to do so - my light is special - it's also self sustaining, but he brought joy to it and I think I brought joy to his - we all need a little joy in our lives, it's a shame that joy is not something we can have without the fine print. Always gotta fight for it, always gotta justify it, always can never just have it and let it run it's own course. If we aren't living in hell - I don't know what to call it.

What I do know is that yesterday morning - something special happen and it doesn't happen everyday and if it was only suppose to happen yesterday, then I am hoarding it because it felt so good - but if I come to the conclusion that it was meant to keep happening - then I'm going to fight for it - I'm a camel baby - I got plenty to live on in this hump, lol.

I will not automatically assign an ending to a story that is just beginning.

Sunset Monologue 156

2006-03-05T18:00:00.000-05:00

Now That I've Fallen....

What am I gonna do? It happen this morning, it was real subtle like a gentle breeze swirling around the room, it invaded me and left me breathless. I've been off kilter all day and then I realized what had hit me.....

Wow is all I can say, this actually caught me off guard. I guess that's the way it's suppose to be. Surely must not be a time limit on these things and certainly timing can't be a factor.

I feel.......

I am not one to look at people intently without cause, because my eyes tell ALL my business - as we stared intently at each other - is when it happen, I'm pretty sure of that.

I won't speak it aloud, because it's in such an infancy state. It needs water, light and food to help it grow - and there's no guarantee (like alot of things in life) that it will be allowed to - but it feelssssssssss........so..........good.

The conversation was real, the outcome uncertain and it knows this but it came anyway, like it does - with no regard for what's going on - it has it's own agenda, it's own rhyme and reason.

I'm just going to wrap it up and perserve it, because I want it and I want it to go as far as it can, regardless of the consequences - I know that just as powerful as it comes, when it leaves it wrecks havoc, but I can't block the blessing and it might not be on my timetable - so I need to just chill.

The funniest part of this whole thing, this morning was that I could have swore while it was happening to me; it - was - happening - to - him....

What are we gonna do?

Sunshine Monologue 172

2006-03-05T09:45:00.000-05:00

Finally Some Visuals

Blog Musical Mood: You Put A Move On My Heart - Tamia

What a beautiful peaceful Sunday morning. Just the type of day I enjoy the most. I especially enjoyed the way I woke up (wink) - ya'll know Sunday Mornings do it for me. I also am going into a quiet moment in general because I need to speak with God about some things,I've stepped out there, we've stepped out there - help us in our steps. I dug through a ton of shit to find that key to my heart I had hidden - couldn't remember where I put it, lol - I found it, and I'm shining it up - now I'm just giving it to God, he's the best knower.

So this day also is a great time to put up some pictures from my trip. Enjoy!

Me Chillin at the Harbor

My Brother and I

Mini-Me Looking Absolutely Beautiful

Ready to Go

Sunshine Monologue 171

2006-03-03T10:21:00.000-05:00

Cornbread, Earl, Me, the camcorder, God and Oh My Own Personal Superman

Blog Musical Mood: I try - Angela Bofill

Mini-me let's go get a cab. suitcase - check, garment bag - check, carryon bag - check, camcorder bag - check. Whew am I looking forward to getting home. Hmmm, no this man does not have SHAG CARPET in this van. Daydreaming, Daydreaming...looking at the meter. Whew look at my little house! Glad to see yah! Thank you sir - I only have $39.55 of the $40 cab fare - thanks again. OH MY GOD! WHERE IS THE CAMCORDER CASE?! Wait Wait Sir I left something in your cab (puff puff running out into street)

And there I stood at the end of my driveway. I had made it all the way to my front door with no incidence only to leave my brand new digitial camcorder and my regular digital camera in the cab. My mind was going crazy because in my haste to just get home I (1) had no idea what cab company I used, (2) had no idea of any numbers for the cab (3) didn't know the cab drivers name. What I had was (1) He was bald and African (2) drove a conversion van with shag carpet and captains seats with a TV in the middle (YIKES) and (3) it was white. So there you have it. I immediately thought he might be going back to Amtrak to try to make some more money off the train, so I hopped in my car and with mini-me in tow and my heart just racing, I took off to the downtown area. I pull up at Amtrak and it is.....deserted! I go in and tell them my situation and they stare back at me, but a brother tells me there's a brother who is really helpful and he tells me about another brother who kinda hangs with the cab drivers and that he'll let him know to be on the lookout. I give them all my 'information' and file a claim with Amtrak. He tells me that they sometimes move over to the Greyhound Station - so I decide what the hell, I'm going over there.

Now is where it gets interesting...I give LA's Finest a call, I'm distraught as I tell him what happened and he wants to know where I am and then he says "I'm on my way" In all honestly , I'm looking at the phone like...really? I get to Greyhound and I ask around. In the meantime, Mini-me has told me that she thinks his name is Babtunde Johnson and that she was reading his license and laughing cause who would have an african name and then...Johnson. So I go with that - her comprehending score was freshman in college OBVIOUSLY more than my ass, lol. I am walking across the street and there he stands LA'S Finest. He hugs me and asks me questions and his presence immediately calms me down. It's not that he could do anything, but that he left his job to come comfort me. Mind you - I'm looking like a big huge boiling pot of H.A.M. I just got off a train for Gods Sake. I had on my glasses, a sweat suit that effectively needed to be burned and my hair looked like A bad day for Al Sharpton - but hey too late now. Seeing as it was a lost cause. I decided to go on home. I knew with the limited information I had, it was basically a wrap.

La's Finest checked in several times once I got home to see if anything had turned up and how was I doing. I had taken a hot shower by then and began the 'speech' about it's just material things etc. etc. BUT I WANTED MY SHIT BACK! I actually thought about 'Chubby' and her situation when she got back from Atlanta. I was just so ass outttttttt!! I then gave it to God. I had just come up off of a religious event - I had to have shined in God's eyes some kinda way. It was His Word on the Videotape. I couldn't sleep so I cleaned. I unpacked, I did things. When I'm stressed I carry it in my neck and arms and they were painful to the touch. Mini-me was blaming herself for not looking around before she got out. It was a Hot mess up in Camp Pammie.

My cell phone ringing broke me out of my fog - I answered "This is the cab driver. Someone found me, I'm out at the airport and I have your bag" I literally burst into tears (and ya'll know I ain't a crier). I could not believe it. It was a needle in a haystack at best. He was going to charge me $40 to bring it to me or he could drop it off at the Amtrak. I chose the latter. I called LA's Finest and he proceeded to tell me to give him the number etc. and he was going to the airport to pick it up! I told him to slow down, I was having the man go to the Amtrak.

I called Amtrak and let them know and then with my heart just a fluttering said "My Man is coming to pick it up his name is....." LA's Finest called me when he had it in hand and the stress that was lifted from my body caused me to start yawning immediately.

What a day! Wow. You know, alot in my life, because of my vibrant personality - it's hard for me to find someone who is interested in Pam when she standing in the dirty Greyhound parking lot looking like death warmed over. They wanna be around Pam when she ON and LIT. I can call and get a kind word or two but no action. LA Finest stepping outside of his world to enter mines was powerful. Did he see that behind my sparkling eyes - the deficiency of that in my life? I'm the best sidekick there is - but I need me a superhero in my life - and now I have one. He going for the jugular..my heart, I hope he doesn't decide to step all over it. I'm so open over this man and I can't even tell you why, lol No analyzing this time around - I'm just living in the moment.

P.S. He got a ringtone, lol Keisha Cole's "Love" it rings - and I knew when we started kissing -- cause I've kissed some damn toads believe you me and so I knew right off the bat....this was a sho nuff Prince.

P.P.S. Yes Mini-me met him in the parking lot. I inquired what she thought and she said without missing a beat "like you like em mom Tall and Black. He seems nice he got some kids?" LOL LOL

P.P.P.S. When I get the camera from him THEN you will see pictures - hold your horses!

Sunshine Monologue 170

2006-03-02T10:45:00.000-05:00

All Aboard

Blog Musical Mood: Turn Out The Lights - Teddy Pendergrass

Hello People! I have finally cleared up a moment to begin blogging again. Yah missed me?! Well this is my first day back at work so of course all of my euphoria about having been gone on vacation has been sapped from my very body. I had a wonderful time! It was nice to fellowship and see family and all that good stuff. Some thoughts:

Black people know how to travel. We've been riding buses and rails for so long, it's no big deal. I decided before I left I would NOT be frying no chicken, bringing no ratty ass blankets from the spare bedroom or anything like that - but believe you me it was on the train. We also don't let a little 2x4 bathroom dissuade us. We ALL had Lysol, wipes and portable toilet tissue. Keebers had....nothing.

The advent of modern technology makes travel much easier. Between the portable DVD, MP3's and Ipods and Cell phone - the trip was a breeze. However, for those that feel the need to SCREAM into their cellular devices - the TRAIN is not a good spot for that. As well as, exactly what is the point of a Nextel if you are not a construction worker. Who the hell wants to hear all your conversation?

I birthed mini-me so waking up to her breaking like a dragon in my face is something, though unpleasant, tolerable. Waking up to the waifing of strangers morning breath...is NOT!

The train originated in New Orleans and let me tell you - no offense - but there was some nastiness. What's up people? The train ain't the DOME! The train coming home originated from Boston and we had immaculate bathrooms, a real chef making lamb chops on the freaking train and top shelf liquor. What's up with THAT?!
Black people have made playing cards and UNO rich

Why must all our 'sides of town' look exactly the same?

The Baltimore Harbor is really nice - and if I could have taken off the 16 layers of clothes, I might have enjoyed it, lol

Why was I in Baltimore and didn't eat one piece of......SEAFOOD?!

What does this say that my family and I maintain our routines regardless of where we are - therefore, my mom, sisterinlaw and I went to the Thrift Store and the Dollar Store and the indian restaurant while in Baltimore

The DC train station is the BOMB! I love DC and would like to go back up there to hang out this summer. Maybe with LA's Finest - who knows....

Speaking of...why was THAT man on my mind and I kept wishing he were there with me...Hmmmmmm

Mini-me's phone came in handy. Cause you know the Metro went out immediately, lol Local Ass Phone

Next up (I need pictures for this post) Saviours Day 2006.

Sunset Monologue 155

2006-02-28T19:55:00.000-05:00

Baby I'm BACK!

What it is?! I am BACK in Decatur and about to pop with the stories I have to tell you - however, I gotta get my school back on track and my job soooo - you are going to have to wait till later on this week. So please bear with me - don't desert me, cause I got stuff to tell ya'll!!!!

Coming Up: The Train, Baltimore, Saviour's Day and how I'm falling for LA's Finest :) and I got pictures - but the story of how I almost didn't - is a story you must hear!

Sunshine Monologue 169

2006-02-24T12:13:00.000-05:00

No H.A.M. in this system

Blog Musical Mood: I feel good all over - Stepfanie Mills

Yes I'm packed (for the most part)and just kinda relaxing until it's time to go. I won't have internet access while I'm away and I was fretting about what to leave up for you to enjoy. Then I realized that I decided last evening after watching "The Celebration of Gospel" on BET that I was proclaiming Tyrese the finest man in the universe and I had an idea. Leave em something visual. Sooo folks - enjoy the next few days. Be on the lookout for a long distance Audio and keep it crunk for a sista!

Sunset Monologue 164

2006-02-22T22:21:00.000-05:00

Blogging While Tired

Blog Musical Mood: Black Sweat - Prince

I'm too tired to work on why I have panic attacks before I see my family. I was up half the night with indigestion, which since I never get - was my panic attack.

I'm too tired to battle the fact that I hate places that make you feel guilty that you are taking some earned time off.

I'm too tired to really celebrate the fact that my professor extended all our class assignment deadlines because half the class doesn't have the book - thus eliminating the need for me to do seven days of classwork...in two.

I'm too tired to ponder if I really need the DVD Burner (as a companion piece to my new digital camcorder) Target is selling for $88 and that I'm going to get tomorrow, hoping they still have some in stock.

I'm too tired to do anything more than drop stuff in the corner of the living room and label it to pack Friday.

I'm too tired to analyze that LA's Finest might be entering that man zone where they go "what the hell,I've been seeing the same woman for x amount of time - what does THAT mean" - Pilot: Folks we are approaching our cruising altitude - I'll be taking the seatbelt on sign off soon.....

I'm to tired to find out when Princes new stuff is coming out. I haven't had him on the immediate radar in a hot minute - but "Black Sweat" got me open.

I'm to tired to go into detail about how cool my male gyno is. Only professional I know that will say "Pam you getting any?" LOL LOL

I'm to tired to spend but one moment updating the 'I can't play in the sandbox' story by saying the same person who told me that I couldn't attend the shower because I wasn't Christian - came to me 'because they had been chosen as the planner of the Sports Banquet for their Christian Recreational League and since I knew so much about planning an event - they really needed my help'

I'm so tired - that I think I'll take my cocoa ass......TO BED!

Sunset Monologue 161

2006-02-21T18:44:00.000-05:00

Your Blog Mistress PaMmIe

Blog Musical Mood: Do Me Baby - Prince

I thought that it would be cool as part of my one year anniversary celebration - to pull up a couple of posts that will tell you all about your Blog Mistress - that's me! I have alot of new fans (yes I said fans) and these were some really cool posts - - so enjoy and I'll see ya'll tomorrow!

100 Things About Me

My middle name is Darlena (had it legally dropped)
I type about 85 wpm on a good day
I enjoy a nice bowl of frosted flakes w/ice cold milk
I ‘eat’ w/a spoon rather than drink chocolate milk
I use old T-shirts as hankerchiefs, Kleenex irritates my nose
I have every journal I’ve ever kept since I was 13 yrs old
I have four volumes of my life with Michael Jackson
I enjoy watching & reading porn
I relax under my daughters baby blanket
I grew up w/a polygamous Father
I was a prom night conception
I still will play with my daughters dolls when she’s asleep
I really wish I would have went to Spelman and pledged Delta
My favorite Author is Beverly Jenkins
I have stolen money before in my lifetime
I have never had sex in a car before
I’ve only been in love once in my life & not with my late husband
I lived in Central America for a year as a child
I freeze bubble gum and chew it later
I wanted to be Isis when I was nine
My favorite food in the whole world is chicken
I’ve never ever tasted a piece of pork
I don’t know how to play spades, bid widst,solitaire
I still like kickball
The only white men I find remotely attractive is Brad Pitt & Sean Connery
I wish I had Beyonce’s Body
I spoke with Janet Jackson on the phone when my mom worked for her
I let loose to Miami Bass Music
In my alter ego life I’m a stripper
I want to publish an all male nude magazine for women
I subscribe to over 8 magazines and counting
One of my bad habits is chewing gum
I am fascinated with gay culture
I like men more than women
I can’t fight
I can be stingy sometimes
I don’t cry very easily
I don’t like a lot of sweets
I curse like a sailor sometimes
I don’t think I can get pregnant again
My favorite color is anything earth tones
I wear too much brown and black
I am frightened of snakes, spiders and snails
I cried the first time I went to Disney World because it was just like the commercial
I was a virgin throughout High School
I wanted to be a housewife
I don’t like shopping
I always miss the ‘hookup’
I’ve never been to jail
I have not so good credit
I started driving when I was 28 years old
I wish I knew how to dance professionally
I daydream a lot
I made up an entire different family for myself when I was little
I played with dolls until I was 14 years old
I wouldn’t mind being a hair dresser
My favorite Ice Cream is Maple Walnut
Sunday Mornings are my favorite time of the week
I love fake big jewelry
I used to ride shotgun on a motorcycle all the time
The best time of my life was 15-19 years of age
I don’t know how to run – I always fall
I’m near sighted
I’m left handed
I’ve never had a broken bone
When I was 16 I talked on the phone a whole weekend never hanging up
I’m not to keen on people in general – I get bored with them
I want to run naked in the rain
I’d love to get an RV and just live in it wherever I wanted to
I HATE working
I still giggle and blush
I can’t swim
I haven’t been on an adult vacation in over 8 years
I’ve never been out to the west coast
I enjoy taking nice road trips
Gone with Wind is one of my favorite movies – I’m Scarlett complete w/slaves
My Paternal Grandfather was a Spy for Cuba
My Mom is a famous writer
I have two incomplete (maybe 3) manuscripts
My girlfriend and I want our own radio show
I’ve never cheated on a man
Watching the Iron man Competition makes me cry
I’m usually late
A picture of Michael Jackson back in the day is my screen saver at home
I faint everytime I see him (Mike) perform (even on TV)
I’m a deep well of non-important information
I don’t like talking religion, politics etc.
I’ve never been on vacation by myself
I’ve never had a one nite stand
I’m diabetic
I snore when I’m really sleepy
Amityville Horror scared the hell out of me and I can’t read or watch it
I like to make out like a teenager
Life is one of my favorite board games
I don’t like my feet
I am vain
I’m not competitive
I don’t like arguing & fighting but love a good debate sometimes
I overuse the word nigga
I’m corny!

THE INTERVIEW

1. WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

Pam

2.HOW AND WHY ARE YOU SINGLE, YOU SEEM TO BE THE TOTAL PACKAGE?

There are alot of wonderful quality items that are left on the showroom floor for several reasons; someone may be used to shopping bargain basement, the price may be to high, the style might not be to their liking, someone told them to try something else, they are thinking of something else and pass it by, they don't like digging and prefer what's up front for easy access - So, I'll just continue to mature and appreciate in value and one day I'll be plucked up :)

3. WHAT IS IDEA OF A PERFECT SOUL MATE?

There is really no 'perfection' in hell, so that's a stretch.

4. WHAT IS YOUR IDEAL RELATIONSHIP?

One where everyone gets what they need when they need it - the truest form of equality.

5. WHAT MAKES YOU THE WOMAN YOU ARE NOW?

I am still evolving as a woman - so each experience, conversation, reflection, criticism and acknowledgement help in that process.

6. WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN THE NEXT FIVE YEARS WITH REGARDS TO A FAMILY?

I will have a 16 year old daughter and continue to be the best mother/daughter/aunt/friend I can be.

7. IF YOU COULD CHANGE 5 THINGS ABOUT YOU WHAT WOULD THEY BE AND WHY?

Height - I want it to match the 'tall' way I think, lol
Worrying - it's time consuming
Forcing squares into circles - it hasn't worked since the beginning of time
Hesitation - sometimes just let go and let God

8. DO YOU LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY?

Condition is anything required for the performance, completion or existence of something else and "Un" means without - so no, I love conditionally because qualification is a must.

9.HOW IMPORTANT IS GOD IN YOUR LIFE?

He is Very Important but he counts on me to Help with my own destiny.

10.ARE YOU A SENSUAL WOMAN?

My five senses are very important to me in taking in and feeling all the wonders of my surroundings - so I am sensual in that I absorb and want to experience.

11.HOW OPEN MINDED ARE YOU?

I feel 'open minded' can actually hinder you because if you accept everything and anything - where is your foundation? I 'entertain' several thoughts/theories/beliefs.

12. DO YOU HAVE EROTIC TENDENCIES?

Being in tune with me and my surroundings leaves me open to erotic possibilities all the time.

13. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR IF YOU ARE NOT LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP?

I am leaving myself open to the possibility of love, honor, and cherishment

14. DO YOU BELIEVE IN PREMARITAL OR CASUAL SEX?

To be 'casual' is to have no responsibility to the person you lay with; to be intimate is something completely different. Sex before Marriage can be 'telling'

15. IS MARRIAGE SOMETHING YOU LOOK FORWARD TO? WHAT DO YOU BRING TO THE TABLE IN A MARRIAGE OR IN A RELATIONSHIP?

Having been married, I believe in the covenant of it and the necessity for it - see 'resume' below for qualifications

16. WHAT DOES SUCCESS MEANS TO AND HOW DO YOU MEASURE IT?

I measure a persons success by how they present it to me, since it's a personal goal and achievement. Each persons 'success' is measured by them and acknowledge or ignored by me.

17.WHO WAS MOST INFLUENTIAL PERSON IN YOUR LIFE TO DATE?

ALL of my Parents

18.HOW ARE YOU PERCEIVED BY OTHERS AND DO YOU THINK MEN ARE INTIMIDATED BY YOU?

As a kind, funny, quirky, involved person. Men are not intimidated BY me moreso by what I REPRESENT - with me comes responsibility.

19. WHAT IS YOUR OUTLOOK ON THE WORLD?

That it is round - so there is no new information and it is up to each person to seek and find that which will give them the greatest amount of peace and usually it's among those that are LIKE you and not UNLIKE you.

20. WHAT ARE YOUR DEEPEST DESIRES?

To reveal my deepest desires will leave them up for (1) discussion (2) critique and (3) intrepretation - so they are MY deepest desires for me to either bring to light or keep hidden, unless someone picks the right key.

21.HOW CAN I GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER AND BE YOUR FRIEND?

Usually people who succeed in getting to know me - understand quickly that I'm not that difficult to figure out, and approach me as such, lol - they immediately put something on my mind and intrigue me to want to KNOW them - that usually comes thru good conversation that opens a door and exposes a new road I might want to travel.

THE RELATIONSHIP RESUME

Plicious
Decatur Where It's Greater
Decatur, GA XXXXX
XXX-XXX-XXXX
a cool name@a domain.com

Education

Two Parent Involvement
Solid Family Structure
Religious Foundation
Oldest Girl of 7 boys 5 girls
American School System
American Cultural Exposure
American Work Force Training

Skills

Culinary, Parental, Professional, Communication, Familial, Intimacy, Sexual, Hospitality;

Relationship Experience

October 2004 - February 2005 The High Seas
Contractual Agreement As Needed
Responsible for Termination: Joint Resignation

March-August 2004 Southern Charmer
Reason for Termination: Declining of promotion package (Marriage) led to dismissal.
Responsible for Termination: Joint Resignation

2001-2003 Frequent Flyer Miles
Reason for Termination: Uncharted Weather Cancelled Flight
Responsible for Termination: Still Looking for the Black Box to confirm

1999-2000 Toys for Tots
Reason for Termination: Overloaded Sockets and Infidelity
Responsible for Termination: ME

1998-1999 City Government at it's finest
Reason for Termination: Smoke inhalation caused brain damage
Responsible for Termination: ME

1996-1997 Getting My Feet Wet
Reason for Termination: Relocation with no package offered
Responsible for Termination: HIM

1988-1994 First Comes Marriage
Reason for Termination: Death
Responsible for Termination: Murderers

Additional Interests

Reading, Writing, Entertaining, Internetting, Bowling, Conversing, Concerts, Cooking;

References Supplied Upon Request

Sunset Monologue 160

2006-02-20T22:06:00.000-05:00

Brain Spillage

Blog Musical Mood: Love - Keisha Cole

Ever have a taste for something and just can't get to it? I really want a nice cold coke, lol. So let's see what's going on in my world for today - February 20, 2006.

At about 7pm this evening with a quick click, I officially completed the first formal college course I've had in about seventeen years. Hooray for me! I worked on that damn paper all day and finally got it finished. I did this first one for the most part absent of help, but I did purchase THIS - because the wheel has already been invented, I just need to take the ride,lol. A good sound $39.99 investment. I get no break, my next class Management 330 - Management for Organizations begins tomorrow. I don't have my book yet - but I think it will be here tomorrow so I can get started. I have to complete a weeks worth of work in three days....

Because I go to Baltimore this weekend. I don't want to go in all honesty. This weekend like I mentioned before is one to stay in Atlanta for. However, I'm doing this (1) to appease my mother and (2) because my daughter needs this. Ya'll know I don't talk about religion to much on the blog, not because I can't but because I'm just in a way more spiritual place and that doesn't really need discussing. I'll give ya'll a lengthy one when I get back.

Sooo it seems as if very quietly LA's Finest has 'googled' me,lol. I don't have an issue with that because I don't have anything to hide - but I find it funny and slightly cute. I don't know if I've ever been googled before. I've been on this information highway when it was a dirt road - and I've had my screen name for five years now, so sure my name got legs. I googled myself one time and didn't find anything exciting, lol. My naked ass ain't on the net - so anything else is fair game. Now if in the googling he found a way to fix my messed up credit - THAT would be something, lol

I have a couple of new toys, I'm really enjoying. First look at this beautiful crock pot! I broke it in with some oxtails the other day and I can't wait to cook more things in it. Ya'll know me and my cooking, lol. Then I got my video camera in the mail. This was a good score on Ebay. I sold the one I had and made a profit - so that's even better. I'm still figuring it all out, but I definately will be taking good video and pictures of the Baltimore Trip - who knows this bad boy here might take the blog.....visual in more ways than one!

Mini-me went to the dance and had a good time. I got a chance to peek in, since the dance was held in the Cafetorium which is all glass. Honey some things don't change. All the girls were all clustered together or eating and the boys were running around buck wild - wrestling and hitting one another, lol. As you can tell, she sure thought she was cutey (and I did too, lol)

My mood right now is sooo smokey. Even LA (he gets a nickname of the nickname, lol) said that I sound like I been smoking weed etc. I get in these kinda moods where I'm just so in the zone that I am this low key. I flared bad today in a shall we say intense debate with my mom - but you know what - I stood my ground and said what I had to say - the level of stres that relationship produces is on the decline honey. I hang up the phone and poof, moving on. So I guess this is just me getting back centered. Now what would make this mood even more right is a kiss right down the middle of my back, with lips that have just drank a red bull so they are all cool and sweet - but in due time.

I had something interesting happen at the end of the week. I have been involved in keeping up good spirits as well as planning an event for a co-worker. I am always involved because folks know I give a good set and my signature dishes are requirements at most social functions I attend. So I'm all set, when someone approachs me and asks if I'm going to an event that would precede the one I was involved in. I'm like um no, didn't know there was going to be one. I get a description of how nice the invite was blah blah blah and I'm confident that it was just an oversight. So I proceed to ask one of my girls, that very question. Now here's where it gets quite matrix like - I am told I wasn't invited because I....wasn't....Christian.

Apparently the preacher will be there to bless the house, bless the mom and say some scripture etc. etc. and it was felt that I would be uncomfortable. Let me pull from one of my favorite movies "Sparkle" So we got one brain thinking for two people. HUH?! to tell ya'll my feelings were HURT is an understatement. I was there when 'Janets' sister's home got blessed, I was at there in the Church when 'Janet' got her wedding blessed (she got married in the Islands and needed the Priests blessing when they got home), I have been to Weddings, Baptisms, and I could go on and on - so to exclude me, especially when the exclusion was coming from folks I've known for YEARS, considered friends and have always respected and admired - cut to the bone. Especially when this is a BABY SHOWER and I still can't imagine what was going to go down that would cause my presence to sully it. Might as well told me I couldn't sit at the counter because I was a nigga.

I rolled with it, but as always, it was VERY evident in my eyes that I was beyond...I have gotten my head together about it, but it's all changed in my eyes. I won't pull out my recessive 'bitch' gene and say some things that crossed my mind - but even though I'm not Christian - I'm going to exhibit Christian like behaviour and take the high road and turn the other cheek. But best believe me, things won't ever be the same.....they can't.

Sunset Monologue 159

2006-02-19T19:05:00.000-05:00

I'm Sprung

Music Video Codes By MusicJesus.com

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like for your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Ok people - I'mma need you to bear wit a sista cause - I don got my nose WIDE OPEN for this man,lol. Whew Lawd!

A whole year now, you've heard about my trials and tribulations and though on the bigger scale the stuff I went through trying to run up on someone to date - have been tame, but they have been my journey. So to actually run up on this Brother and it be like BAM POW BOOM (which ya'll know - is something that I believe in the electricity effect) Hmmmm....is all I can say. Sure I got some analytical thinking about it and what I learned last year that certainly is allowing me to (1) receive this blessing and (2) enjoy it with a sane head and a pure heart - but like alot of things - we got plenty of time to go over there - let's just enjoy the moment.

LA's Finess and I had another fabulous date nite and let me tell you - the general consensus of my inner circle is - GET A ROOM, lol. This feeling of being wha...17 again is so great! We are just some happy negroes, lol. We riding, singing 'Bonnie and Clyde' with Jay-Z and Beyonce, laughing, kissing just enjoying each others company.

Now mind you, we both doing our thang, living our separate lives and keeping all of that going - but I sincerely believe I'm on his mind as much as he's on mine. It's a GOOD THING - we don't live really near each other - because we'd get sucked up in that vortex, lol.

I also know LIFE is going to step her complicated ass in the picture, as we come down from the initial meet and start to flow into the 'we've reached our cruising altitude'. We got Kids, we probably much broker than we letting on, our friends are about to CUSS US OUT if we don't spend time with them, they also are gonna wanna 'see' the other person, we are gonna want to find ways to spend more time together, we both in school, we both got jobs, he got his music - but it's all good.

I feel like I wanna iron his shirts or something, lol. You know as females we get in a space where we want to 'express' our feelings - of happiness. Some women pull out the sexual trick bag, some women pull out the lingerie, I pull out the domestic Pam, lol. I wanna cook, clean, stuff like that. I know weird, lol.

Soo that's where I am at right now. Sitting around with this silly grin on my face, lol. Yea Yea I know, don't get caught up to fast and I'm not. I got my head on straight - We are not moving at any pace that is not mutually agreed upon.

And yes there are some possible storm clouds off in the distance - that he alerted me to. But I'm not going to let that bother me either, because if it starts to rain - either we're gonna run out of it together (in a perfect New Edition Moment - he likes them too - told ya'll this man got me LIT) or it's going to leave me in a position to have a nice all weather coat from the experience and that's that.

And I'll just end this post, because I know ya'll about to throw up, lol by Paraphrasing Teddy Pendergrass:

"It's so good liking somebody when somebody likes you back and that's a fact"

Sunshine Monologue 168

2006-02-18T08:22:00.000-05:00

It's My Anniversary!

326 Posts
3 Different Templates
497 Blogger Comments (I have them all saved)
14,064 Current Views!
2 Step Out The Blog Friendships

Today is my One Year Anniversary of Blogging!

I want to thank everyone who actually reads, whether it be once a day or once a week or once month or once a lifetime.

Thanks to the Black Blogging Community for embracing a sista and allowing me to carve out my little Niche' in this world.

Of course special thanks to my blog father Rod 2.0 - he's doing big things and I STILL wanna be like him when I grow up.

Special Shout Out to my Blog Children - who happen to be all male. It's always fascinating and interesting to hear a man speak - I appreciate your voice!

I only have 4 months and some change before I turn 40 - can you believe that?! However, chronicling some of the journey here has saved me THOUSANDS!

Guess What? I actually have more to say - so all I can say is STAY TUNED!

Sunshine Monologue 167

2006-02-17T09:43:00.000-05:00

It's Friday! It's Friday!

Blog Musical Mood: Run It - Chris Brown

Hey people! It's been a long week and it's now the beginning of a three day weekend! I'm looking forward to it. I've been fighting off a funky mood - due to external employment stresses - but it's all good, I know my rule about that and I keep breaking it sooooo, when I get stressed out it's on me.

Next weekend it's Baltimore for myself and Mini-me - meeting the family for Saviour's Day. Now I'm not overly excited because that weekend is HOT in the ATL! Dang it! First the New Jack City Reunion Tour with Teddy Riley/Guy/Toni Tony Tone/Blackstreet/After Seven, then the Some broad having a party with strippers from five states and invited the public!, THEN it's LA's Finest Birthday! This would have been a crunk weekend!!!!!!! But such is life :(

So here's an interactive Blog - and please note I read the comments, I haven't figured out how to make them just appear at the bottom of my page - if someone could put me in the right direction - I'd appreciate it.

I'm sure some of you have heard the chant - but let me get it started for Friday and let's see what we come up with HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND!!

Its Friday, Its Friday, its the end of the work week, its the last day, Yo Pam, its on you, so what you gonna do?!

I'm gonna get my rest on, I'm gonna get my school on, I'm gonna get my movies on and I'm gonna get my Freak On!

It's Friday, It's Friday, It's the end of the work week, it's the last day YO ___________ it's on YOU, so what you gonna do?!

Sunshine Monologue 166

2006-02-15T17:07:00.000-05:00

Call Me If You Need Someone To Talk To

Sooo yes Mini-me got herself a phone on Friday. As part of the 'no contract' deal she had to sign a 'contract' I made up. Now what's interesting is that several parents asked to have a copy of my contract. I find it amazing that sometimes we as parents really get confused as to what our 'rights' are concerning our children, since they have been compromised so much by todays times. You the parent run it and you can do what you please in terms of setting parameters for your child.

A twelve year old should not just be given a phone; prepaid or not with no expectations. I have a friend who works at a cell phone company and the horrified looks on parents of the child with the $1000 phone bill are not fantasy. As well as, you should not have any issues with the way other folks are making decisions about their children - your child is your responsiblity and you can set rules and regulations as you see fit.

PHONE MUST BE OFF DURING SCHOOL HOUR

NO SUGGESTIVE LYRICS OR IMAGES ARE TO BE DOWNLOADED ON THE PHONE

PERMISSION MUST BE GRANTED FOR ALL DOWNLOADS BEFORE HAND

NO PHONE CALLS AFTER 9PM SUN-THURS & 9:30PM FRI-SAT – SUSPENSION OF PHONE
PRIVLEDGES IF THIS RULE IS BROKEN TWICE.

PHONE MAY BE COFISCATED AS PARENTAL UNIT SEES FIT

PHONE PRIVLEDGES WILL BE SUSPENDED IMMEDIATELY IF PHONE IS TAKEN OR SPOKEN
ABOUT BY AUTHORITIES AT SCHOOL (Three Days)

NO BOYS (OUTSIDE OF FAMILY) ARE TO HAVE YOUR PHONE NUMBER

SPOT CHECKS ON INCOMING AND OUTGOING CALLS MAY HAPPEN

PARENTAL UNIT CAN AND WILL MONITOR EXCESSIVE PHONE USAGE

PARENTAL UNIT HAS ACCESS TO PHONE AND PASS CODES AT ALL TIME.

FOOTNOTE: THE PHONE IS CURRENTLY ON A THREE DAY SUSPENSION BECAUSE APPARENTLY SHE COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE AND BECAME OVERCOME AND STOOD UP IN CLASS PULLED OUT HER PHONE AND CALLED ME - TO TELL ME DANCE TEAM HAD BEEN CANCELLED!!! DURING SCHOOL HOURS! PHONE GOT TAKEN BY TEACHER, I HAD TO COME IN AND SIGN FOR IT.

See - as much as we would like to think - they are JUST CHILDREN.

Sunset Monologue 158

2006-02-14T19:34:00.000-05:00

I'm Sending You This Valentine

I had to come home and take it back to the old school and pull out some REAL music. I needed Stephfanie Mills singing "I Feel Good All Over" I needed Anita crooning "Sweet Love" - you know how it is.

As I took the elevator downstairs - I figured it was one of my co-workers husbands, planning his attack. This happens often. I step out and my heart went pitter patter - it was LA's Finest!! Yep - standing there looking so fine with a single rose and a card. How absolutely wonderful! Man this period right here - it's worth every messed up time you've ever had - just to go thru the first 8 weeks of meeting someone, lol. Especially, when they are excited as well. So we both skipped our happy asses out the building and took a little walk and did a little kissing and as I felt my legs getting weak, I knew it was time to go on back in the building. Having my "Waiting to Exhale Moment" I know he looking at my ass - I strolled on back in.

As the elevator closed I heard someone loud as hell calling my whole name like my Daddy. I open back up the elevator so 'Militant Facilities' can get his crazy behind in. He is my ace at the job, because we are eye to eye about keeblers, lol and he keeps me abreast of what's happening in the building. So of course - he's stood up on the balcony and peeped the whole thing - "Who is that Negro?! Look at You Miss Pam - putting yo thang down" I couldn't do nothing but laugh. He's a hot mess and he knows it.

Well the rest of that day was shot to hell - - What a wonderful gesture - - a man not afraid of the light.

(looking to my left and right, because I know haters and they smell blood) Yep, those who find my personality too 'soft' for them, whispered little things about it's always like this in the beginning, let's see if they make it past three months. Pam's too happy for her own good, she acting like a school girl. Hmmm, ain't that interesting - remember, it's just about time for me to do some winter cleaning, I'm taking names. It's always interesting, how happiness presents a threat to people. I'm just living my life like it's Golden Baby - sometimes it's shined up quite nicely and sometimes it's a bit tarnished, the goal is to recognize it's worth regardless.

Well I hope (I've done some skimming and I see some good stories developing from my blogfriends, lol) that your day went well - and regardless of recognition or not from others - I hope that YOU took a moment to validate how special YOU are.

Oh and.....

Was it wrong to tell AtlNewbian Sista to bring her PJ's Saturday - cause I don't think I'll be coming home? LOL LOL LOL

Sunshine Monologue 165

2006-02-14T09:53:00.000-05:00

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

THIS IS FOR THE LOVER IN YOU!

THIS IS FOR THE HATERS!

On the real though - we are all fully aware that this day was conceived in the vein of commercialism - but don't let that or your issues get in the way of enjoying the day. We know we like 'days', lol So stop fronting.

Be bold and give a complete stranger a smile, a wink or just a good attitude. If you've been busy - take a moment and call yo momma and say Mom I love yah! Sure we should be giving and loving 365 days a year - but we all know it don't even happen like that - so take this day to jumpstart your cold hearted ass and reach out and touch....somebody's hand...ok ok - I'll give Diana a rest, lol

Have a good one ya'll!

Sunset Monologue 157

2006-02-12T20:56:00.000-05:00

Pixie Dust

Ever have an instant where you just really need your girl. That was the way I was feeling as I drove at break neck speed out to "Janets" this afternoon. I just wanted to look her in the eye and have her hold my hand while I told her some stuff, you only tell your girlfriend. Reason number 275 why I so enjoy being female - the capacity to feel freely.

It was as if Pixie Dust was sprinkled on my weekend folks. A 'friend' joked (sarcastically) that they know when I'm feeling a man because I get to writing poetry, singing songs and just over the top with mine. Well surprising, even to myself, for the most part I'm keeping this close to me. Letting it blossom privately, keeping ya'll niggas guessing, lol.

The Epiphany - you are never to old to explore. Always continue to explore your wants, needs and desires. Continue to validate them and tweek them if necessary, but stay true to them. Every day has the capacity to bring an opportunity for you to get bits and pieces of what you need - sometimes without you even knowing you need it.

I'll just sum it up by saying, the experience was as if two people who had their own private sorrows (and we all got em) made so much joy together, that for that moment in time - all was healed - all was ok.

Of course, I had to add the flavor that is Pammie and give ya'll a musical summary of the weekend, lol.

Sunshine Monologue 164

2006-02-10T10:35:00.000-05:00

Friday Floetry

"to be nobody-but-yourself-in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." - c.e. cummings

What an epiphany that quote was! This edumacation is paying off, lol. Good morning people! I hope that your week went well and that you are anticipating what is officially Valentine's Day Weekend 2006 (since it falls on a Tuesday).

For the playas and playettes - Wednesday was your cut off to downsize your stables, now you stuck with who you got, lol So I'll see yah at the dollar store - they got cards 2/$1.00.

I don't have anything profound to speak on today. Just some odds and ends to take up space. Someone cracked when I had writers block that it seems I don't have blog writing block and my priorities are off. You know it's so interesting - I didn't take it as an assault on me, I took it as Hateration on the Blog. I'm enjoying being challenged to write because someone told me to as opposed to because I want to. I really think I'm about to do another round of cleaning house folks fucking up my vibe - I tell yah!

So anyway, have a wonderful wonderful weekend (I am shivering with anticipation for the coming weeks blog entries - I can't wait to see how many of ya'll have a I ain't got a Valentine blog breakdown, lol and I might have a breakdown just because - who knows, lol)

I am nigga rich today and I won't spend it all in one place

I have been sitting here calculating the cost of having a girl and just gave up. Both of us desire the same thing - both of us will be sitting in the Manicurist chair this evening getting our nails and feet done; both of us sit in the hairdresser chair; both of us drool at the mall - this is going to be a long next 7 years or so.

I'm going to put mini-me out her misery and allow her to get a cell phone. I'll be working up the rules and regulations at work today - I'm sure she's going to faint - but she didn't get 10 demerits and she got 6 A's on her progress report and Her standardized test show she's overall performing on a 10th grade level but her language and english skills is freshman in COLLEGE. Her behaviour has been good as well, so I'll get it for her.

I just realized there's no denying it - Mini-Me is privledged. She's not spoiled, but she pretty much gets 90% of what she wants. I hope this doesn't come back to haunt me........

Why was I outbid on four digital camcorders on Ebay?! Those folks are serious about their bidding!! Damn!

I've discovered that I don't like to meet, lol Can we stop having meetings?

I'm ultra cute today in my $3.00 boot cut jeans with the frayed waistline - I got on sale, lol

I really need to start using my Insurance. I was able to get two eye exams, contacts and new lens and frames for Mini-me for $40!

Like I said I ain't got shit to talk about, lol lol Have a good one!!!

Sunshine Monologue 163

2006-02-09T08:57:00.000-05:00

Rules of Engagement

Blog Musical Mood: Family Affair - Sly and the Family Stone

"Do you enjoy Valentine's Day?" Awww shit! As I sat there hemmming and hawingg and recalling some lame Valentine story from yesteryear, I was having an internal R. Kelly Moment "my mouth is telling him noooooooo - but my mind is telling him yesssssssss". Welcome to the current 'Rules of Engagement' when it comes to the dating thing. These rules are the blueprint basically for remaining as neutral as you possibly can. I say it's a way to become and stay emotionally constipated.

Over the years I've examined and forced myself to abide by some of the rules, because some of them are valid, but the majority of them are straight bullshit. It seems that the only area that is wide open currently when it comes to 'getting to know someone' is that you can talk, hint, remind, harass and make it known as often and frequently as you want anything of a sexual nature. Everything else is OFF LIMITS.

This also seems to be a hetrosexual thing. The LGBT community seems to embrace the importance of interpersonal relationships. They greet, meet and sing their happiness from the highest rooftop! Joy to the world - a match is born! They seem not afraid to let someone know that they are interested, that they care, that they are excited about a person. Even if it ends terribly, they go into it with sunshine and lillies, lol. On the other hand, the 'Rules of Engagement' keep most hetrosexuals on such the straight and narrow, it can take months even years to even figure out if the person likes you!

Alot of these rules are skewed to keep women in check. Some men have presented a front that they are devoid of emotion, that women come and go and that love doesn't live with them anymore. So it behooves us women to act the same. Except we wern't built to act like that. I, for one, attest to and take great joy in saying "God is a Man" when I have a man interested in me, the sun shines brighter, my disposition is better, my smile is brighter, I sleep better, my other interpersonal relationships are more lively and things just go right. If I'm interested, I enjoy interacting, getting giggly, doing the HS thing. but I best not tell or over exhibit that to said man or I would break all the rules and we wouldn't want to do that now would we? (rolling my eyes).

You always gotta be on your toes. Always congnizant of conversation do's and don't for fear Bro runs for the hills. For example:

You can certainly can tell a man that you can suck the chrome off a electra 225 the first day you meet him, but you need not say "Hey I really am looking forward to what the future might hold for us

You can certanly call a man at 12:45am and let him know you just got out the shower and you're all 'moist', but you need not call a man more than once every other day just to say I'm thinking about you (especially not in the first six weeks)

You can certainly tell a man that you like doing it in front of a plate glass window, but you need not tell a man you like anything else that might be construed as...romantic

As well as the following words/phrases/actions shall never leave thy lips within the first 6-8 weeks:

Future

Love - don't use this word AT ALL

Relationship

Commitment

Projecting pass 48 hours in advance as in: You meet in winter and say "This summer, I bet we could go to the beach"

Invite yourself anywhere with them

Tell more than 2 people you even KNOW the person

In all fairness, Men are under alot of pressure as well. There might be 'feelings' or 'excitement' they feel about a person that are not within the legal time limit to feel anything or they can't express it due to societal pressures they endure. You know the fact that Yes that stripper did wink at you, so you better not get with that woman cause she is gonna one day want you, or we know Halle isn't really seeing anyone, so you better make sure you don't tell ole girl you like her, cause I sent your number in a bottle and she might get it.

That's why it's so hard to get off of the internet - you think you might 'miss' something - because alot of men have been conditioned in this society that to admit that someone interests you is a sign of weakness and men themselves have bought into the notion that they are obligated to seek out and be in the company of as many women as possible, because after all, there aren't enough of them (men) to go around.

Why can't we all just be ourselves. God made us to be together - so if you find someone that really peaks your interest - why can't you just say it, feel it and enjoy it. Fuck what folks say you should be doing. If you wanna become a couple after three dates, then dammit do it! - folks be hatin anyway. If you wanna spend all your time talking and laughing and being with that person - then dammit do it! If you wanna call and say 'damn you fucking my head up, I'm thinking about you" then dammit do it! If you meet someone Monday and go and get them a small card just expressing the fact that they make you smile on Tuesday (which is Valentines Day) then dammit do it! This goes for men and women. We've put up so many barriers and walls and what not that we have all boxed our own damn selves into a corner. What ever is going to happen is going to happen anyway - so express yourself, let another human being know (as our elders used to say) that they got your 'nose open'.

And I'd just like to say for the record:

I LOVE VALENTINES DAY!
I LOVE LETTING SOMEONE I'M INTERESTED IN KNOW THAT THEY ARE SPECIAL TO ME!
I BOUGHT LA's FINEST A CARD!
So there!!

Sunshine Monologue 162

2006-02-08T09:30:00.000-05:00

O Brother Where Art Thou

Blog Musical Mood: My Life - Mary J. Blidge

The other day I got an email from my younger brother. It always amazes me that he actually is able to maneuver the information highway, even if it is to send me a picture of a woman being violated by a horse (insert appropriate facial and vocal response). However, the thing I noticed more than that was on several emails, there was an address that was familiar, that of my older brother. Yep I have an older brother. One I haven't spoken to in um 7 or so years if not longer. I wonder if this was his actual email address. I had written it before to no response. I've sent mail thru traditional means to no avail. What happened you ask? Well in a nutshell - he and I were very very close coming up, he was my bonafide hero. I looked up to him and was very protective of his well being as he was mine.

A series of things began to happen that basically fucked with his psyche. I've talked before about the fact that I believe the theory that Mike J. was just sensitive and wasn't able to take what maybe another person could. I have a great amount to fortitude about some things, but apparently my brother did not. Around this time, he also met a series of women who did NOT have his best interest at heart. I spoke to him about this situation, but as we know affairs of the heart can break up the closest folks.

I remember exactly what went down. I was visiting his home. His wife at the time was point blank nasty. I was amazed (especially coming from the 'Man is King' upbringing he came from) how he was so submissive to the idea that he should work 60+ hours a week then come home where a stay at home wife has done NOTHING, he cooked, cleaned etc. for himself. The final straw was, the strips from the sanitary napkin laying exposed on the dresser. I got home and spoke to him about it and he went and told her what I said. She effectively banned me from coming to her home and speaking to him and surprisingly he went with that. As a matter of fact, it got to the point that he stopped speaking to everyone in the family and outside of his very recent communication (though VERY stilted) with his mother - we don't hear from him. Not a hello, how yah doing?, Wha I got a nieces and nephews - - nothing.

In the beginning I was very tortured about this and was very angry, then the anger turned to self because maybe I should have never said anything, then it just became I'll resolve this within myself and move on with life. Which is where I am at now. He's not even with the woman anymore - so that's a mute point. I would think, especially after all these years and after I have offered olive branch after olive branch - he would maybe make contact.

What is the kicker of all this - he has an ex girlfriend from many moons ago - that in the meantime in between time he has maintained a friendship with that spans over 20 years now. She has access to him and guards it like it's the answer to world peace or something. A couple of times important family information needed to get to him (regardless of his response) and I've had to go through her to get it to him. I no longer even ask for his information anymore. I have always found that situation the most fustrating of all. She and I are friends as well, but she's loyal to him like I've never seen folks be loyal.

So there you have it. I think about him often - what does he look like? Is he taking care of himself? Has he found any peace in his life yet? I would like to tell him about how I'm doing, have him see his niece - you know stuff like that. I don't even know his last three children at all, never even seen a picture of them (but then again neither has his own momma).

If I were to talk to him, I think I would really have to swallow deeply because yes my first inclination is to cuss him slam the fuck out. However, I won't...I just wanna say how are you my brother?

Sunshine Monologue 161

2006-02-07T15:36:00.000-05:00

Swing Low Sweet Chariot

Well I'm about to go here and I want to preface it with I am not disrespecting the dead, but I am questioning how we put the dead to rest. I've been, like the rest of America, watching and listening to the 'homecoming' of our dearly departed Mrs. Coretta Scott King. It has been going on for the past week. Now since 11am est this morning the actual furneral. I printed out the 28 page program because I want to put it up with my paper the day Princess Diana died, my paper of the Day Mike got burned on the Pepsi Set, My paper of Tupac being shot and killed etc. etc. These are important passages in my lifetime.

HOWEVER, as we roll into the FOURTH HOUR of this. I'm getting agitated. Exactly how long does it take to bury someone? Now let me say off the bat that me not being Christian, maybe I just don't get it, we get our bodies in the ground immediately as the Jews do. This poor woman has had folks gawking at her body for darn near a week now. How much longer must her children see her in that......box? Couldn't this have been done after a small private furneral? Shouldn't this have been done, say after the first stroke when she could have known before she DIED in this big wonderful way - what she meant to us and the world? Seems a bit after the fact, except I do understand the concept that no matter what she did, it pales to this 'homecoming' (yes you can insert me rollin my eyes at this point and sarcasm is duly noted).

They shut down Dekalb Cty schools due to security risks and the fact that we can't drive in the summer on dry road with us being the only one on the road Lord knows we can't drive now. For the first time in I can't even remember - we are getting all day traffic reports.

I'm kinda sitting over in the cut, keeping to myself about this - you gotta be careful about this subject because it ranks in the top three of things to not discuss with negroes right up there with their minister and their intrepretation. But I've just come to my handy dandy blog to say LET THIS WOMAN REST!!!

They will be showing a repeat of the furneral at 8pm est on CSPAN

Sunset Monologue 157

2006-02-05T19:56:00.000-05:00

Jerome Pass Me A Mirror

Blog Musical Mood: Next Lifetime - Baduism Live - Erykah Badu

That meme from the other day makes me want to add some new stuff to my MP3 player, which I will do after I finish this post.

Weekend went A-OK. Today is my Mother AND my oldest Niece's Birthday! Happy Birthday!

I hung out on Saturday with 'AtlNewbian'. We had a nice time. We did some thrifting and had lunch and then came back here and watched "Deuce Bigelow - European Gigolo" and that was a RIOT!

We also went to the mall and I had to acknowledge as we were walking around that I am going thru a serious ME period. Now rumor has it among the family unit that I am ALWAYS going thru a ME period, lol, however that's survival this is a real ME period that is based on just taking time out to celebrate and accept my damn self. I have been seeing clothes, jewelry, shoes, lingerie etc. that is just screaming my name and I want to continue treating myself to some things. This is a two-fold situation: (1) Gently turning so much of the focus off Queen Mini-me and enjoying some of the spoils of my own labor on myself and (2) I sometimes have 'hid' behind rhetoric to disguise my 'fear'. I spoke in a previous blog about my issue with the mall and how I was going to overcome that. Well alot of that revolved around 'body image' and the weight I've gained. I used to put off being cute and accepting me NOW waiting on that situation to rectify itself. Well no more. I know what looks good on me and compliments me - so why not do just that....compliment me. I like this feeling and I'm picking me up a couple more staple pieces (like I really need a pair of boot cut jeans) and take my size 16 ass right on up and beyond!

LA's Finest and I didn't connect this weekend - stuff a bit chaotic in his world, but he called and we talked a couple of times and I had to giggle that he called as he said to "check in and let me know what was up with him". It dawned on us both we've been dating a month now. Where did that time go? The crazy part is that up until this morning - I wasn't convinced he was really feeling me. That's how out of the loop I have been concerning the man woman thing. I'm still actually uptight in terms of, how freely can I feel to call, how freely can I feel to speak of him to others, how freely can I be with him. I'm so accustomed to stuff going to the left - - and that my friends is such a crying shame.

On another note, Mobetta (yes that's a name you haven't heard in awhile) has managed as ONLY an Alpha Male can even begin to conceive, to slowly and steadily start pulling himself from the prone position he's been in for months now. I am praying and have been praying for his speedy return and it seems as if it's working. We are in a space where because it became really taxing for a minute, we are kinda tipping around each other or at least he is tipping around me. He knows about the saying 'with each passing day'. I don't ever count him out of the equation because life can sure be funny sometimes and he's just that arrogrant, but right now..in all honesty..it's not really in the forefront of my mind..but who knows?

I've come to the realization that I am a soup/stew kinda person,lol I pulled out the remains of my Thanksgiving turkey I had froze and made some quite delicious Turkey Noodle soup this past week.
Tonite however, I felt like cooking so I whipped up some greens and bbq beef ribs and heated up some low fat freezer mac and cheese, lol It was a good Sunday Dinner.

At said dinner 'mini-me' slid a deficiency letter across the table for me to sign. Apparently she has a C in...HOMEROOM! What the Hell!? Of course the first thing up in this piece to go until I get some better understanding is.....TV, and I'm going to take the mix stick away in the evening. It says she's not doing or making up her homework, she swears there is no homework in homeroom. I'll get to the bottom of this. Silencing her world however, is the way to go.

Oh and to end this rambling mess, lol Is a picture of my first summer 2006 shoe purchase. Whew this is gonna look hot with a very cute dress. This might even make the birthday clothes change rotation.

and don't forget to watch our girl Raven in the Lifetime Movie "For One Night" premiering tomorrow on Lifetime at 9pm. Just in time for black history - let's INTERGRATE the prom!

Sunshine Monologue 160

2006-02-03T13:31:00.000-05:00

Music on my mind

Courtesy of Phat Lady, this is a meme I quite enjoyed! I've really been feeling music lately. Hell I've been feeling all kinds of stuff lately. Life in technicolor! I've been so stressless and it's all been about a decision to just not be that way. Now like most life, I'm sure there is going to be some downhill bobsledding - life certainly follows a certain path - but my goal is to keep the even keel going for longer and longer periods. We determine, whether we admit it or not, when the downward spiral begins to happen. I'm focusing more and more on keeping it even keeled for as long as I can balance it and then WHAM! Come on down, lol lol

So here's my musical Meme and yes 'Whoop That Trick' gets it just due.

A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS...

1) A favorite political track.

SELF DESTRUCTION
Stop the Violence All-Stars
This is the signature line on my email accounts.

2) One of those tracks that make you dance on the dancefloor no matter what.

Wanna Be Startin Something - Michael Jackson

3) The song you’d use to tell someone you love them.

I Love Me Some him - Toni Braxton

4) A song that has made you sit down and analyze it’s lyrics.

If I Were Your Girlfriend - Prince

5) A song that you like, that a two year old would like as well.

Jump - Kriss Cross

6) A song that gives you an energy boost.

Whoop That Trick - Dee Jay/Hustle and Flow Soundtrack

7) A song that you and your grandparents (would probably) like.

This Little Light Of Mines

8) A song that you really liked when you were 14-16, and still really like now.

The entire Jackson Discography

9) A sad song that would be in the soundtrack of the movie about your life.

We Fall Down and We Get Up - Donnie Mcclurkin

10) A peppy song that would start the opening credits of the movie about your life.

Hey Mikki - Toni Brazel or Lose My Breath - Destiny's Child

11) A good song from a genre of music that no one would guess that you liked.

The entire Chris Gaines a/k/a Garth Brooks CD

12) A song that you think should have been playing when you were born.

Fear of a Black Planet - Public Enemy

13) A favorite artist duo collaboration.

Ain't No Mountain - Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell

14) A favorite song that you completely disagree with (politically, morally, commonsensically, religiously etc.)

All of the Crunk and Snap Music Genre of Music

15) The song that you like despite the fact your IQ level drops several points every time you listen to it.

See Number 14, lol

16) Your smooth song, for relaxing.

I have entire artists I chill with - currently Dwele, Kindred and Kem

16a Favorite Song to Bone to:

A combo: 12 play by R. Kelly and then 24 Play by Janet Jackson

17) A song you would send to someone you hate or are mad at.

Whoop That Trick - Dee Jay/Hustle and Flow Soundtrack

17a Favorite PMS Song(s):

See Number 17

18) A favorite track from an outfit considered a “super-group.”

Concentrate On You - LTD

19) A song that makes you reminsce about good times with a family member.

Feels Good - Tony, Toni, Tone

20) Your favorite song at this moment in time.

I Think I love You - Dwele
I Gotta Go - Trey Songz
Lil Bit More - Jon Astin
That song by Robin Thicke
Oh I think they like me - Dem Francise boyz
Lean With It - D4L

Sunshine Monologue 159

2006-02-02T13:16:00.000-05:00

B.S. from the M.S.

Blog Musical Mood: Lean wit it, Rock wit it - Dem Franchise Boys

"Mommy go to bed" It was that bad last night folks, as I was passed out sitting up on the couch - school books in hand. I trudge on however because I"m looking forward to climbing in my bed early tomorrow night and crashing OUT! Oh, and let me say - I'm not thinking of dropping out. I just got there! Just verbally expressing what's going on with that. Thanks for the words of encouragement.

Time for a general download of little tidbits that take up space in my mind:

So Terrance Howard got nominated for an Academy Award (Oscar). I am tingling at the anticipation of the Orchestra playing any chord of "It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp" I would pass out if "Whoop That Trick" graced the stage. Whew, I'mma have to make sure I scroll on thru.

OK OK, I just realized the Superbowl is on Sunday and I still am not completely clear on who's playing. I think I'll sit this one out. Obviously it hasn't been on my radar

Should we think of Roger Troutman as a visionary? His "Computer Love" was YEARS before it actually came to fuition.......we were all trying to figure out how to use prodigy and I think this song even precursed that.

I work near Emory University, Children's Hospital and the CDC, well apparently this is also the humans can't die from car hits zone. Folks just walk out in the street as if they are immune to the pain of me hitting their asses. Maybe it's because they are Drs./Scientists etc. they feel invincible - but they need to watch out!

Some of my favorites are back on TV: Survivor, Amazing Race and America's Next Top Model are all on the horizon. good!

Don't get caught up in the hype that is Black History Month - continue to live it, breathe it and be it 265 days a year and refer to Babee Munkees if there should be a need to institute the Slap a Keebler Rule during this time - it can happen......

Mini-me wants to go to the dance - I want to curl up and DIE

LA's Finest is starting to make me have visions of sugar plums dancing in my head, lol not to mention a faint hint of a song starting in other regions, lol

I made Employee Spotlight at my job - I hope I stay under the radar, but evidenced by the multiple emails and stops in the hall and the declaration of the team that did the interview that it was the best since the inception of the column (which leads me to believe it was a good piece of Colonial White Bread to begin with, lol) that might not happen.

What do you enjoy most about working for the Society?
I enjoy working with other people in my department. I like the fact that we are all on the same page about our mission for the ACS.

What is your secret ambition?
It was to be Michael Jackson groupie. I like the music, but I’m a little upset with the man.

What was your last major purchase?
My new cell phone. It has all the bells and whistles.

What was your most embarrassing moment?
I was at the gas station pumping gas and this Bell South truck pulled up and these good looking men got out. I tried to be cute but as I stepped over the gas line my heel caught my skirt and yanked it down. I was standing there in my slip at the gas pump. We all had a good laugh about that.

What book is on your night table?
I’m reading psychology textbooks. Some of them are interesting. I’ll probably need therapy after this.

What is your idea of a perfect day?
Alive, breathing, sane, active, happy – and the opposite sex.

What’s your guilty pleasure?
My guilty pleasure is “crunk” music because I look like I would not listen to that. It’s quite entertaining to see me roll the windows down and see my car jumping.

Sunshine Monologue 158

2006-02-01T09:59:00.000-05:00

I'mma Let Him Check Up On It

Blog Musical Mood: Eyes Without A Face - Billy Idol

Vague: Not clearly expressed; inexplicit.; Not thinking or expressing oneself clearly;Lacking definite shape, form, or character

Now people, lol lol Let's look at my track record as outlined on the blogspot. You know why I am being vague about Broman, lol but, due to popular demand and the fact I am kinda excited - why not roll Bro out. If it goes left - it goes left.

Previously on the Blogspot:

Why is it that the best conversation you've had in awhile - belongs to a man who is soo busy nothing can really jump off between you two - yet you are intrigued. What irony - which I think is reserved...just for me."- Sunset Monologue 150 He made time......

How come this man got me giggling like a freaking school girl - I'm a Grown Ass Woman?!

His skin is so smooth, his smile so bright. I just wanna hold his hand as this warm fire engulfs us both. The place I'm in is calm coming from within - so whatever happens, I'm just a floating, so I"m sure I'll land gently

I overheard some conversation he made at 'the club' and found it intriguing - so I sent a cocktail napkin over. Well time passed and I stopped hanging at the club, but in the beginning you do check in because as soon as you are gone is when folks start clamoring for your attention. It has been blossoming from that point.

This 37 year old divorcee, 5'11, dark dark chocolate, slim,but not thin brother we shall from this entry forward call "LA's Finest" because that's where he's from. He is a Brother with a plan working two jobs, owning a business and going to school in addtion to his role as Father and Step Father.

This weekend will make the third weekend we've gone out and we've already made tentative plans for the following weekend. Going out with this brother is such a pleasure to the senses. He always looks good (Ladies he wears cuff links - how sexy is THAT?!), he smells good, his conversation is wonderful and engaging and the following sentences have not come out of his mouth:

So when is the last time you had sex?

Do you get down with women?

Do you like oral sex

Are You Open-Minded

these questions consitute the most common questions asked of me by men I've met

He also is so attentive! I've had to totally revamp and move into the space where I can be the woman out on a date. He opens doors, holds my coat, let's me walk on the inside, plans every facet of the dates we've had, walks me to my car when it's over and opens that door for me, calls me to make sure I got home okay, calls me at least once daily to say hello, all those little things that you become used to not getting because it's always just a chess match to see how long you can avoid aggressive sexual overtures.

This is in it's infancy stages, but I feel good about it. He's been more focused, attentive, up front and consistent about his interest in four weeks than anyone I've tried to date in the past year. I look forward to hearing from him and want to date him some more. And did I say he was FINE!

So there you have it. I look no further than the following week and hope for the best. I have had no analytical stretch of over examining this. He could be the person who just sets the tipped over cart upright or he could be the one - don't know and don't care - I am just so enjoying the brother right here, right now.

Oh and definite bonus points go to the fact that (1) He likes Oxtails (2) His song is "Oh I think they like me" and (3) he's about perserving his sexiness. WORKS FOR ME!!

Sunshine Monologue 157

2006-01-31T12:34:00.000-05:00

Playing My Instrument - Making My Own Band

Blog Musical Mood: Celebrating Phyllis Hyman this Morning

How in the world are yah?! I think this is the longest I've went without blogging. I was soo missing it...really. I've been journaling - but there is something about projecting outward that I was missing. So yes this might be a bit longer than usual (breaking a coupla of blog rules) but these past couple of days have been chocked full of good stuff.

This weekend marked the Honda Battle of the Bands at the Georgia Dome. 10 Schools - 10 drumlines - 4 hours of the best of black colleges and universities. Having grown up in the South, this is like Tractor Pulling for Keeblers, lol. We come out! 70,000 strong! (well okay maybe 68,000 of us and 2,000 other). I took Mini-me and her friend. We had pretty good seats as well. We could see the field good, or we could just turn around and watch the jumbotron. Now of course out of said 68.000 - my seat was located next to....Boonquisha's....PARENTS. Which is way worse than Boonquisha herself. The pungent order of old booze, cigarettes and just old funk assaulted my nose to no end. Not to mention they had travel coffee mugs that had more Khaula than Coffee, no doubt, lol. My people! My people! Their kinfolk were in attendance as well and I have to say that along with the weave - I hope that 2006 marks the end of Negro Grunge. It was interesting in the beginning but now it's just trfiling. This unkept, I just rolled out of bed look is NOT CUTE! why are the females dressing up and the males looking like they just got out of solidary confinement is beyond me? Not to mention, if this unkept, uncombed, wrinkled clothed person was trying to talk to me, I'd be walking the other way. The dude I was sitting around actually smelled.....musty as in his clothes hadn't been washed and it was EVIDENT he got them off the floor - exactly what is this suppose to be about?

Now folks know I have prejudices and an event that brings them out heavily is one like this. I'mma need the following things to cease and desist IMMEDIATELY! (1)The severly obese as front line girls i.e flag girls, majorettes etc. The entire concept that everyone should be included has messed up alot of things. There was a time where you had to 'aspire' and be 'prepared' to participate in some things. This was one of them. 140lb SOLID should be the cut-off point..sorry. (2) The we all must have weave is a bit played as well. There was a time it needed to come from your scalp. We are cute as a people with what God gave us (and I like wigs so I'm not overly tripping on this one), but it seems as if now it's about being able to swing hair. (3) Women Drum Majors - no comment (4) Fat people as live jokes - I know I know, I said I don't want them being flag girls but I also don't want them being the butt of the joke. If one more I'm 400 pounds and can do one half step negro comes out BBQ grill in hand.........

I've begun identifying myself as a 'humorist'. Life itself offers so much fodder, there is no need to focus on anything else. My writing has evolved from journaling, a stint in erotica (basically short stories) and now blogging. However, I think my niche is in this type of writing. I mention this because the whole Newspaper column thing, I'm rethinking. Why? because it's not really my thing to speak 'to the people' in a 'what you should be doing' type manner. I live my example as opposed to columnize about it. Constantly expounding on things from a Cultural standpoint is not something I want to spend alot of time doing - I don't believe that's my mission. I'm not an activist like that. I'm wayy more introspective and among the people, who at this point KNOW what the hell they should be doing. I can hear it in the 'voice' that they would like me to be more representative of their legacy and I have to be representative of mine, no matter how non-descript it may be. I've worked so hard at standing as a separate entity that I am firm about it being accepted at this point. It's a hard place to be in because it seems (and this is just classic mother/daughter psychosis) that never overtly but subtly it just isn't.......enough, it's never quite in the right direction - - and at this point - - I'm not really entertaining that. It will cause me to close back up and keep what I got going on over here where I reside. I opened up a bit, but I feel more comfortable...to the left. So I'll be letting this marinate

Ahhh, I need to examine exactly what type of crack I was smoking when I decided to go back to school. I'm doing okay, running an A average in this first class - but I want to take a look at who am I doing this for? It seems as if status quo is never enough, but what if it's enough for you? Despite your bitching and moaning - you recognize that you are doing SOMETHING even if it isn't the DAMN THING. When I get this degree, what is in it for me outside of slide two of the powerpoint on the benefits of a college degree. Is it just about accomplishing something bigger than me? Will this guarantee that my child will want to go to College? Will it open any doors for me? Will it advance my mental capacity? Will this degree - just open a door to something else 'the voice' would gently nudge about? These are things I am pondering

His skin is so smooth, his smile so bright. I just wanna hold his hand as this warm fire engulfs us both. The place I'm in is calm coming from within - so whatever happens, I'm just a floating, so I"m sure I'll land gently

Soo....why is Heather Headly's song playing in the recesses of my mind.....just let life unfold, I no longer have to jump through hoops. I'm walking, and no longer sitting twiddling my thumbs. If it's you they want, then they must throw caution to the wind - - because I are floating in the breeze of life and no longer want to be weighed down in the possibility - who would have thought 'possibility' was such a heavy word?

Finally......

R.I.P Sista Coretta.

Sunshine Monologue 71

2006-01-30T13:03:00.000-05:00

It's about to bubble over

DON'T THINK I'VE FORGOTTEN ABOUT YA'LL - JUST BEEN HELLA BUSY, BUT BELIEVE YOU ME - I HAVE BEEN JOTTING DOWN SOME GOOD STUFF - SO LOOK FOR ME SPILLING IT TO YAH SOON.

Besides - I'm sure many of you are happy my life is expanding and daily blogging has to make way for...DAILY LIVING!

Sunset Monologue 156

2006-01-26T21:15:00.000-05:00

Blog Musical Mood: Spend my life with you - Eric Benet/Tamia

Man let me say - folks writing some good entries on the blog spot lately. I'm enjoying reading it. I am stretching myself tighter than a Tranny's g-string, but I'm enjoying it, I really am. I feel like God is giving me my five mintues of direct linkage to Him so I better use it wisely you know? So while I sit here eating some Mayfield Butter Pecan let me download.

Ahh Jamie....well first off, if Clay Atkins can have a special then hell to the yeah so can he. However, unlike actors etc. a 'sexy singer' has to have this certain 'it' and unfortunately from my minds eye - Jamie doesn't have that. He has overall star quality, but he's not moving me like say a...Fantasia or a Kanye. Jamie is really good as the I got your back guy, but he was not ready to carry no hour long special - - it repeats tomorrow at 8pm est.

So the twins from Georgia who got arrested after their appearance on "American Idol" got a record deal from So So Def. Now there yah go - do bad and then get rewarded, ain't Amerikka grand!

Little prob with on-line school. I'm a social person and so the realization of the fact that basically I'm going to school by my damn self - caught me off guard. I had this impression that maybe once a week, we'd 'meet' in real time with the teacher in a chat room format and interact with one another etc. etc. It's week two and I really haven't connected with anyone during our 'assignments' You just go in and write what you need to and answer two or three folks and that's it. I come on every day to see if someone is interacting with me and so far not yet. Okayyy! I got an 'essay' due Monday. Otherwise things are going okay. I am struggling with 'reading motivation' but it's coming along. It's coming along.

LOGO is giving us Black History a la Fabulous style starting Feb 3rd with "Paris is Burning" They are having a whole set of programming and I can't wait! This has got to be quite interesting

Be prepared for a Busy Sunday blog entry - because I have an off the chain weekend planned
new 'overseer' reporting on Monday - I need to do some deep knee bends

Trying to get the 'help' to be productive is a full time job. I called my favorite Eye Dr. (He couldn't be my gyno because I'd faint he too fine for that)because it's time to go back to wearing contacts. I'm thru with this portion of my self-acceptance. Apparently, he has himself a new front desk person who he must have hired from the Adult Challenged into the real world program. DAMN!! She was working MY NERVES!!

preparing mentally for a 14 hour train ride - - Can't even get a good drink in because it's to a religious event. I'm sure you all are biting your nails in anticipation of these pictures, lol

I'm going to have to cop Keisha Cole's CD - I'm digging her

I was told this book HERE and this book HERE were reads I should turn down, of course I'll also be squeezing these in the mix, lol

Oh and I'm still QUITE GIGGLY!! I got two good topics, I need to write about.

Sunset Monologue 155

2006-01-25T16:37:00.000-05:00

Um, Mr. Chico Stick

Blog Musical Mood: "Laffy Taffy"

My mind is bereft of wittiness today, lol I am just in a place where it's really cool right now - I'm pleased...with me. Why do I feel like I'm about to have to start wearing my 'I might get some and it be good' drawers - - (don't you just love all these hints I'm giving, lol - I don't want to jinx it, so if it continues, I'll fill ya'll in)... I turned in my first piece for the "Philadelphia Real News" and so we'll see how that goes. I was going to the game, but they decided to have it away and I couldn't make it in time - Atlanta Traffic! I see some shopping off in the horizon - YES!

FINALLY - -

They call him Jolly Rancher cause he stays so hard!!

8:48PM EST

SPECIAL ADDTION TO TONITE'S BLOG:

I tell yah mini-me is gonna get me into celebrity yet, lol lol If I could ever be at the right place at the right time.

She had to dance at the game tonite and at the last minute the game became an 'away' game - so they had to travel. 6th graders aren't allowed to travel, but because they had promised the girls - they took them.

Well they called the parents 10 minutes before it was time to get on the freaking bus and Atlanta traffic prohibited me from getting to the game.

Long story short - Charles Barkley was at the game, lol why was he at a middle school basketball game - never know - but he was good friends with Sakinah's 6th grade principal so they got to sit with him and talk 'space jam' with him and everyone got his autograph and pictures etc.

Apparently he was VERY nice and very down to earth and Sakinah just kept saying 'mom he was TALL"

Now I'm over here crying because I can't believe I missed a big fine man who knows OTHER BIG FINE MEN!!

Yet - I do have an autograph and an Ebay account.....

Sunset Monologue 154

2006-01-24T23:25:00.000-05:00

Hit Em With The How Come's

Blog Musical Mood: "Ain't Gon Bump No Mo" - Joe Tex

Hey! Just a quickie (which can be quite intense and satisfying).

HOW COME:

I just finished up 2 1/2 chapters to go online and discover she gave us the wrong chapters to read and my first assignment is due on Thursday. Now I need to just read exactly for the assignment - um I'mma need the freaking teacher to do better!

If you KNOW you about to light up the freaking bathroom - you don't go to the last stall!!?!! DAMN! that's why they make that stall!! Why would you use the stall right next to the sink, which is more open and more liable to let the funk out!?!

PTA touted this great educator coming and so I went and it turned out he was the KING of the Methaphors!! Everything was a riddle and why did he cuss in front of the kids?! - - Hmmmmmmm - - at least we got dinner

Someone somewhere is confusing me with someone who enjoys....WORKING?!

Rejected applicants for my attention and affection are doing their 'did you change your mind' calls?

I woke up at 5 a.m. and got mad because there was no one there for some early morning - I'm up, but I don't have to get up yet loving - - DAMN AGAIN

I'm scared to join the schools boot camp - the women were LIMPING!! I would die a painful death I tell yah!

How come I kept yelling "The Blacks" while watching American Idol - thanks Trent, lol

How come this man got me giggling like a freaking school girl - I'm a Grown Ass Woman?!

Sunset Monologue 153

2006-01-23T22:13:00.000-05:00

What's the Rule?

Blog Musical Mood: Can You Feel It? - Jacksons

What a messed up Monday, weather wise. Atlanta folks can barely drive in the sun on dry land, let it rain, lol might as well get a bat and fuck your own car up, avoid the pressure. Otherwise things are going cool.

Took my first test today - got a "B" on my first test and 70% on my writing proficiency. Isn't that interesting? I need 75% to avoid taking 100 series English. What was the tripping point? Grammar. Hmmm, I thought I was using grammar in my day to day life; apparently, not college level. I have to past the test by the end of the course and that I will do, but dang!

That was my first link to the title of this blog entry. My second one is an interesting conversation with someone. Me and 'Morehouse Man' met awhile ago when I was hanging out at another hot spot; it was a conversation that was brief and scattered. We 'reconnected' at the 'club' and exchanged numbers again. We went to lunch once, based on IM conversation. It was a nice lunch. I got the impression neither one of us was overwelmed, but there was no sign of being underwelmed - so cool.

There was a lull - ok; life goes on. So several weeks pass. There are no calls, no ask to go out again etc. etc. So I'm like cool - - moving on in the dating relm. Someone else asks me and shows strong interest, good for him. He calls and asks me again, good for him.

Now a couple of days ago "Morehouse Man" needs a favor. I say I'll look into it, because I understand. Well then we start to chat. There's brief convesation and then he inquires am I cheating on him? I'm looking at the box like huh? I can't cheat on someone who has not made it known I'm their woman, lol.

In a nutshell, I took this opportunity to explain that I don't understand the notion these days that a person is suppose to 'read minds' to figure out what the intent is. If you are interested, then I certainly got no clue as to that! I'm dating, thus I'm continuing to do that - as janky and uneven as my dating life can be - I'm trying to get out there. He explains that, he is interested, but that he is in no financial condition to date and he needs to have his scrilla (that's my urban word of the week folks) straight. So then my thought becomes, so you are mature enough to let that be known - yet you would like your hat thrown into the competition. Well go ahead, because it's not about money, but actions and intent.

He then decides to 'concede' and maybe another time. Okayyyyyy - Did he just make a move and then quit me all in one sentence? I'm at a total loss, as to what that was about. I still say - if a person is interested and neither one of you give any signals that they are a swamp pony then go for yours! PURSUE ME! I hung up the pursuit hat. I'll let you know the coast is clear and that's about it. I'm not calling you all the time, I'm not suggesting going out opportunities, I'm not driving cross country, I'm not doing those things - if you are not doing anything in return.

Have I received a phone call...nope - which to me shows intention, because I've had men be like OH SHIT! and call and put their thang down and recapture my attention.....Oh well, we can be friends. I do need to know him, he has a service I might need for the B'day fandango, but somewhere in there - wires got crossed.

Sunset Monologue 152

2006-01-22T20:54:00.000-05:00

All 32's Just A Showing

Blog Musical Mood: Candy - Cameo

Going Out Saturday Nite

The secret to a resilent life in our kind of world is in knowing how to recycle yourself, over and over, letting go of what is no longer you, taking on new strengths, and shaping new chapters for your life, guiding by your own emerging vision. "What we're seeking is an experience of being alive," "so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive" you are the only one who can open the doors into the next chapter of your life. - LifeLaunch.

And thus begins the spillage of academia into my life. What an intriguing interesting concept to embrace! It fits so in line with where I am at this point in my life.

I give "Holiday" with Queen Latifah the same grade I gave "Hitch" because they had the same problem for me - - a C+. The issue is that when you reach a certain level of 'acceptance' by the Hollywood Machine - as a person of color you are whitewashed to a certain degree, especially if it's seen that you have broad appeal. I mean Samuel L. Jackson has broad appeal, but as a blackman and he doesn't necessarily get out of those roles. Queen and Will have crossed that elusive line where they are no longer 'black' actor/actress - but actor actress and unlike the exhaultation of their non-black counterparts to this sphere, something (to me) is lost in the sauce when we reach this pinnacle. It IS our 'black experience' that adds meat (in my opinion) to storylines. We actually, even though pigeonholed alot of the time, have way more depth than the average white actor. So now we have the Queen - one of my 'sheroes' and I don't have many if any, lol. She has three weeks to live and she goes to....PRAGUE?! HELLO!? She wants to spend her last days on earth in 10 feet of snow with a white chef and other effectively non-ethic bodies?! HUH?! She's dishing out advice to the staff and guests - that is devoid of any flava. It lacked the 'connection' I needed to see. The spark in her eye etc. As much as some of the black relationship movies began to prick at my nerves - I thought all the richness of the 'experience' the characters brought to the table was believable. This really....wasn't.

I won't even use a brain cell to talk about Sanna's new one and the supposed storyline that she falls for....the help....who is....white - when the black blue collar or no collar...wouldn't get....any play....hmmmmmm...there's storyline for yah

I wonder when I see all of the 'we are the world' scenes, where blackmen casually hang all over white women or interact on a intimate level, if not in some room, behind some stage - there is quiet conversation if actress A, extra A 'minds' interacting with a blackman on that level?

'ATL Newbian Queen' - helped a sista out Saturday in a big way. I am grateful and was telling my step mom about how I am just open to communicating and interacting with this sista. I don't know, maybe I'm dealing with my own unresolved 'HER' issues, but I think I'm just paying it forward to a certain extent and I like her and I like her baby and I just know how it can feel to know that someone reached out a hand, ear and what not. I am not trying to be anyone's momma -but I think I can be a good 'big sista' - - we'll see

"Why is it that the best conversation you've had in awhile - belongs to a man who is soo busy nothing can really jump off between you two - yet you are intrigued. What irony - which I think is reserved...just for me."- Sunset Monologue 150 He made time......
W-2's should be showing up soon. Outside of salvaging some of the 32's that are showing - I plan on doing some decorating around this here house. I'm tired of looking at these walls, curtains, bed spreads etc. I'll certainly show you what it will all look like

Um Harvey you are becoming a SOFTEE! I don't want to see so much of your wonderful smile. You need to be getting up in those celebrities asses again!

My Mom has acquired several columns in a Philadelphia African American Paper and she wanted to know if I would like to have a column - well the blog will be going to the masses for real, lol. I have enough fodder on here to piece together a newpaper blog. I thought about calling it 'beating to your own drummer in a band full of savages" but that was too long - so I'm going to think up some things and just clean up some entries from here (since I have over 200) and get it crunk! As soon as I get more information - I'll let yah know where to go check it out

Sunset Monologue 151

2006-01-22T01:59:00.000-05:00

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

He said I had the most beautiful eyes; they were so enchanting he had to look away - - tonite was a good nite.

Sunshine Monologue 70

2006-01-19T16:59:00.000-05:00

People Make The World Go Round

Blog Musical Mood: Hold On - EnVogue

My Peeps! My Peeps! How's it hangin? If this weather don't make most of us sick, I tell yah! Last evening it was 31 degrees and it's like 64 right now, lol. I took me a mental health day today, I have time and I'm going to be using it - bump all that. Schools cool - I am finding it difficult to.....care about what the textbook says,lol. I am going to fight the urge to start examining things based on some stuff I read in the book, but it may pop up. As well as, I am not going to drag you all thru everyday of school, lol Just give me a minute to get used to....ok?

So last nite Mini-me shook her groove thang NOT LIKE THIS HOWEVER and it went well. I somewhat chuckle at the fact she wasn't raised in an environment where any real emphasis or praise was put on dancing - as a matter of fact - I'm of the school, you don't have to use your body in an enticing way to enjoy dancing etc. Well she can dance no question, but she's not....gut bucket (now that's an old school word) and so she's coming across 'rehearsed' because she has that 'moral electric fence' in effect. I spoke with her last evening giving her permission to move a bit closer to the fence - it's okay - but I know she won't.

So I'm sitting there on those hard ass bleaches (let me tell you, the so-called advantage of having a cushiony ass is LOST on bleachers, lol. I missed the girls game but got there just in time for the boys. There was a pretty good turnout to watch so it was quite lively.

Here is an equation I am boggled with: Boys+Sports+Men=JOE JACKSON - I just knew some boys were going to be moving cinderblocks last night because of mistakes. I am so intrigued at how men are so passionate about sports and about their boys performance when it comes to sports. Good Lawd! Also, I'm just gonna put it out there - females need to find other Athletic endeavors that are less de-feminizing. Those young girls looked like DUDES walking around the gym, not a feminine bone in em - A whole gym full of Cleo's or something, lol. What happened to home economics? Those were the days.

Today was Mini-me's honor roll program. She aced 6 A's and 1 B this quarter. They had a whole damn instruction manual to try to encourage the kids to (1) Act accordingly and (2) Dress Accordingly - well I gave both a grade of C. It said in big bold underlined letters - NO JEANS! Are some parents never interacting with their children about these things? Why was everyone on the speaking panel in JEANS. I would have chosen other students on the spot and SAVE the - this is all they had to wear - not on them - on their PARENTS. My only other 'issue' was with the right of passage of....wearing heels. I know these young ladies are now bigger than say we were at 12-14 and their feet, good grief! Mini-me and I wear an 8, however, 12 year old need not wear spiked heels..sorry. A small stacked heel is fine, but their ankles are not ready yet and they have not mastered shifting their weight properly to accommodate heels. Those girls were all walking crippled!! and on a slippery gym floor at that. Otherwise it was a nice event. We had a recption afterwards in the media center (for old heads the library, lol). Then the girls begged the principal to eat off campus so we took them to Wendy's and then back to school.

Next up - - the grocery. Ever look in folks carts - especially Keeblers? It's so funny sometimes. I am like what in the world - their grocery bills must be $15 a month. During the day apparently white collar keeblers don't work, so that is who filled the grocery store. Buying their whole grains, wheat, seltzered water, tofu, and other macrobiotic fare that will certainly prevent them from having a negroid ass and keep them here just long enough to outlive one of our Crisco for dayslives, lol.

It made me look in my cart and it wasn't too bad - I had brown rice/spaghetti, lean ground beef, healthy choice chicken noodle soup, fresh broccoli, stew beef and stew veggies for Sunday, no soda, no sugar, navy beans - but they did have Mayfield Icecream 10/$10 so I got some chocolate and butter pecan, but I bought the pints and I intend to eat it correctly. For awhile now it's not been about WHAT I'm eating, it's been about HOW MUCH of what I'm eating. I'm now on phase II of rolling it back which deals with portions and I'm back testing at least twice a day and taking my meds - so next is just getting my body moving. I do know that I am sufficiently 'disgusted' with food and that's the point I wanted to get to. So we'll see.....

Somewhere in all of my people watching - I was suppose to meet a Bro referenced in the previous monologue (he's the one where I felt like I would be rejected). This negro must really be used to that little thing I talk about - where women make GREAT pains to meet a man and as you know - I ceased doing that - if your intention is strong enough we'll both make an effort. This is I don't know the fourth time or so that, I've basically been stood up and then he tries to make me drop everything to come to him....we've never even had a real conversation - well now I'm tired of the whole thing - I'mma let that drift away.

Well folks - what a rambling entry this was, lol. See Ya'll lata!

Sunset Monologue 150

2006-01-17T22:37:00.000-05:00

Whoa Nelly!

Blog Muscial Mood: Lady Marmalade - Labelle

Of course I'll be singing that all night and tomorrow after watching 'American Idol' (no link ya'll know how to get there, lol). What's up peeps? I have been royally bloglazy to tell the truth. Just haven't been able to focus and write and now more than ever is NOT the time to not be able to...write.

What The Hell Have I Gotten Myself Into?! I started class today and already I need to withdraw, lol. After I printed out the handy dandy 48 page welcome to ~~Hell~~Psyc 199 - I immediately realized that I need to hook back up my auxillary printer. I have my good one for photos etc. and I have a black and white one - well I need to be printing off that bad boy! I printed out over 75 pages today! I also need to make sure I have my school bookmarked at...work.

I chuckled that I had two assignments required TODAY (which I completed), I am graded on my participation on the discussion boards, I have a three page paper due next week, and I have to read three chapters by Thursday with a test on Sunday! DAYUM!

I need to reconfigure some activities to take place during the daytime to free up my nights for schools

Why is it that the best conversation you've had in awhile - belongs to a man who is soo busy nothing can really jump off between you two - yet you are intrigued. What irony - which I think is reserved...just for me.

Why are there instances where you begin to feel like there is only going to be rejection and you would rather spare yourself the 'feeling' - so you push away, even if you are intrigued?

A Very intriguing 'highschool' research question was posed today: what's your daily battle? (take some time bloggers and answer this question at your leisure?) It's so Bobby Brown Jr.ish, lol. I gave it some thought and came up with two plausible things in my life:

The Orgasmic Pleasure involved with....eating. I am quite disqusted with the fact that I don't have the metabolism to be able to eat the foods that are good. I struggle daily with my real strong desire to get it under control but my very weak resolve to actually do it.

How do you be Black, Southern, Traditional and like to cook and then be cursed with not being able to enjoy it?

AND

My disappointment with the state of male/female relationships and where I fit into the picture. I think to much, I expect more than what apparently is the accepted norm and thus I get fustrated. I don't know how to not look at relating as something important and relevant etc. and just look at it as a fun nut - therefore and thereby - I continue to seek out men who would like to build vertically and not just horizontally. I am now just enjoying having non-sexual friends - because my psychosis about allowing my body to be used up has reached all new highs, lol

As well as - when I have decided to 'join the bandwagon' 100% of the time - it's all a trick and men still very much judge women on that type of thing - regardless of what they telling you....so finding that balance and then finding the motivation to even move on it - sometimes is a 'struggle'.

I really took a moment to chew on this, and no I'm not about to begin my 'spill' - this year I am about 'acceptance' of who I am. It made me think of something else actually....

I was examing 'lust' in the car on the way home this afternoon and how unfilling I have found it to be. I find much better pleasure in 'desire'. I confirmed this with 'bad decision' because after all that time - I wasn't fulfilled because I didn't desire him - I was just 'lusting'. It was so incredibly empty in that the touch was not 'for me' it was just 'to me' the interaction was not 'about me' it was 'to me'. My touch was stilted and unreal to me because there was nothing that I 'desired'. My body did not even respond accordingly, because I had nothing to feed off of. There was no time for me to let 'him' marinate in the recesses of my mind - for those thoughts to trickle down my spine and settle in my loins. I so like that feeling, where I wake up throbbing because something a man has said, or some interaction we've had has brought forth a thought of how potent, strong and virile his mascuinity is - and how much I want to allow him to prove it to me. It sounds so childish now in hindsight to say 'ooo he fine, I want some of that'. Want some of what? I want a clear definition of 'what' and 'what' it is and the feeling of mutual desire from a man. I want him to have to control himself, to be lit on fire about me thus when he gives of himself to me - it's about....me. I refuse to be a vagina with extremeties - so I guess I should prepare for the longest drought of my life.....

The Bad Decision example above is a classic way women adjust their 'counts' because due to unfulfillment I can just make his ass magically disappear - however - I'm counting him because regardless to how I want it to go away - it happen - thus he's on the count - dammit! Which is proof positive that I need to stick to WHO I AM, even if it leaves me high and dry - because he's just ONE - what about the sista that rationalize that and tries it again with the next man and the next man and you look up and 100 dicks you have sucked - - at what expense - - I ask?

Sometimes I feel like I don't care if I never have another man - I'm not even motivated to let him unravel his bullshit and then I beat my own ass, lol Because I do care and as long as I have my own 'turds' I certainly can put up with his.

Have I been having very powerful straight conversation on behalf of the sisterhood with a select group of brothers who have presented their over 35 manhood as being a penis with legs? Yes I have, I have no shame and no feelings about a man moving on to the next woman - it doesn't even require a soap box - all I need is the right ear to hear and He and I will do just fine

ATTENTION: I may have to do every other day until I get this whole school thing down. I am still reading you all and I am quite confident this class will give me plenty of blog fodder, lol.

Sunset Monologue 149

2006-01-15T23:11:00.000-05:00

Looka There! Looka There!

Blog Musical Mood: Enjoy Yourself - The Jacksons

It has been so windy here in Decatur that it blew me clean away from the computer for a couple of days, lol. What it is people?! I hope that all is well in blogdom and that everyone is sufficiently neurotic :).

No particular topic tonite - just spitting out the last couple of days.

First, let me send some Get Well Soon to my sis Nik she going thru it :) As well as send you all in the direction of This Brother - he's having a hard time right now and could use some encouragement

Why Ya'll treating me like I'm James Frey from the Oprah Bookclub? LOL My Memoirs will not be embellished, lol and if they are - I'll label it 'the way I wanted my life to go',lol. Let me reveal the 'offlimits' list: (1)Anything that would identify my job & telling specifics about it other than the fact I'm a glorified ~~slave~~ Secretary - it keeps this computer going, no need to go there; (2)Specific Information about moms - because she's 'celebrity'; (3)Graphic Sexual Content - because I write better than that and can weave it differently; So folks calm it on down - it's not that serious. I told ya'll I accidently fell off the toilet and slammed my head on the tub and got stuck - UM that should tell ya'll something,lol.

2006 is the year that my Highschool graduating class turns 40 and Friday night I attended the first of several parties. What a good time! I now am HYPED about planning mine. "Janet" came with me and got her pregnant dance on. I amazed myself by doing the Laffy Taffy....right,lol. It was a good time. We mentally jotted down several ideas that reflected my personality for mine. I got six months to lose some damn weight and plan one banging party and even if the weight ain't straight - the party has to be. I didn't really have big parties when I was young (no sweet 16) and since I eloped I missed all those parties etc. So I'm looking forward to rolling in the big 4-0 with a good one. I wonder should I rent a helicopter.......

It was a good Ebay week. I sold two items I had for sale and won me a camcorder - so now I can tape Mini-me and just tape stuff in general to perserve and send to the peeps up the way

I rolled the blog offline today by meeting 'Atl newbian Queen' today. Nubian is spelled to reflect the fact she's new to Atlanta. We started chatting thru the blog and I just liked her spirit and I know how it felt when I first got down here with a three year old, no family and just trying to see if I can make it on my own - so I extended my hand to the sista (gotta pay it forward and keep the Karma clean). We went to lunch and just kinda rode around - doing my maniac tour of Decatur, lol I know she'll never read the blog the same again,lol. I hope we continue to grow. I don't let alot of sistas in my sphere, but I enjoy creating 'family' in a space where I am devoid of them - there's always slots for little sisters :)

Speaking of...SHE is out and all charges dropped. Suppose to be coming over tomorrow because as she says "we are the only good people she knows". I think I am going to beat back my contempt and 'feelings' of fake bougieness and try a different feeling and see if I can make some movement in the relationship with HER.

I made a big step (personally) in just meeting someone without my game face on. I got a last minute invite to lunch and I just went with it - glasses and all. Ya'll KNOW I don't even play about that - however, you know what - I am who I am and I don't think I'm undesirable, so embracing me, means embracing the fact my eyes might be tired and so I have to put my glasses on - as was the case Friday. Now if I could really meet someone who had the capacity and maturity to wanna embrace me and not my genitals - - life would be perfect - - but I'm trudging on - - living in the here and now (I'll speak on the complexities of this tomorrow it's quite interesting) and forcing myself to swallow the bile that rises in my throat at the 'game' and AM RELAXING. I'm doing good ya'll! I'm doing good!

Sunset Monologue 148

2006-01-12T22:44:00.000-05:00

Beyond Blogsphere

Blog Musical Mood: Remember The Time - Michael Jackson

For some reason everytime I hear this song, I think of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? LOL LOL Have no clue about that one.

Honestly - everything that went on in my life today are things that are not on my blog approved subject matter list. I'm mentally tired from all the wrangling, explaining, outlining, objectifying and what not. I'm slightly stressed from the HER issue and I need about 14 hours of lovemaking, lol lol.

So I'm going to end this here......see ya'll tomorrow.

Sunset Monologue 147

2006-01-11T21:14:00.000-05:00

Who's The Shiznit?!

Blog Musical Mood: Beautiful - Tweet

I AM THAT'S WHO!! I had this thought in the car; this society is set up to worship a particular kind of person for something and the rest of us - are just flitting around constantly looking for validation. Well I declare today

NATIONAL TELL US WHY YOU THE SHIT DAY

Use this as a Kinda Meme - the first one for 2006 and write you a blog entry on why you are the bomb! Tell us why you love...YOU - an example is TopMackNigga - this Bro expounds on his greatness DAILY and I appreciate it. It makes me feel good by default. So look in the mirror, look at your scrapbook of accolades, your best porn shots (lol), your Maya Angelou Poems, think about what makes you fabulous and tell us all about it...OKAY!!

I'ma bad Sista. I am cute as all hell with my pretty slightly almond shaped brown eyes and my cherub face that really doesn't show alot of signs of age. I love the way my facial features are put together. I like the fact my lips are full, yet thin. I have a wonderful smile that lights up a room. If I'm smiling then usually I'm laughing and it's a genuine laught and quite infectious.

I have been blessed with great tight skin (thanks to my parents) and so it's quite taunt, even though I'm a bit fluffy - I am not jiggly. I love the fact that when I fall seductively on the bed with a paramour, my entire body hits the bed at one time and my bosom doesn't hit the mattress, lol. The 38's still got some distance to go before they lose their shape.

I have a more rump roast kinda ass and not the bubble. It does the job and is quite feminine - I enjoy the way I swish a bit when I walk - I'm a woman dammit! Lord do I have a great pair of legs! They are firm and my ankle (like my wrist) are so delicate. Which reminds me of what great hands I have. Natural nails that grow out already manicured it seems. They showcase rings from small to large perfectly.

One of my better personality traits is that I can cheer folks up. I am a great listener and give great advice. I genuinely care about black people and our plight and our issues on a group and individual basis. I'm always available to my friend old and new for counseling or just to be a sounding board.

My mind is sharp! It is constantly whirling, looking at situations, examining outcomes etc. etc.

My culinary skills are great! I enjoy cooking and entertaining from standing rib roast to leg of lamb, I might go in the kitchen and knock it out. I am more satisfied with others enjoying than I am with me enjoying what I prepare.

I am a ride and die chick. I'm all about playing Robin to my Batman and if he's bringing a program I can submit to - then he got himself a woman. I like to make my man feel special and appreciate him for what he's bringing to the table and not what society keeps saying he SHOULD be bringing.

I love me some blackmen and you can't say but so much about him negatively. Brothers enjoy conversing, dealing and relating with me (speaking of friends now) because I try to remain balanced when looking at the situation and I am not about trying to disrespect or exault myself above him - he the Man and I'm comfortable with that and thus he's comfortable around me.

I'm a damn good momma. I sacrifice and look at all angles of life in order to present a positive image to mini-me.

I'm passionate, sensual, loving, touching, gifted, talented, corny, cuddly,fabulous...

I AM

Sunset Monologue 146

2006-01-10T20:59:00.000-05:00

Channeling Maury Povich

Blog Musical Mood: If I Were A Bell - Teena Marie

Ok, so I said that I had an interesting postscript to the My Daddy Entry. You know it wouldn't (1) be life or (2) be blog worthy or (3) be the life of Pam, if the story didn't have something dramatic attached to it.....

I was minding my own business, living my life when at 35 years of age, I found out that the man who raised me, gave me my foundation and loved me till his heart bled - was NOT THE FATHER!!!! That's right people - it seems as if I were a classic FIRST TIME HAVING SEX WITH THE HIGH SCHOOL BOYFRIEND ON SR. PROM NIGHT BABY! So I'm living proof it takes ONE TIME!

Now the crazy thing about this is that I literally was the only one that didn't know. EVERYONE including all my siblings etc. knew this...but me. I tell you, I have no idea where the hell I've been all these years. Apparently, my biological father was alive and kicking all this time. When the truth came out it took a couple of minutes for it to all register. Then things started happening quickly - I got an email from an Aunt and then a call from....a sister. I have two additional sisters. My youngest one was soo excited. She spilled out that she had actually written Maury looking for me and that she had been searching for me for years on her own, behind our fathers back. Then she told me she always was told she had an older sister and that at family reunion pictures there would be an empty chair representing...ME! Now all of this was a bit overwelming. My head was spinning.

Then I finally talked to....him. Ever had a small feeling somewhere that something just ain't right, but you can't quite put your finger on it. For alot of my life, it kinda 'bugged' me that I just wasn't like my two immediate siblings (ok my pops had 12 kids, my mom had 3 and it's this immediate family I refer to in my blogs - not the rest). I just acted so different, had a different attitude about things, had this creative side they lacked, had this peaceful side they couldn't find, had this spacey - fantasy - moral overdrive they didn't possess. I just figured it was genes - well when this man got on the phone - such a powerful feeling of peace befell me - no lie - I got woozy and almost fainted on the phone. It was as if this blankness in my life that I couldn't identify filled. He was JUST LIKE ME, lol. He was also polar opposite to my parents. He had dreds down to his waist, never really held a real job, kinda drifted doing poetry, planning drums etc. is very metaphysical, spiritual, calm. It was amazing.

Now as a show (well to me at least) of the very inner core of who I am as a person - and I am being very truthful - I took this whole situation with a grain of salt. No angry accusations, no therapy needed, no freakouts, no nothing. I've heard both sides of the story and it was between my parents and I am leaving it at that. I can't spend any time 'upset or hating or blaming' my parents or him for his inactivity in my life. Now of course, my eyebrow raised at the sheer notion that basically a conspiracy took place my whole life - but my life was and is not a lie. I didn't 'miss' anything or feel as if I were 'deprived' much.

I met my biological father for the first time July 04. I look like him (well I look like my daddy too, lol). I didn't necessarily know how to act so I just let him hold me for as long as he needed to in order to be able to fill that 'void' that had been in his life all these years. The last time he saw me in person I was three years old. Now he produced pictures of me all the way up until 2004 as well as pictures of my daughter etc. etc. I will also admit that is the thing that kinda pissed me off - I didn't like the fact someone out here knew about me and I had no idea about them. I was quite excited to find out I had the sisters and all these cousins and folks that were waiting to meet me. He gave me pictures of him and I - he had the bracelet I wore in the hospital. Pictures of him, me and my mother etc. These were all precious to me.

It is now 2006 - where do we stand? Well I know him and where he is and likewise with him. We speak on holidays and birthdays etc. and I try to write him, but I have yet to go to the 'hometown' and meet everyone else. I talk to my sista maybe once a month but the one right under me - wants nothing to do with me - seems she always felt she was competing with a 'ghost' and now that I've been 'found' - she is uneasy with that - I give her that option and respect her wishes. I feel SO BLESSED, to have had my daddy and in his absence, my Father. I call him by his first name and to be honest - I don't have the kind of connection that I had with my daddy - but I feel WHOLE and I feel COMPLETE and I feel SOLID out here in the world because...that nagging feeling is gone.

ThE EmAnCiPaTiOn oF pAmMiE

THE ADVENTURES OF PAMALICIOUS

IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE! THE NEW SITE IS UP AND RUNNING!

Ooo Ooo Is that a Template 201

Yes Friends! It's coming! The Debut of............THE ADVENTURES OF PAMALICIOUS!Stay Tuned!!!

Off in the Horizon - 200

And The Sun Sets Monologue 199

The Aftermath & Epilogue

Sunshine Monologue 198

Sunset Monologue 197

Let The Festivities Begin!

Sunset Monologue 194

Sunshine Monologue 196

Stepping On The Scale!

Sunset Monologue 190

Sunset Monologue 189

Sunset Monologue 188

Sunset Monologue 187

Sunshine Monologue 195

Sunset Monologue 186

A Whole Lotta...NOTHING!

Sunshine Monologue 194

Winds of Change

Sunshine Monologue 193

Ain't No Mountain High Enough

Sunset Monologue 185

DON'T DESPAIR - A BLOG IS FORTHCOMING! TALK ABOUT A SISTA BEING BUSY! THANKS TO ALL WHO HAVE CONTINUED TO STOP BY! A SISTA IS WORKING ON IT!! FUNNY EH? RIGHT AT THE END - I GET SO BUSY, LOL. HERE'S OUR OFFICIAL MOTHERS DAY PICTURE 2006 TO HOLD YAH TILL I GET MY POST UP - ENJOY!

Sunshine Monologue 192

In The Spirit

Sunshine Monologue 191

Sprinting

Sunset Monologue 184

VROOM...VROOM...SCREECH!

Sunset Monologue 183

Fruitopia Friday

Sunshine Monologue 190

And The Thoughts Continue

Part II

Sunshine Monologue 189

The Trifecta Approach

Sunset Monologue 182

The Limbo Heard Round The World!

Sunset Monologue 181

Freedom Finally Friday

Sunset Monologue 180

We Interupt for...Emotion

Sunshine Monologue 188

So What Else Is Going On?!

Sunshine Monologue 187

Coming Up For Air

Music Makes You Loose Control

Sunset Monologue 179

No Options

Sunshine Monologue 186

Rain On Me

Sunset Monologue 178

14 going on 40

Sunshine Monologue 185

Mental Exercise Friday

Sunshine Monologue 184

HMMMMMMMMMMM

Sunshine Monologue 183

Stay In My Corner

Sunset Monologue 177

Busted Knees and ROI's

Sunshine Monologue 182

Easy Like Sunday Morning

Sunset Monologue 175

The Photo Booth

Sunshine Monologue 181

Bullets Are Flying

Sunshine Monologue 180

To The Left....Slide

Sunshine Monologue 179

La La La La La Means.....

Sunset Monologue 174

What In The....

Sunshine Monologue 178

Puzzles, Legos and Lincoln Logs

Sunshine Monologue 177

Yes Friends! It's coming! The Debut of............

THE ADVENTURES OF PAMALICIOUS!

Stay Tuned!!!